Maggie Gyllenhaal, Retiree

Posted on August 06, 2012

Maggie Gyllenhaal celebrates the 30th anniversary of some movie she did with Viola Davis, judging by the pictures.

Maggie Gyllenhaal attends the ‘Won’t Back Down’ screening in New York City.

How is it she managed to look like the grandmother of the Maggie Gyllenhall in the movie poster? We wonder if she ever sits through one of her films and thinks, “Hey, that version of Maggie Gyllenhaal, aka, me, up on the screen looks so much younger than the Maggie Gyllenhaal who was staring back at me from the mirror when I put this ugly pink lipstick on. Hunh. Weird.” We await that moment when the lightbulb goes on over her head and she realizes, “Hey. I, Maggie Gyllenhaal, am 34 years old and there’s really no good damn reason in the world why I should be dressed like a schoolteacher at her retirement party. What am I thinking? Someone get me a ripped denim miniskirt and some fuck-me heels, pronto.” Oh, yes, kittens. We await that day SO HARD. We will then, of course, make fun of her ripped denim miniskirt (or whatever mistake she makes when she starts dressing too young for her age), but we will consider it PROGRESS.


[Photo Credit: Michael Loccisano/Getty Images]

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  • Judy_J

    She’s only 34?  I’m old enough to be her mother, and that outfit she’s wearing is too old for ME!

    • My mom is 81 and it’s too old for her! Yikes, that’s bad.

  • What truly kills it dead is the growing out of a style hair.  This outfit makes her look like the woman from HR who everyone despises, who is getting a presentation at a company dinner. And the reason she’s still around is cause she has serious dirt on the CEO.

    • Patricia Gillett

       Please write this novel, it sounds terrific!

      •  Hmmmmmmmm, now there’s an interesting notion.

        • StellaZafella

           Like, as if Robert Ludlam had written “9 to 5”?

    • n a

      I know that woman! she’s a total bitch!

      •  Honeylamb, we have all known that woman, or man for that matter.

        • bitchybitchybitchy

          Oh, indeed we have…and somehow we lived to tell the tale!

          •  Because, my dear, at heart we are far worse than her.  (bwah HAH hah hah hah hah!)

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      Gee…you just described my last supervisor.

    • lovelyivy

       I just went to this woman’s retirement party. Everyone showed up just to be reassured that she was REALLY leaving.

  • Kayceed

    Could this be saved? Lose the jacket and add some Studio 54-ish accessories to the jumpsuit for some retro louche glam?

    • mshesterp

      I think so–I actually like a good pantsuit (although this seems to have an elastic waistband, and that I just can’t get behind).  Ditch the jacket and the shoes, get some blingy gold accessories, strappy gold sandals and a killer clutch and you just changed the outfit to 70s chic.  

      Now she’s just 70-year old chic.

      • call_me_schmeg

        she could totally disco this shit up. also: that pantsuit is about 2 sizes too large.

      • Elastic waistbands are the work of the Devil.

      • LeSourire

        I’m trying to decide if it could somehow be saved with a belt. I had the exact same thoughts in terms of accessories, but like many others, can’t get over the elastic waistband.

    • Snailstsichr

       She would also need a new lipstick, pronto!! This has to be Barbie Pink from the My Little Makeup kit. Well, actually I’m not sure such a thing exists, but if it does, this shade belongs in it. Little girls would love it.

  • That could be a fabulous jumpsuit, if she ditched the gutter-grey lace blazer and added a silver or otherwise edgy belt. If I have a decent belt for this, it can’t be hard for Ms. Gyllenhaal to get one. 

  • Lori

    I don’t mind that she’s not fashion-focused and I don’t think she needs to be on-trend all the time or anything. I do mind that she always looks like she hasn’t got clue 1 about how to dress herself in a flattering way. She’s attractive and her figure is the sort that’s really pretty easy to dress. If she put in the tiniest effort she could be just as comfortable (which appears to be her main goal) while looking 100% better. It makes me sad.

    •  Presenting her self well in public is an essential part of her job.  In this particular, she routinely fails.  So many actors now, seem either unaware of this fact, or unconcerned about it. But in a business predicated on illusions, giving the proletariat the correct one, is vital.

      • Lori

        I think her presentation may be at least partially deliberate in that she’s trying to communicate that she’s a Serious Actress and therefore doesn’t waste time on trivial things like fashion. There are a lot of problems with that, but I’d be willing to cut her some slack on not going full designer all the time if she just didn’t look so awful. Serious Actress =/= Grandma in Bocha.

        •  Okay, so she doesn’t cut with the I am a walking billboard for tons of luxury goods markets fashionista thing. I get that.  But at least manage to look presentable, and her actual age.

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            I totally agree. I get that Maggie Gyllenhaal does drama on Broadway, is not pretentious, which is great, and I respect that.  But good heavens, dear, being serious doesn’t mean that you can’t look stylish.

