Pairs Division: Beckham and Beckham

Posted on July 10, 2012

Mr. and Mrs. Jolly-Happy-Times hit the streets of London to spread their own particular brand of joy to the world.

David and Victoria Beckham celebrate Simon Fuller’s birthday in London. Victoria Beckham wears a dress from her spring 2012 collection paired with Giuseppe Zanotti pumps.

Victoria Beckham Spring 2012 Collection

Giuseppe Zanotti Peep-toe Platform Pump

We think Mr. and Mrs. J-H-T should host a children’s show. For depressed, cranky, moody children. They could have craft and lifestyle segments, like “How to get by without eating” and “How to tattoo yourself,” and then introduce dark cartoons about very thin people who live in Europe, wear very tailored clothing and refuse to go on adventures or solve mysteries because that’s what little people do.

We would watch the SHIT out of that.

Anyway, Mr. and Mrs. Jolly-Happy-Times clearly have no time to pose for your silly pictures, which means score-based assessments are out. But from what we can tell, they both look as impeccable as they always do. His hem looks a little long and her shoes are kinda boring, but those are really the only complaints. Mr. and Mrs. Jolly-Happy-Times simply do not get these sorts of things wrong, of course. That’s for the little people who solve mysteries and go on adventures.


[Photo Credit:,,]

    • Jen on the Edge

      Also, her shoes look to be a size too large.

      • LJCdoc

        At least. Maybe 2 sizes.

        • Juana Gilder

          although she also uses ‘cow face’ for Camilla Parker Bowles so I don’t think it’s exclusively a Posh

      • ghopping

        She took the straps off? Or that’s a different shoe than TLo posted…

        • Sweetbetty

           It looks like the ankle strap slips through a loop on the back top edge of the shoe so they can be worn with or without them.

          • ghopping

            Oooooh nifty, thanks!

      • sarahjane1912

        Possibly because Posh has a pair of really bad-ass bunions, courtesy of wearing narrow-toed skyscraper heels for too many years. I’m not sure that isn’t why she always looks so very miserable; it must be a nightmare walking in those things.

      • Sau-Chih Feng

        I was just about to complain about that. Seriously, how does she even walk like that? Is that a celebrity superpower, you must be able to walk in shoes that don’t fit you properly?

    • RzYoung

      hehe love the commentary. You should hear what my 99 year old granny says about Victoria! Anyway, flove that hue of orange – or satsuma? – it’s just so yummy. I really like the dress. The shoes look like torture. I’d also LOVE to actually see these people walk in these things

      • MarissaLG

        I would LOVE to hear what your 99 year old granny says about Posh!

        • RzYoung

          To quote Granny Bet: ‘sour puss cow face’ was the term I think..! …although she also uses ‘cow face’ for Camilla Parker Bowles so I don’t think it’s exclusively a Posh thing

          • angryparsnip

             Love your Granny Bet !

            cheers,  parsnip

          • MarissaLG

            Well she’s right- posh does have a sour puss. You can let her know that a stranger from the internet agrees :)

    • twocee

      Burn those shoes.  Hideous.

      • 3boysful

         Agree totally.  And the tie bar looks dorky.

        • Brian G. Cox

          At least he’s not wearing it with a vest. I’m so tired of men/guys/boys wearing their tie bars that high. 4th button down, gents! (incl.collar button)

          OK – the rantlette is over, now can anyone tell me where he got that amazing umbrella from the pre-olympics post a few weeks back?

    • Jangle57

      Does she EVER smile?

      • Jessica TallGirl Freeman

        This is her smiling. I  think.

      • ToothCake

        You wouldn’t be able to tell from these pics but she is actually hilarious and quite a delight in interviews.  A while back, she and Beckham went on ‘Da Ali G Show’ and she definitely carried the interview and was funny.  It is very opposite to her persona here. :o)

        • MilaXX

          I remember the special they aired when they were moving to America. She does have a nice sense of humor.

          • unbornfawn

            I’d loose my sense of humor in those shoes.

        • Fordzo

          Have you ever seen the interview she did with two little boys (not her boys – these boys were interviewing her), and she pretended to speak Spanish and let them kick soccer balls at her?  I’ve loved her ever since.

        • TieDye64

          She really is. That’s why the whole sour puss bitch face is so perplexing. 

      • SapphoPoet

        I’ve seen her smile and she is so pretty when she does. Wish she’d do it more. 

