Girl, That’s Not Your Dress: Jessica Biel

Posted on July 13, 2012

Don’t get us wrong, Jessica Biel, what you are wearing is a very cute dress…

Jessica Biel at the 2012 ESPY Awards Press Room in a Christian Dior dress paired with Nicholas Kirkwood for Roksanda Ilincic pumps. 

Christian Dior Resort 2013 Collection

Nicholas Kirkwood for Roksanda Ilincic Spring 2012 Pump

…It’s just not the dress for you, dear. You’re tall and statuesque with an athletic body, which means you tend to look great in drapey, dramatic stuff. And while we’d never say you can’t wear a dress like this; it’s simply not where your style strengths lie. It just doesn’t feel quite right. Leave the sassy cheerleader outfits for the tiny little gals who can pull them off. Ship this off to Chloe Moretz or Hailee Steinfeld, dear.

But hey, love your shoes.

 

[Photo Credit: Andrew Evans, Koi Sojer/PR Photos, vogue.com, nicholaskirkwood.com]

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  • call_me_schmeg

    just read someplace (a trashy magazine, no doubt) that she admits to not having much fashion sense and defaults to JT as to what to wear. which means he must’ve wanted to take a cheerleader to the ESPYs. i’m also getting a ballerina vibe.

    do love those shoes.

  • http://twitter.com/TheRedZavodnik Ginger

    I think one of the main issues is that she’s too old for this dress.  Don’t get me wrong…she’s not old, but this dress definitely belongs on a teenager.

    • Allyson Wells

      I agree. Or at least a twenty something. Once you hit 30, I think these ballerina-esque dresses should be out. Don’t want to be lookin’ like Lara Flynn Boyle!

  • Tashina Savage

    I disagree so hard. I think she has never looked lovelier.

    • pookiesmom

      I think she looks great, too.

      • http://korilian.livejournal.com/ korilian

        She looks great! And tall statuesque dressed must get boring eventually.  

    • LaylaSV

       Yup, the dress is cute, the body is unreal and the hair really suits her.  The oversized minnie mouse shoes on the other hand….

    • E_bee

      I’m with you. The bodice is perfect for her–her rack looks phenomenal. Shoulders & arms too.

      • OneTwoThreeFashion

         ditto!

      • http://robot-heart.tumblr.com heartbot

        Agreed. I just wish the dress were longer. Same silhouette with a long dress might have worked…

    • JosephLamour

      I think she’s at the ESPY’s and she looks like the hottest cheerleader ever. IN with the hot fire of a million suns. I would have gone a step further and commissioned a purse that looked like a pom pom. But I love themes.

    • TheOriginalLulu

      While I do understand TLo’s point, I also think she looks great. It’s refreshing to see that she’s not afraid to try something different. I don’t think it’s her best silhouette, but she looks damn good from where I’m sitting.  

  • MarissaLG

    Totally agree- and I don’t really like her hair either. It makes her face look even longer than it is naturally.

  • mmgk

    I wish she’d worn it in the blue, but I think she looks gorgeous.

    • Lori

      I agree that it might have worked better in the blue. Making it all white sucks all the interest out of the dress. Sadly, on Jessica it also veers toward, “Did you guys know I’m getting married? Because I am. I finally got that ring and JT is totally going to go through with it. Really.”

      Or maybe that’s just me.

      • MilaXX

         Apparently JT picks her clothes out, so I guess he’s to blame for this.

  • http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

    For me, the only thing not quite right is the hem line. It needs a few more inches to be the right proportion for her.

    • mjude

      i totally agree about the hem.  btw, love your posts, such a great bitter kitten you are :)

      • http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

        Awwwwww shucks. (blushing)

    • GillianHolroyd

      Yep, the short length is too jejeune with her boobs.

      The blue version is stunning on the model.

      • http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

        Wow, you get so many extra points for using jejune in a sentence! Brava!

        • formerlyAnon

           There are no extra left for her, however brilliant. I gave her all available points for her screen name, long ago.

          • http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

            With which decision, I completely concur.

    • http://www.GiftedCollector.com Nancy Abrams

      Here’s the deal with the hem: The last time we saw these full skirts was in the late ’50s when the hem line was just a few inches above the ankle. Now they’re being worn very short, so the proportions seem off. It’s jarring to those of us who remember when this look was only for grammar school girls and younger. 