          • Lori

            Yup, I’d just let it go if she didn’t look like such a walking disaster all the time.

  • Nelliebelle1197

    At least she is wearing a bra. That is a major step for her.

    • Didn’t she have a baby recently? If she’s nursing and wasn’t wearing a bra, she’d be in serious trouble.

      • n a

        no she had that baby a while ago- but she’s very vocal about her breastfeeding (i’m guessing attachment parenting?) so i wouldn’t be surprised if she’s topping that kid off just before loading them on to the bus.

        • AthenaJ

          Hah! In my humble opinion, if the kid is old enough to eat a steak, it’s time to take back the boobs and resign your position as milk maid.

          • PaulaBerman

             Really? I can’t believe people feel the need to judge and comment negatively on how a mother chooses to feed her child. It is totally none of our business how long a person nurses her child. However, as someone who nursed until her son was 2.5 years old (and don’t give a crap what anyone thinks of that), I can attest that I wore a bra in public the whole damn time, so that is not an excuse.

          • AthenaJ

             Wow, a couple people joke around online and apparently that makes us boob nazis, going around slapping breasts out of the mouths of suckling babes. For shame on us!!
            Seriously though, I had a feeling someone overly defensive was going to get all up in arms (or shall I say, up in boobs?), so let’s break it down: n a mentioned topping off the kid before loading them off the bus, so obviously they did not know said kid is 5 months old. I mentioned a kid eating a steak, so obviously I’m not talking about an infant either. For your info, what came to mind is a woman I work with who breast fed her 5 year old. I wasn’t talking about you, so cut the self righteousness already. Oh and by the way, I do think that when a kid is that old, the breastfeeding is more about what the mother wants than what the child needs. Like I originally said, it’s just opinion. So chill out already.

          • PaulaBerman

             Funny, looking at the length of my response and the length of yours, I think it is you who needs to chill out. I merely stated that I thought women’s choices about how they feed their children are none of anyone’s business. Since that is clearly true, but you clearly do it anyway, it is you who is getting defensive. I have nothing to defend, as I did what I believe is right for my kid, and your judgment, which you feel the need to offer with increasing stridency, is irrelevant.

        • She had a baby in April. If you consider breasftfeeding a 5 months-old baby “attachment parenting” than something is wrong in this world. 

          • PaulaBerman

             Thanks for saying this!

  • janierainie

    What is with the elastic waistbands showing? 2nd one today. That jumper looks like the one Sears used to sell for old men! All it’s missing is the fake crest on the pocket.

  • TropiCarla

    EITHER that jacket over a hot-to-death slinky cocktail dress …  

    OR that jumpsuit with a killer belt and necklace.

    Trade in the shoes for some sexy sandals, burn the lipstick with hellfire, and do something else with the front/top of that hair.

    • Catiline

      This!  I actually think both parts of the outfit are sorta cute separately, but the combination is deadly.

    • formerlyAnon


  • Patricia Gillett

    Oh Maggie. This whole ensemble screams “heading to the early bird supper so I can be sure to get the ‘good’ slot machine afterwards.” Also, trash that lipstick, honey.

  • Someone’s been in Blanche Devereaux’s closet, yes?

    •  Miss Deveraux would never be seen in such a rig out.  Far too aging for her.

  • nannypoo

    You guys nailed this one. I’m a retired schoolteacher, and I can relate totally to this outfit. Add a belt, lose the lipstick, and she’s ready to go. She’ll give a little speech about how much she’s loved her 30 years in the classroom, someone will hand her a card with a gift certificate to Barnes & Noble, and she can go home and get to work in her garden. I wish her many years of happiness. 

    • greyhoundgirl

      And I want to be that woman because then I’d have a pension!

  • Pants_are_a_must

    You still got it going, granny!

    But seriously, she’ll never be one for the mini skirt and fuck-me heels again, I wager, but is it that hard to get a Thakoon dress, when you’re Maggie Gyllenhaal?

  • Susan Crawford

    I would LOVE this if she had foregone the jacket, amped up the jumpsuit with an amazing belt and a pair of awesome shoes and skipped that Barbie-pink lipstick. I really like the jumpsuit, but it needs a little more oomph – but then, on a Monday morning, don’t we ALL need a little more oomph??

  • MilaXX

    Because it’s Maggie if she lost the jacket and added a belt i would five her a pass.

  • mjude

    that makes me sad

  • SewingSiren

    Does she have a shirt tucked into an elastic waistband?{{ SHUDDER}}!

  • YourBaloneyDontGotNoSecondName

    she can be my sister in law any day of the week.

  • janetjb

    She needs to hire:  
    A stylist with some fantastic shoes and accessories (hide the elastic waist ASAP).
    A hairdresser to tame her mom/HR hair.  

  • YousmelllikeAnnaWintour

    That’s a really bad outfit.  Did Stella M. design this?