      • Euphory

        Think she did a documentary with her family, in which she smiled and laughed a lot.  She actually has a pretty nice smile.  But rumor has it that she’s very self-conscious of her teeth, so she doesn’t smile much in public, also that she gets nervous around paparazzi, so her face goes to “default/sour puss” mode.  

    • DeborahJozayt

      I now want a mango sorbet. It shall be called the J-H-T sorbet.

    • M_E_S

      He looks particularly well-groomed and therefore particularly sexy.  She looks like she thinks the world will end if she ever cracks a smile.

      What a couple.

    • antheapena

      love it !! she said the other day she thinks she looks like a ” moody cow ” in my opinion she loves it !!! kinda like her for not folding & smiling

      • BigWhiteGrannyPanties

        did see ADMIT that she looks like a “moody cow?”  Because that is very interesting to me.  If she KNOWS she looks like a moody cow, does she care?  

        • Corsetmaker

          There was a good piece by Charlie Brooker in the Guardian on the moans at Andy Murray for not smiling much, pointing out that the majority of people on the street don’t go around grinning so why should people in the public eye. Ok, if they’re in an actual photocall but lots of people just aren’t naturally smiley, they should be allowed to be who they are. And if that’s a moody cow then fine :)

    • megohd

      Would love to hear was an Us Weekly body language expert says about him dragging her along.

      • HobbitGirl

        I’m not an expert, but their fingers are interlaced in the first picture, and that tends to be a sign of comfort and intimacy. And speaking as a short gal, my hubby often walks with me in just that way to “clear the path” as it were. :)

        • HengRu

          I too am a short gal, and when I have to navigate a crowded space, I look around for a large man whom I can walk directly behind, following in his wake.

      • patticake1601

         My husband always walk in front of me when there is a crowd, it’s kind of his way of protecting me. I am by far the more dominant one in our relationship and he would say I wear the pants, but he is very protective of me and does what David Beckham is doing quite often.

        • Tom and Lorenzo

          Oh for Christ’s sake. You really had to work hard to get offended by that one. The point is, a very tiny percentage of people overall can manage a look like this. Unclench.

          • patticake1601

             I’m confused, what did I say that offended you? I was just pointing out that David Beckham isn’t “dragging” her along, he is protecting her from the crowd of people. It’s a lovely thing that my husband does also.

            • formerlyAnon

               I suspect their reply ended up attached to the wrong comment. Disqus respects no-one.

            • patticake1601

               I hope so, sure would hate to offend T & L ♥

            • Nancy Abrams

              Let’s all try to find which comment they were answering. First one to figure it out, please let the rest of us know.

            • raeb23

              Don’t worry patticake, just saw this TLo comment in reply to someone on the Kelly Rowland post. Seems like it somehow ended up here by mistake.

            • Tom and Lorenzo

               Sorry, doll! That was totally meant for someone else. No idea how it wound up here.

      • Paola Thomas

        She probably just can’t keep up with him in her ridiculous shoes…

    • GorgeousThings

      Is it just the photo, or do her shoes look too big?

      Love her dress. I kinda wish I could afford her clothes. They are derivative, but very well done.

      I’m not really digging the Three Musketeers facial hair he’s sporting. Though if you put him in a red robe, he’d be a dead ringer for Cardinal Richelieu.

      • Pennymac

        Haha! I was staring at the pointy facial hair thinking “That’s not right. Who’s facial hair is that?” You NAILED it, GT!

      • Sartorial_She

        “Love her dress. I kinda wish I could afford her clothes. They are derivative, but very well done.”

        This. I covet her clothes as well. That dress is amazing–color, body-conscious silhouette but not tight, wonderful cut in the bodice to flatter toned arms and shoulders. It looks like the fit around the bust is gaping a bit in the first photo. But a small quibble. I’d buy that frock in a heartbeat if I had the coin.

    • Kiltdntiltd

      Could they possibly look any less pleased to be in each other’s company?

      • HobbitGirl

        Is it each other or the guaranteed one billion photographers that they’re reacting to, though?

        • Kiltdntiltd

          That is a mystery, to which we may never know the answer.

    • HM3

      I like his shoes.

    • halleygee

      I love love love her dress, I would totally wear that.

    • schadenfreudelicious

      not loving that Guy Fawkes facial hair on Mr J-H-T….

    • RebeccaKW

      That color is fab on her.

      He can really rock a suit.  Although I’m not sure how I feel about those shoes paired with it.

    • AudreysMom

      what’s the thing holding up the bodice/neckline? It kind of looks like lawnchair webbing. 

