Jessica Biel in Oscar de la Renta

Posted on July 31, 2012

We were planning on getting to this yesterday, right after the Kate Beckinsale post, but we …  didn’t, because we … got a little lazy late in the day. Can you forgive, darlings?

Besides, it’s not like this look is scintillating and y’all were missing out.

Jessica Biel attends the “Total Recall” photocall in Los Angeles in an Oscar de la Renta dress paired with Brian Atwood platform pumps.

Brian Atwood ‘Zenith’ Platform Pump

Jesus, the two of them apparently went with a “Salute to Bland” theme in their dressing. Satin platform pumps are an offense unto God, but at least Beckinsale managed to inject a little color into the outfit.

Biel’s dress is … okay. Not great, but not awful. We don’t really love the proportions on the skirt. But there’s no reason why this dress couldn’t have worked for her. All she needed to do was get her hair styled after she pulled herself out of the pool, choose a lip color that doesn’t pull focus, and strap on a pair of heels that have a little personality to them. It might not have achieved WERQ status, but it would have been a decent look. This is just awkward and half-assed. Also, we’re thinking a thin belt, much like the one Kate’s sporting.

All the pictures available from this photocall were terribly composed, which is why we couldn’t really get a “Pairs Division” post out of it or really devote much time to Colin Farrell’s look, which is fine, but strangely monochromatic.

[Photo Credit: Getty,]

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    • Sobaika

      Hair just looks unwashed. And am I looking at Biel Buttcheek?

      • heartbot

        It looks like she just ran a comb through it after a hard workout at the gym. GROSS.

    • alyce1213

      I see Paris, I see France, I see Jessica’s underpants.
      And those shoes! Ugh.

    • Anathema_Device

      Ack. Frankenshoe, horrible dress color for her, scraggly-ass hair. Also not digging the overly bright lipstick and the washed out eye/face makeup.

      Would love to see the dress on someone with a darker skin tone.

      • Candigirl1968

        Yes.  I have an urge to reach through my computer screen and brush her hair.  Also, did the makeup artist only have one base?  Her face is the same color as Kate’s.

      • 3boysful


    • Kiltdntiltd

      Can’t Stop. Yawninnnnnn ghhhhh. (snores loudly)

      • mjude

        wake up darling, would an adult beverage of your choice help?

        • call_me_schmeg

          this outfit would drive me to drink

        • Kiltdntiltd

          Well, it surely couldn’t hurt! One Bellini, please.

          • MajorBedhead

             I will keep these photos for when I need a good soporific.

    • BazoDee

      It looks worse than half-assed to me. I mean that is not her dress, the stying is horrid. Her hair and make-up need help. She can do so much better. 

      • tereliz

        Looks pretty whole-assed to me. Like, you can see her WHOLE ASS. 

      • Shannon Beamer

        AGREED.  I have SO MUCH anger for that hair, which — as the Fug Girls described it — is mangy as all hell.  I mean, I am a regular woman without access to free couture, stylists, and/or dedicated hairstylists, and I *somehow* (sarcasm) manage to get out of the house looking cleaner and more put together than this.  She just needs to start over (and also fire the person who convinced her that the lip color was a good choice). 

        • AudreysMom

           ‘mangy’ – not that’s the word I was searching for when I looked at this picture. Not a word to be used lightly or often but it completely applies here. In what universe is this considered attractive?

    • Jill_3

      Those shoes wound me. And her hair is appalling. I would quite like the dress… if there had been COLOR somewhere in the outfit.

    • MilaXX

      Hate the hair, hate the makeup, esp. the lip, hate the shoes. Dress is okay, I agree it could have used a skinny belt.

    • ChiliP

      She looks fine. The hair is tragic. Is she wearing a nude slip/lining, or is that Biel bum I see in the last picture?

      Also, screw Colin. More Bryan Cranston, please.

      • Heather

        Omigod, that is him! I thought I recognized the profile. He looks so different when he’s not Walter White.

        Her hair is awful here. Mine looks better and I am working from home and have it in an unbrushed ponytail.

        Also, am surprised she’s not towering over Colin F. in those shoes. Is he wearing lifts?

        • ChiliP

           And thank goodness he does, otherwise I would not be able to look at him without fearing/hating him.

          Good point about Colin. According to wiki, he’s 5’11 and she’s 5’8, so I’m not sure how he appears to be taller even when she is wearing those massive heels.  It could be the camera angle because in the second and third shots they seem to be about even, which would make sense if his shoes have any sort of heel/lift to them.

          • Heather

            And of course, saying he’s 5’11” really means that he’s 5’9″! :-)

    • marlie


      Sorry about that. Seriously, I LOVE a platform pump, but *these* bland, uninteresting ones are taking over the red carpet, and I can’t take it anymore!

      I really like Jessica’s (And Kate’s) dress, but the shoes and the cocker spaniel hair just ruin the look. Imagine if she’d just pulled the hair back and worn some shoes with personality?!