      I’ve been observing this over the last several weeks and note that many of the skirts are actually shorter than the tops of the dresses. To look right, the skirt has to be at least as long as the measurement from shoulder to waist. Jessica is one of the very few I’ve seen who has that right. But the ankle straps only add to the overall juvenile look on her.

      • http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

        You are so right. It’s all about balancing the proportions, and certain baseline concepts hold true with regard to how we perceive visual balance.

    • http://twitter.com/foodycatAlicia foodycatAlicia

       A couple of inches longer and a quarter inch more space in the bodice – she’s about to head into bierkeller territory!

      • http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

         Yep, there is a bit of Bubbsmash goin’ on.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_B3CIEK7XAS3YKAAKFJFMIIKC4I Nacogdoches

    I love the dress and hate the shoes! Personally I think this would look great with flats…but what do I know, I’m tall and leggy and can’t quit wearing these little sassy dresses that I’m probably too old for  :D

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/C5T2QPOAWOBDRHFL2MFAV7KQCY Tracy

    It’s just too twee.  If we saw it on Zooey, it’d be an “of course.” From the neck up she looks beautiful and sophisticated, but from the neck down, she looks like she’s headed to a swingers theme party. It’s just not RC-worthy.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2P2ANLRZ6YAVGONA36I2AQJYGI VicD

      It would have been perfect as her Comic Con outfit.  Too bad she’s at a different event.

  • Rand Ortega

    She looks fantastic, hair, makeup, I even enjoy the shoes. But the dress is something Minnie Mouse would wear to a cocktail party. 

  • http://twitter.com/msjwatt J.Watt

    I think this is nice on her. She sort of looks like a reverse tennis ball.

  • IAmJ

    She doesn’t seem fun enough to pull this look off.

    • Squarah

      Hah, I agree. I really like the hair on her though.

  • http://twitter.com/A_SmallFry AC

    those shoes are bomb!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=48905200 Tenille Clarke

    Maybe she needed a different colour, but I think she looks adorbs. She needed better jewelry as well- the “bare” look doesn’t help the suitability of “teenaged” factor when it comes to the style of dress. Wonder what the reaction would’ve been if this were an “In or Out” post instead of a GTNYD one.

    But she’s cute.

  • http://aldonsusi.blogspot.com/ Susi R

    I think she looks nice…. although she does strike me as an unpleasant person for some reason.

  • jilly_d

    I think it’s a nice departure for her and she looks adorable. Do wish she had gone with the blue, but nevertheless, she’s pulling it off.  The shoes were an inspired choice and I think they keep it from looking to bridal.

  • alyce1213

    What is this – a contagion of 30-something women wearing short fluffy dresses?  
    Did anyone see Marion Cotillard in this?
    http://gofugyourself.com/fug-or-fab-marion-cottilard-07-2012Of course it’s Chloe’s or Hailee’s dress.  Jessica Biel, pretty as she is, looks utterly ridiculous.

  • http://www.facebook.com/catherine.kronenwetter Catherine L Kronenwetter

    I got a serious Barbie doll vibe on this one

    • http://www.facebook.com/catherine.kronenwetter Catherine L Kronenwetter

      Especially picture #4

    • Vlasta Bubinka

      Exactly, it’s Ice Dance Fantasy Barbie!

  • http://red.filmsbyneptune.com/ Dani Colman

    I kind of love it, I just don’t think she stuck the landing.  On her athletic frame, it looks very tennis dress-adjacent, which would be pretty fun and a little bit cheeky if she lost the bump-it and dressed it up with some sporty accessories (a colourful cuff, a chunky necklace, something like that).  Especially given the obvious tennis-ball yellow of the shoes, which I think must have been deliberate, I wish she’d actually play off her sporty bod and have some fun with it: as is, it looks like she headed in that direction then chickened out on her way out the door.

  • http://twitter.com/NJPaganelli NJPaganelli

    I think she looks beyond fab. Maybe a bracelet? She is bringing the fierce-blue steel-Angie pout in the pic above the shoe

  • Snailstsichr

    I liked it better in the Royal blue – and without the baby heads. The shoes are cute, but look painful.

  • ChaCha_70

    Why do I dislike her so much?!

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/42UXHGPGQJ3W4EVP64HIW22E64 Sandra

    The dress is lovely on her, I just think that she needed flats instead of wearing trannies.  What’s with the tranny shoes lately anyway?  These are the shoes that will be the laughing stock of generations to come.

  • kelsita421

    i agree it’s not really her vibe… but i think adding a few inches to the hem would indeed make a world of difference.