    • Spicytomato1

      She looks fab. I think the longer hair suits her very well. For once I wish she’d let us judge whether her smile is as unattractive as she thinks it is. I suspect it’s not bad at all.

      He continues to do absolutely nothing for me. Except give me a slight case of the creeps, as I think he resembles one of those Guy Fawkes masks here.

    • Jessi03

      Everything you wrote here is golden.  Thank you.

    • TomBord

      Looooooove the strap-on sausage casing on her. It goes really well w/ her ‘I’m married to a gay dude face.’
      And (s)he’s got a real good village peeps vibe going….or maybe 70’s village clone. Pre-aids. 
       I love seeing the wealthy exude misery.  LVE IT. 

    • Cathy S

      That color looks great on her.

    • Scimommy

      Aw, she got rid of the ankle strap just for you, TLo!

      • Sara Munoz Munoz

        LOL! So now the shoes look ridiculous with the loop in the back. Plus they’re huge.

    • teensmom99

      Maybe you can be too thin.  That tiny, tailored dress is swimming on her and it doesn’t look good.

    • MilaXX

      funny, but true and I love them anyway.

    • TropiCarla

      Thank you for my morning giggles. That J-H-T stuff is almost as good as NinaCaps.
      Zoe Saldana needs that fab dress hanging in her closet.

    • jw_ny

      What a better place this world would be if the Beckhams would enlighten us all on how to be as fabulous as they are…

    • FlamingJune1967

      Come on, he’s not smiling either.  It always bothers me a little that women are expected to smile all the time.  I’ve had random strangers tell me to smile – (I live in the south.)  But No ONE ever tells my husband to smile.

    • MinAgain

      God, they bore me.

    • MzzPants

      Is he shielding her?  Is he dragging her?  Is this old China and she’s being subservient?   What?

    • BobStPaul

      She looks great – the dress, if anything, looks better on her than the model.  He, on the other hand, is not as put-together as usual.  Massive puckering on the leg seam and the tie clasp, as someone pointed out, is dorky.

      • Shawn EH

        Which just makes him look more macho, and slightly less metrosexual, than usual, so it’s still a win.

    • formerlyAnon

      They look very well dressed & groomed, in appropriate and attractive clothing. Which is how exceedingly rich people going places where they will be photographed (where being photographed is, in at least a minor way, part of the deal) should look. I find it pleasant and soothing.

      When I was with my much taller husband, walking like that was a caretaking gesture in which he dealt with navigation. And when my face is relaxed, I look serious-to-irritated (hate that, but there it is). So I read nothing into their expressions & body language.

      I know she will always love platforms for the extra inch or so they give her, but I am tired of these kind of shoes.

    • SophieCollier

      Aw, rich, thin and beautiful and going to a celebrity birthday party.  I can see why they are so miserable.  Poor dears.

    • miagain

      She has to look down the entire time, to make sure she doesn’t take a header in front of the cameras…

    • Hiptobesquare

      “We think Mr. and Mrs. J-H-T should host a children’s show. For depressed, cranky, moody children.” She’s no Miss Frances, is she?
      Love her dress, wish she would realize that the giant platforms are on their way out and wear a pretty shoe.  See the Elie Saab runway photos.

      I hope they had fun at the party. 

    • LambeeBaby

      She looks freaky when she smiles, and she knows it, I think that is why she avoids smiling. She looks great and he is ever so smart. How can you tell her shoes are too big? is it because her toes are not “peeping”?

    • PinkLemon

      is there a bronze eyeshadow mini trend happening that i’m not aware of?

    • nannypoo

      I like the dress except for the straps, which look very uncomfortable. If she doesn’t like her face when she smiles, then she shouldn’t have to smile. She should, however, compose her face into something pleasant-looking. I hate his facial hair.

    • ballerinawithagun

      Thanks for the great visuals to keep me laughing all day! Great dress.

    • mhleta

      Love her dress! I’d have chosen black shoes for him and happy-inducing shoes for her. 

    • SewingSiren

      He looks impatient with her for wearing those gigantic shoes and hobbling along too slow for him. She must be a real skin flint to wear the way too big freebies and not just go out and by a pair that fit..

    • meowing

      Geez, they’re attending a birthday party looking this grim?  How do they look going to a funeral?

    • quiltrx

      I WANT to go on adventures and solve mysteries!!

      And my caption for Dave: “yet again, I have to drag this sour bitch out of the house.”