    • Sarah Winningham

      I get that she wants people to stop seeing her as only an amazonian action babe but she needs to stop with the bangs and the lace, they are so clearly not for her.

    • KathKo

      the proportions are off.
      The waist of the skirt is too high for her breast size.
      Her hair look like it need a cut and a coloring.

    • twocee

      Wait.  Is that a crocheted skirt paired with a sequined tank top?  And you can see through the skirt?

      Combine that with the hair and the makeup and the girl looks, as a good friend of mine used to say, “rode hard and put up wet.”


      • Introspective

        She tends to look really rough around the edges in everything she puts on. Is it just me or can this girl not dress herself to save her life?? Her fiancee apparently picks out her clothes cause she cant do it. But he cant do it for shit either.

        Everyone on her team is either nuts or in on a cruel joke cause she hasnt looked anything but tragic in all her public appearances for the last 6 mos.

    • call_me_schmeg

      LIPSTICK!!!!! (that’s all i’ve got)

    • Jangle57

      “All she needed to do was get her hair styled after she pulled herself out of the pool…”  Ha – nailed it!  Whole look doesn’t work for me – love the skirt but hate the top with it. 

    • TheOriginalLulu

      I do like the dress, but I’m having a problem with her hair. It’s pretty and beachy, but I don’t think that it goes well with this look. Hair definitely should have been more polished and I agree that a skinny belt would have been nice here. 

    • Judy_J

      I hope that crocheted skirt had some sort of lining.  The dress itself is OK, but the color is so bleah.  A non-color, if you will. 

    • G

      Boring.  And I don’t think bangs are her friends.

    • Stella Zawistowski

      That lip color. Those dreadful matchy-match platforms. I can’t.

    • Presumptuous Insect

      Biel is really a great-looking woman, but, yeah, the hair isn’t working.  I wish she had gone for something a little out there, as this is a scifi film she’s promoting.

    • Nancer

      Is that Agent Coulson?


      Dress is cute, hair is hideous, make-up is scary, and shoes are boring. Neeeeeext.

    • julnyes

      That lip color is giving me the cold shivers.

    • formerlyAnon

      Ya know, she’s really  making Ms. Beckinsale look polished. And since Oscar de la Renta is nobody’s idea of overly casual or downmarket, I’d say not a hugely successful effort.

    • PeggyOC

      She always does this.  It’s always a look that could have worked, if only.  It’s like she just doesn’t know what looks good on her.  She needs to ditch that terrible cocker spaniel haircut, and the Wax Candy lips.  

    • NilBlur

      She should play Joni Mitchell in the biopic.

    • PinkLemon

      i’d like it if it wasn’t DISHWATER

    • tereliz

      Yuck, would it have killed her to have worn a slip or something? 

    • Jillaine13

      She cut her bangs!  At least that’s better.  My one nice thing to say today.

    • SapphoPoet

      Seriously dislike the silly putty dresses. 

    • JasmineAM

      Good lord this girl is so boring. She can’t act in the slightest bit. I can’t even remember the last time I saw her in anything. She just seems to be an ultra vanilla, empty void of a human. Jessica Bielbot. The hair is tragic.

    • l_c_ann

      Mostly, I just see the lip color.  It dominates.  Even if she didn’t intend it to.
      The pattern of the lace itself is lovely and is wasted in a skirt that is just there, waiting to go back on a hanger.

    • Kayceed

      Blandly unkempt.

    • SpcilK

      Her hair style is not flattering and she looks older than her years. This was a bad, bland outfit choice. 

    • TieDye64

      What a snoozefest. I just can’t with that hair, and BURN those freaking shoes already. 

    • Susan Collier

      Are they going to a coworker’s wedding?

      • Tom and Lorenzo

        NAILED IT.

    • miagain

      ihatethoseshoesihatethoseshoesihatethoseshoe…if I say it three times will they go away?

      • marlie

         I feel the same way. I worry that if I see those shoes one more time, I may lose it and start raging out loud, and then get kicked out of my favorite coffee shop.

    • kimmeister

      Brian Atwood must have had a deal with this movie or something, since he supplied both ladies their horrid platform pumps.  Someone needs to stop him!

    • SewingSiren

      A mouth.

    • Rand Ortega


    • Shannon Stewart

      Just can’t stand her.  

      • Jennifer Ford

        I feel the same way; not exactly sure why, but it’s a long-felt, visceral dislike.

    • Sara Munoz Munoz

      I can’t even say, “she needs to do something with her hair”, because she DID do something with her hair. Look at the little barrette in the back. THIS IS styled. Yikes, girl.

    • Gabriella M

      Total Recall – except of the clothing, because who would?
      I like the lace of the skirt, and the transparency of it, but it’d work better in a color. At least something to give it a little contrast. I’m reimagining this dress in seafoam green and I immediately like it more. 