  • Anna Maria Diamanti

    I’d love it if the skirt weren’t so full. The bodice highlights her rack beautifully. And the shoes are fab.

  • AthenaJ

    I wish she would have worn the dress in blue. As it is, the look kinda skeeves me out because it seems like a grown woman trying to look like a little girl. Her bangs are also giving me eye-twitches. I will say, though – her body is amazing!!

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/XAFAJ53QF3DLEFQB3WTLMRM75E MarinaB

    I LOVE it.  I think she looks awesome.  And I hate her!  So that’s saying something.

  • VictoriaDiNardo

    I don’t think it would feel so young if the bodice was tailored correctly for her bustline and it was a few inches longer.  Add some earrings or bracelets and she could have had a nice Gina Lollobrigida vibe going on.

  • Michele Forney

    I like the bodice because for once she doesn’t look like a linebacker.  But I agree that there’s something wrong with the fullness/shortness of the skirt that doesn’t work on her.

  • cam_lo

    I actually think she looks super cute and young here. Most of the time, I think she looks like she takes herself too seriously, but this was totally perfect for the ESPYs. She would’ve looked ridiculous in something drapey and dramatic there. There’s something to be said for dressing appropriately for the occasion. 

  • http://twitter.com/kerrymccombs Kerry McCombs

    I kinda like it. I would have liked it even more if she had worn the navy dress that’s on the model.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Emily-Smith/12431153 Emily Smith

    I saw this on TV and actually really liked her in it!

  • MilaXX

    I don’t mind the dress but I hate the shoe, especially the ankle strap. I think shoe could have pulled this off if she was wearing a regular pump and hadn’t given the boobs the baby head treatment.

  • Judy_S

    I agree with those who see the tennis vibe as appropriate for the ESPYs. It may not be the best use of the dress or her body, but she still looks beautiful.
     

  • BazoDee

    Why would she hider her fantastic ass-ets??? Why?? Nope -not a dress that plays to her strengths. And it is twee as …well you know. 

  • lilibetp

    When I was getting on the train this morning, I saw a woman wearing a a top and blouse that was obviously supposed to look very similar to Jessica’s dress.

    She was about 5 feet tall, plump, EXTREMELY short-waisted and EXTREMELY long-legged.  She had the top tucked tightly into the skirt, which was pleated all around.  The pleats were NOT sewn-down and the largest part of her hips was right below the waist – this made the pleats unpleat in back, which made her look even shorter-waisted and hippier.  The skirt ended well above her knees.  With this she was wearing EXTREMELY high-heeled brown gladiator platforms with zippers in the back.  I understand wanting to look taller, but the overexaggeration of her proportions made her look almost deformed.

    I wanted to snatch that outfit off her and put her in a longer, floaty (but not pleated) skirt with an untucked top and lower-heeled sandals or maybe some cute espadrilles.

  • dickylarue

    I loved it on her and it was appropriate for the event. 

  • agentilities

    Is that hair colour we see close to her ears in that second picture or a new make-up trend?

  • janetjb

    The blue version might have been better, but the length of the dress in combination with the height of the shoes is horrible.

  • bluefish

    My Little Pony!

  • http://phantomminuet.blogspot.com/ MinAgain

    I have to disagree.  I think she looks great, although a little bit more length on the skirt might have made it look less cheerleadery.

  • MK03

    Highlighter heels. I can’t unsee it.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    Yes, we get that you’re an expectant bride. Geez. That dress looked a lot better in the original colors. This way, it’s bland.

    Sidenote: she said on InStyle that Timberlake chooses her wardrobe, which just proves that Justin Timberlake has never known anything about fashion, ever.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jessica-TallGirl-Freeman/1043623567 Jessica TallGirl Freeman

      I second that.  He’s no fashion icon.  It explained everything for me when it comes to her inability to dress.

  • gabbilevy

    I’m getting a Stepford doll vibe, hard. And while that fits into the narrative that I imagine of their relationship, it doesn’t suit her. Pretty enough, but, meh.

  • Jangle57

    Love the shoes – but not with this dress; it’s just too much shoe with too little dress.  A flat or perhaps some kind of sandal?  The dress is fine but for some reason, the phrase ‘trying too hard’ keeps running through my mind though I’m not sure what she’s trying too hard to be or look: young maybe?

  • SewingSiren

    I think it looks good on her. True, not her usual. But rather a nice change. For her height perhaps a little long? But then it may have looked old fashioned.