  • A bra would do Ms. Gyllenhaal wonders!

  • Vlasta Bubinka

    There once a woman named Maggie,
    She woke one day feeling saggy,
    So she called up a pal,
    A much older gal,
    To borrow an outfit too baggy!

    •  I see we have segued from haiku into limmerick.  lol

      • Vlasta Bubinka

        I busted out couplets a few days ago too. My poetry is too profound to be contained to one form. 

  • Lilithcat

    Listen, guys, I’m a retiree, and I dress better than that.  

    • formerlyAnon

       Yes, but your comments have always shown a taste for elegance with an occasional dash of the dramatic.

  • Sartorial_She

    Her outfit may be hideous, but her skin–especially her neck and decolletage, where a woman tends to show her age–is flawless.

    • bluefish

       I know!  All I can focus on is that absolutely gorgeous, luminous skin — amazing.  And those beautiful blue eyes.  She’s got a killer figure (“Secretary”) too.

  • Anathema_Device

    Wow. Sadness in clothing form.

  • kimmeister

    She needs 2 CC’s of eye makeup, stat!

  • n a

    T-Lo thank you thank you for saying what we are all thinking- and what needs to be said! Ugh! But it’s not a big surprise really– have you ever read any interviews she’s done?  She is sooooo arrogant!  She is one of these “I do this for my craft” bs ACTORS (don’t call her an ACTRESS) that I’m sure she’s above these petty comments about her, the silly posts about fashion… for shame- she cannot be bothered to stoop to this level! 

    So in that respect, she got off easy here, IMHO. 🙂

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      Oh no, not the “I do this for my craft” people?  Maggie, life is too short and precious to take yourself that seriously.

  • frannyprof

    Why, Maggie, Why?! I’ve seen her on “The Daily Show” a few times, and she looks so young & cute. It seems like whenever she’s at an “official” event, like the RC or a movie junket, she morphs into an old lady. I don’t get it.

  • CassandraMortmain

    I can’t tell if that’s a jumpsuit or a top tucked into pants.  Either way, an elastic waistband has no place on the red carpet.  This woman almost always looks like ass.  She clearly has no sense of style whatsoever.  She’s someone who could really benefit from the services of a good stylist who could find comfortable things that are in her comfort zone but still make her look chic.  Or at least not 80 years old. 

  • tereliz

    This woman is a year older than I am yet she looks about ten years older. I love that long lace blazer; if only she’d worn it with a fun, funky short dress and some colorful shoes.

    Even if she thought that (is it pants? And elastic waisted-jumpsuit?) outfit looked good, could she have not covered the elastic with a belt? Sigh. At least she’s wearing a bra. 

  • WHY DOES SHE HAVE A SHIRT TUCKED INTO ELASTIC-WAIST TROUSERS??? Maggie Gyllenhal, you are making me use ALL CAPS and that is not a good thing.

    Jesus, honey, I dress better than that and I’m 11 years older than you. And way heavier. 

  • …Truth.

    But her makeup is really pretty.

  • This missing Golden Girl finally revealed!!!!

  • formerlyAnon

    I think the navy blue ?trouser suit? could have been great – with the right belt, maybe a necklace, some noticeably hot heels, traded the school teacher hair for something edgier, and most of all if she’d ditched the lace old lady jacket. No jacket at all or something waaaay younger.

    Just hiding the elastic waist and fixing the jacket problem would have knocked 20 years off the look.

  • EEKstl

    Perfectly dressed for a lanai afterparty.

  • avabee

    I find the close-mouthed smile so off-putting.  Stop looking so uptight and give us a real smile!

  • Warmheartedgirl Seattle

    She is so damned cute – why can’t she figure out how to dress herself?  Seems like she never gets it right.

  • petalfrog

    I’m just happy we can see her feet and shoes and that the hem is not puddled on the floor!

  • bitchybitchybitchy

    Did she break into a vault that contained costumes from The Golden Girls?  For an attractive young woman this is such a sad look.

  • I need a picture of her delicious hubby.

  • mhleta

    She is singular in that I really could give two shits what she’s wearing, she’s that cool. Carry on, Ms. G. Carry on.

  • berkeleygirl

    The pink lipstick is the worst – much like that of my best friend’s mother.  (Gloria is 85.)  It particularly grieves me because she can really rock red lips.  That happened?

  • quiltrx

    So many of the things she wears are so aging.  This one is straight from Golden Girls.

  • zbkat

    As a schoolteacher who has attended many retirement parties, I can wholeheartedly back you boys up on that apt description!

  • She would look so much better if she lost that hiddy excuse for a cardigan or blazer or whatever it is. Also, JEWELRY. STAT.

  • bitterk

    History teacher of the year goes to …

  • CatherineRhodes

    I’ll never look at her without being reminded of the TLo classic comment:  “nursing home pee.”