    • GTrain

      Hot mess. Dull dress and shoes, messy/unclean hair and clownish lip color that makes her mouth look twice it’s size.

    • Lilithcat

      Not scintillating, but better than anything else at that photocall.  Not that that would be difficult.

    • mom2ab

      Just awful- they look like bridesmaids at the going away brunch after a particularly wild reception-half drunk, half hung over, unwashed, wearing almost an outfit and checking to see if they have barf in their hair from the previous night. 

    • NurseEllen

      I can’t come up with one positive comment about her dress, her shoes, her hair, her makeup, or her overall look.

      Oh, wait: It looks like she’s admiring Kate’s earrings.  I like them too.  So, Jessica has good taste in earrings.

      There, now I don’t feel so bitchy.

    • EEKstl

      The bland leading the bland.

    • random_poster

      Cute dress.  Her bangs have got to go.  

    • guest2visits

      She looks very good, and it’s the first time in a long while that I’ve liked her hair. I kind of love the dress, I think a belt is optional.
      But it looks like Biel and Beckinsale are having a who’s the tallest duel. I don’t mind Biel’s shoes, but I can think of some better
      sandal-type heels for the dress.


      ugh!  terribly bland.  and that hair!  egads, girl you’ve got the dough, spend some on a good hair stylist!

      I am sure she is waxed to within an inch of her life, but it sure looks like a healthy bush she’s sporting!  Probably not the look she was going for!!! 

    • Ksagun13

      How is it someone so genetically blessed looks so boring?   The whole look is just beige.  Very, very beige.  OUT!!!!!!!

    • holdmewhileimnaked

      this is not my favorite person in the world, not by half, but boy do i like her dress. the bottom more than the top & the shoes are, yes, almost poisonous in their pizzazzlessness, plus the lipstick a little, i dunno, iffy, i guess. but the dress is beautiful. i wish i could afford to buy one.

    • Call me Bee

      Oh yikes!  This trend (well…for years now..) of greasy chunky long hair has got to go (the gal who hosted the PR Pre-show introducing all the desginers had awfuk hair as well!)  it looks dirty and un-combed and  ratty.  And please–someone tell Jessica that bangs are not her friend.  She used to look so much better! 

    • quiltrx

      Sorry, I’m going to have to yell at these two heifers.

      WHAT THE FUCK??? You are in TOTAL RECALL, for God’s sake.  If there was EVER a time to pull out the gaudy (remember Sharon’s workout gear?), it’s NOW.  And you two are being outshined by Douchemaster General between you there.  Pathetic!

    • DourBeast

      I can only assume that their cycles synced up while they were filming. These two just wanted to lie down with a heating pad and a book and full-on beige was the closest they could get, what with contractual obligations. And dear Lord those orthopedic whore shoes excite the fugly center of my brain. It’s just a-throbbin.

    • Srw27

      Her hair is TRA-GIC and I find the rest of her (in general) to be remarkably boring.  Meh

      • sleah_in_norcal

        she looks like a shaggy dog.  woof!

    • Bert Keeter

      de la Dumpy? ….all it is missing is the knit cardigan that it is intended to be worn with on the shoulders of the upereastsidemoneyedparavenueladytolunchinatlagrenouille! Enough said!

    • emily

      It’s HIDEOUS. That being said, in another colour, it would be really outstanding.

    • emily

      Oh and I hope those shoes, and the ones Kate Beckinsale is wearing die a horrible death, though given how those horrible Louboutins have persisted, I sadly think they’ll be around for a while.

    • Elizabeth Siegel

      Poor girl… what happened to her hair?!

    • bellafigura1

      Yeah, the skirt is hanging heavy, which is mirroring the hair which is hanging heavy. All topped off (bottomed off?) by those heavy heavy horrible shoes.  Eek, just. what. But the pic of her admiring whats-her-names earrings is super cute.

    • Cathy S

      I think the dress is cute. Does it come in color?

    • Jessica TallGirl Freeman

      Someone kill the platform pump, stat.  God they look awful. 

    • littlemac8

      Are those choppers really veneers as someone suggested recently?  I thought those were her own and there was nothing she could do about them.  Anyway that lipstick really invites you to zero in on them teef!  I don’t mind those messy, bed head dos.

    • PeaceBang

      Why does she have HAT HEAD?

    • Warmheartedgirl Seattle

      I really like the dress quite a bit, but her lank, lifeless hair, that horrid lipstick, and those fugly shoes, really bring it down.  Between her and Kate, I prefer Kate’s look.

    • Dagney

      Oh dear noooooooooooo Jessica.  It’s time to leave the Renaissance Faire now sweetie.  Let’s go back to the land of clothes that fit and hairspray.

    • pdquick

      The best accessory in this outfit is Colin Farrell.

    • mila_8

      In my world she’s synonymous with silly putty. Would love to slap the comics page on those pumps for any ANY color!

    • ccm800

      that is one terrible wig and one dull ass pretty girl – and the pretty is getting questionable.