    • CassandraMortmain

      Love the dress.  I don’t know if she actually does the design work or if someone else does and she just slaps her name on the label, but either way, I really love her clothes.  Of course, it all looks like watered-down Roland Mouret but still, fab.

      He loks good but not quite up to par.  The tie bar is retro and not in a cool way and it makes the tie bunch up a bit.  His pants are a bit too tight and too short.  She’s doing the heavy lifting here.  Still, they make a fine-looking couple.

    • n a

      hehe- keep on the Beckhams! perfect commentary!  I hate it when celebs (who need blogs like this and fans like us) to makey their mo-nay have to be soooo above the paps & photo opps.  I mean, really? take a note from Bill & Cathy Cambridge and be a little more gracious, hmm?

    • another_laura

      Seriously, it looks like they had a little spat before they arrived.  Over what, I wonder?  Surely not over which perfectly tailored outfits to dress in?

    • Beth Rang

      They look like they had a terrible argument on the way to the event. 

    • L.

      love her dress

    • jmorino08

      I cannot with that facial hair on him. He looks like an old-timey villian.

    • rainwood1

      Victoria needs better posture to make that dress look like it should.  The shoes are truly terrible – from color to style to fit. 

    • marilyn

      What is holding that dress around her neck?  A suspender?  What?!?  The dress does not lay flat from the waist down, either on her or the model.  Is that intentional, or is it not fitting well?   Do we dare tell her?

    • Paula Pertile

      Wouldn’t you love to be a fly on the wall in their wardrobe (which is probably a whole wing) while they get ready to go out? Are valets and maids standing by, ready to pick up flung away discarded items, and simultaneously fetch and tweak and say “very good Madam/Sir”. I would.

      *edited to fix ‘too hot today’ grammar goofs

    • Lauren Lynch Fox

      If they don’t eat, where do they get all dressed up to go? I have always wondered….

      God, they  look good (and hungry)!

    • erin27

      Your commentary is at an all time high…..getting funnier and more cutting by the day!

    • Srw27

      Jesus, would it kill her to eat something??  Or smile??  She’s married to David effing Beckham-SMILE!!!!!!!!!

    • TheDivineMissAnn

       If I had photographers following every blood move I made, I wouldn’t be smiling either.  Sure they are “public” figures, but leave them the hell alone once in a while.  What a major pain in the ass a life like that would be.  It would suck the joy right out of you.

    • Anathema_Device

      Mr. and Mrs. Jolly-Happy-Time. OMFG. I will now have that in my head whenever I see a picture of them. Thank you.

    • HK4Seven

      I would SO watch that show.

    • Pamela

      To my amazement, I like the dress.  However, those shoes are a sin against nature.  No wonder she’s looking at the ground in every picture.  She’s nearly en pointe so it’s probably wise to watch she doesn’t put a foot wrong.  I’m constantly astounded that, even though these women are stick-thin, they can maneuver in shoes that probably cause spinal damage along with crippled feet.

    • CarolinLA

      I read this morning that Katie Holmes observed the Beckhams and deduced that they had a real marriage and began to realize hers was really off.  She even confided in VB about it.  There was no mention of the advice about crankiness, non-eating, or tattooing that VB may have given as she is trying to remain neutral for the couple.

    • P. Capet

      funniest post ever

      ps i would watch that show

    • guest2visits

      I would like this simple dress if the neck was something other than this inexpensive looking, furniture strap.
      The shoes are nice. I get the impression she’s looking for crumbs along the ground.

      • holdmewhileimnaked

        that’s probably cos she’s hungry.

        • guest2visits

          Starving!  Le Miserables Hungry.

    • Adam Christopher Maniff

      I want Posh and Becks to adopt me. Love them. Having said that, didn’t VB’s BFF (VBFF?) wear that dress in the last few weeks? Gay gasp!

    • bellafigura1

      She’s her line’s own best advertisement.  Great dress, perfection on her.

    • Vera

      Love that dress.  Surprisingly, I like her dresses a lot.  Didn’t think I would.

    • frankystein123

      So beautiful, yet so anguished looking.

    • TieDye64

      Loving the commentary! Also loving the dress…what a color!…and Mrs. J-H-T is rocking the shit out of it. Nothing new there. Hate clodhoppers.

    • M Carlson

      Your first comment made think of the old SNL skit for Sprockets. “Now is the time we dance.”

    • nancylee61

      You guys are hilarious! I really don’t like them, they always look so miserable, but she is always impeccable, except for the shoes that she seems to not be able to walk in.