  • SophieCollier

    This is giving off the MILF-wearing-her-daughter’s-dress vibe.  Her body is slammin’ and I totally get wanting to show it off.  But it looks like a little girl dress and she has the presence of a strong and very grown up woman.  Does not suit her.  I don’t like the shoes at all but then again, big white clunky shoes make everyone’s feet look enormous.

  • marilyn

    That looks like a dress from Hee-Haw.  The tight low-cut top with the Ellie-May style skirt.  Yikes.

  • Annabelle Archer

    At this point I feel like “Girl, That Is Not Your Dress” could be renamed “Pulling a Biel”.

    When does she ever get it right?  When? (I am seriously asking)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jessica-TallGirl-Freeman/1043623567 Jessica TallGirl Freeman

    Give her a racket and some sneakers and she’s ready to play tennis int he Hamptons! Didn’t she must make a comment that Justin “dresses her”….well girl, we have figured out why you never seem to get it right.  Hire a stylist. Not your boyfriend. 

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/QK3MTAHUVJCMI7DANY6WFCAIUM n a

    See, this is just greedy, Jessica Biel.  So many women would KILL for her figure- just b/c you CAN wear a dress like this, doesn’t mean you should- let the little girls have this style.

  • GorgeousThings

    She’s going for the “I’m about to be a bride!” look.

  • guest2visits

    The reason it looks like a cheerleader’s twirly skirt is because it’s too short for Jessica.
    She’s a grown woman who looks too tall for this dress; she’s growing out of both ends. 
    I think if it was made knee-length, or slightly longer, it would be very nice for her.
    Also; I don’t like the little girl pose, and I’m not crazy about the shoes because of it.

  • formerlyAnon

    No. This one is very wrong, and in a very recognizable way. She shouldn’t have needed a stylist to tell her no.

  • mhleta

    I agree with TLo. She’s 30. Leave this for the juniors.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Louise-Bryan/1177213326 Louise Bryan

    Actually, I think she would’ve looked better in the blue dress the model is wearing.  The white is sort of bleh.

  • LauraWL

    I think she looks adorable. She has the right colouring for white. Hate the hair bump though

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VW5XHSH45FBZ2ZEZJARYHILIZQ Leah

    Mmm disagree with this one. I really like the look on her. Don’t think it looks young on her or anything and the shoes are gorgeous.

  • nannypoo

    Remember those jewelry boxes with a little figure that twirled when you lifted the cover? See above.

  • MissAnnieRN

    Ewww. Hate the shoes. That giant rectangular highlighter as the heel is awful. Yuck. And with Chanel? No.

  • http://needtherapy.tumblr.com/ skadi1

    Ooh, I’m going to disagree. I think she looks great, and I rarely do.
    Also, pretty sure the guys at the ESPYs don’t care WHAT she’s wearing. Those are her fanboys, and they’d be just as happy to see her in a gunny sack.

  • OneTwoThreeFashion

    i think she looks pretty hot – she can definitely pull anything off!

  • Candigirl1968

    Jessica, give that dress to Elle Fanning.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1241487378 Lauren Lynch Fox

    8th, no 7th grade dance

  • frankystein123

    The infantilization here is creeping me out.

  • http://twitter.com/jessicapippin Jessica Pippin

    I actually really loved her in this dress. I think she looks gorgeous. I love the shoes, and the hair and make up look great. 

  • quiltrx

    Too short, too white, too twee.  The blue one, in a longer length, might have been better.

  • Dagney

    Mmmm, I’m thinking…change out of shoes for something strappy, maybe a pointed-toe?  Add…a red purse?  And put the hair down too.

    • KathKo

      … And change the dress.

  • KathKo

    She looks like a Ice-skater on a budget and, come on, it’s a frigging fabulous Dior dress !
    How can you manage to scale down a Dior dress, girl ?

  • turtleemily

    I don’t mind the proportions so much as I think both Jessica and the model are too tall for the dress. One slight breeze, and they’ll be flashing the good china.

    She needs to grow out those booms already. Or have them start lower since they kinda look like a piece tacked halfway between her hairline and the top of her head.

  • Larkin21

    I actually love the top part of the dress and I think it’s very flattering on her. The skirt doesn’t look great on her but it’s still cute. The shoes, though … not a fan.

  • EEKstl

    I actually love this on her –and yes, killa shoes – but it’s just too short.