Project Runway: Shall We Begin?

Posted on July 20, 2012

“Welcome to T.G.I. Fridays! The beating heart of fashion! Can I interest you in some potato skins or a sampler of delicious Tapa-tizers?”

“TAPA-TIZERS!”

Yes, it’s back darlings; bigger, tackier and more obnoxious than ever, our beloved Project Runway came roaring back into our living room last night with much screaming and cheering.  Aside from the frantic fans in Times Square, it was mostly a standard Project Runway premiere, complete with long introductions to a cast of characters determined to be described as colorful.

 

There was Goth Ashley-Kate…

Tootie and Dumpster Hipster…

Buffi the Taste Slayer and … other freaky chick…

…ummm…Blonde Lady…

Okay, maybe they all weren’t that colorful.

Save one, that is.

 

 

 

Frokemon.

God bless him. We kept waiting for him to sprout whiskers and cat ears. Or to launch into the sky with sparkles shooting out of his ass.

We know a star when we see one, and that hyperactive little candy-colored Japanimation character is just the shot in the arm this show needs to keep it interesting.

Is he talented? Well…actually, yes. It’s just that he’s not likely to ever really produce the kind of fashion the judges are looking for.

But he is one hundred percent a “character” and let’s face it, without some sort of genial freakshow in the cast, the show gets awfully boring.

And Frokemon is many things – irritating, bizarre, possibly a little crazy – but he’s certainly not boring. You know what else he’s not? Calculating. We’re pretty good at sniffing out posers on reality TV and we’re pretty sure this is who he is. Maybe there’s a little playing to the cameras, but not on the level of, well…

This bitch. Oh, Quentin W. Sweetcrackers. You done fucked this one up.

It seems his takeaway from his elimination last season was “I should’ve acted more like Josh.” Dumb, Quentin. Really dumb.

Your name, your voice, your personality as you originally presented it last season – all of this would have worked in your favor if you’d just presented yourself as a sweet little queen who just likes to make dresses for southern ladies and wants a shot at the big tent.

Instead you opted to act like a psycho bitch and here are two reasons why that was a bad idea:

  1. Now we’re going to spend the rest of the season destroying you, and
  2. This is a little mean, but after 9 seasons we’re just going to say it: Take a good look at the career trajectories of PR alums who decided personality was more important than talent, Quentin. You’ll see a lot of bartending.

Costello-Lite seems like a nice enough little weepy queen, but our respect shot up when he said Quentin was better suited to Toddlers & Tiaras than Project Runway. Reality show BURN, bitch.

Also, this seems to be the season of crazy hair. So thank you, Josh and Anya for creating a bunch of clones. We’ll never forgive you for this.

Why can’t there be a lot of Jay McCarroll or Laura Bennett clones on this show? Why do these little attention-whoring bitches always have to copy the contestants we can’t stand?

“Designers, behind me is a visual representation of the history of Project Runway. The bottom row represents that period when everyone loved the show. The top row represents all the seasons you suffered through.”

We are totally digging your suit, Sir Tim.

We were live-tweeting this fucker like our lives were dependent on it and downing wine at the same time (as you do).  At some point, it all became a bit of a blur. Basically, the challenge was to make a companion piece to the piece that they already brought with them. Okay. That sounds like a fairly basic PR challenge. The confusing part came when the judges opened their mouths (as it so often does) and seemed to be basing their scores on the outfits they brought with them rather than the outfits they just spent a day making.

Anyway, let’s cycle through the major bullet points before we get to the dress-ripping, mkay?

  • Tim is concerned. And surprisingly, very few of the designers got defensive or nasty with him.

  • Cheap, particle-board apartments decorated for 14-year-old girls.
  • Beds that look about as comfortable as a plywood slab.
  • Chalkboard.
  • Product placement.

  • Gigantic street promotion that every single Manhattanite will fail to notice on their way to or from work.

Guest judges!

  • Lauren Graham: mostly useless.
  • Pat Field: the kid in The Exorcist.

Okay, that’s enough. Let’s hit the runway.

We bid a trying-to-look-sincerely-upset Auf Wiedersehen to … um… it’ll come to us.

Frankly, we don’t know how she got cast in the first place. Her clothes are drab and shapeless, demonstrating virtually nothing in the way of style or skills. That so-called “cape” looks like something you’d buy out of a van at a Phish concert.

And frankly, anyone who shows up for SEASON TEN of this show complaining that they don’t know how to sew should be sent home immediately. Then again, look who won Season 9.

The follow-up outfit was, surprisingly, the better of the two. It had some shape to it, at least. And it looked like something someone would actually wear.

But “I like shapeless knits” combined with “I can’t sew” is not a path to reality show stardom… whatever your name was.

BEATRICE! It just came to us. Okay, goodbye, Beatrice.

And congrats to Costello-lite. We weren’t entirely convinced on this win.

It’s true that the original piece is a fairly impressive design demonstrating fairly impressive execution. But the fabric is flat-out hideous and we’re not totally on board with the proportions. The back is nice and the skirt moved beautifully, but we didn’t like the size and shape of the bodice. We suspect this dress looked more impressive in person.

But come on. This was a disaster.

What woman doesn’t want a tiny little dress that makes her boobs look non-existent and her ass look 3 times its size? Hanger appeal! Essentially, he made a pretty gown at home and a shitty dress in the workroom. Result? CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE THE WINNER!

We’re gonna need many more bottles of wine to get through this season, darlings.

And as always, there will be much more PR bitchery more to come, starting later today.

 

 

[Photo Credit: Barbara Nitke for myLifetime.com – Stills: tomandlorenzo.com]

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