Girl, That’s Not Your Dress: Jennifer Lopez

Posted on May 01, 2012

This was a “Honey, NO” moment if ever we saw one:


Jennifer Lopez attends Summer Tour Press Conference in California in a Lanvin dress paired with Giuseppe Zanotti pumps.

Lanvin Spring 2012 Collection/Model: Nimue Smit (NEXT)

We don’t know what sort of alchemy or magic was used on her – whether the lighting was good or the mirror was magically flattering or she was high as a kite or struck temporarily blind or insane – but somehow she was convinced, the first time she tried this on, that it was a good idea. Somehow, through some nefarious trickery wrought upon her by a mustache-twirling stylist, she was led to believe that a Star Trek uniform rendered in varying shades of sunburn with a bejeweled snake wrapped around her neck was going to be an appropriate choice for not only a public appearance, but onstage, sitting down. Back to your quarters, Counselor Troi. We’re sensing that this dress looks awful on you and you know it. Set this dress free on the wind, where someday Chloe Sevigny will do it justice by only standing and walking in it – and doing something batshit with her hair.


[Photo Credit: Andrew Evans / PR Photos,]

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  • Oooo. Poor choices all around, here.

    • Carly Warnock

      In addition to those bad choices, what is that yellow make up crap on her leg? Makes her look diseased. 

      • Golfkat

        I think it’s a yellow light from somewhere above her.

  • Judy_J

    All I could think of when I saw the first photo was the classic question, “Does this dress make my ass look big?”  And the answer came back, “Yes….yes it does.”

    • To which JLo might feasibly answer “this is the one then!”

    • Valdri8

       This dress makes the SNAKE’S ass look big

      • HomeOfficeGirl


      • Snowbabie

        Hence forth, when I’m trying on clothing, I will turn to the mirror and consider, would this make a snake’s ass look big?

  • BrooklynBomber

    I just can’t believe that’s Lanvin. I’m stunned. She looks awfully pretty, though.

    • Beardslee

      and no blue steel!  She looks prettier and more animated than usual.  The dress is awful, though.

      • moppet

         I totally agree. She looks so chipper!

      • She really does, doesn’t she? She’s on the verge of giggles which is totally cute. I even give the ratty  ponytail a pass, she’s a neck-up WERQ. And the dress can go elsewhere.

    • Kayceed

      The house of Lanvin has a lot to answer for – all those Frankendresses favored by Julianna Moore, and now this?

      • BrooklynBomber

        Ugh, you’re so right. And I was just looking at (and coveting) some vintage Lanvin necklaces online. . . 

  • And, psst, girl, Spanx aren’t for sharing. (too bad about all the unfortunate apparel choices, because from the neck up she looks great)

    • kimmeister

      I think she’s gotten too used to sitting behind the American Idol Judging desk, where she doesn’t have to worry about what’s visible when she’s seated.

    • mixedupfiles

       She has the best makeup person on the planet, whoever it is.

      • even with the spots of concealer??

        • bellafigura1


        • mixedupfiles

           I think it’s highlighter, which she always wears what you would think would be way too much of, but she also consistently looks like a dewy 22-year-old.

          I console myself by believing that it probably looks ridic in person.

          • terekirkland

             A lot of those “spots” are actually light reflecting off the snake embellishment. I guess it’s not so much an embellishment as a big freaking snake attached to her dress.

          • ChristySchiff

             Maybe if she’d just gone with a real snake, we’d all be talking about that instead of the horrible dress.

    • MissAnnieRN

      I even think that the black part of the dress is stretched too thin and under the lights we’re even get a glimpse of the spanx there, too.  

      • ASK26

        I thought that was what we can see under her right thigh – but looking back at it, I thought maybe it was the back of the dress with one of the other fleshy colors.

    • mozzer0906

       I totally giggled when I saw the Spanx.  It makes an average gal like myself pretty darn happy to know that even the right and famous need to suck it in with technology just like the rest of us. 

  • Lina_bee

    1. Visible spanx = fail.
    2. What the hell is going on with her face? She doesn’t even look like herself.
    3. Actually, she hardly looks human. She looks like a robot with really shiny plasticine skin. Weird.

    • janetjb

      Maybe she’s so distressed by wearing such a snug dress that she’s becoming unglued (as in I can’t sit here any longer and pretend I’m enjoying it while wearing this damn thing).  

    • Little_Olive

      I’m stuck on her face too! Can’t figure out what it is.

      The dress is a bad choice for JLo for any occasion; wearing it when you have to be seated on a stage and directly facing the audience sounds like a mad assistant’s vendetta.

    • lordandtaylor

      I agree with you. Are we sure that is Jenny? Plastic looking is right! She will become funnier and funnier as Lopez refusing to age gracefully. 

    • LANDRU3000

      It’s the oldest trick in the book.   Get work done, and on your first appearance out, wear a train wreck of a dress to distract attention.  Madge does it all the time. 

      • Lina_bee

        Truer words, man. Across the nose and cheeks, she looks all of fifteen.  It is creepy.

  • RebeccaKW

    And…are those her Spank sticking out?

    This whole thing is terrible.  The shoes-honey, you have muscular legs!  Don’t wear an ankle strap!  That awful dress that looks bad on the model.

    • AmandaCathleen

       Yes, the ankle strap + the horse hoof effect of the platforms = girl, those aren’t your shoes, either.

      • ChristySchiff

         Thank you.  I hate those shoes on her.

    • Lori

      It is a weird dress and the model doesn’t look good, but she does look better than JLo. Assuming that this thing should be worn at all,”painted on” is really not the way.

  • schadenfreudelicious

    and while it can happen to the best of us, is that her Spanx i see??..not that there’s anything wrong with that….

  • Super_Red

    oh, yikes! That is…. one very “special” dress. (Let’s all back away slowly before the snake comes to life, mmkay?)

    I don’t actually mind it when she’s sitting down (except for that damned jeweled snake on her neck – SERIOUSLY, Lanvin, SERIOUSLY?? -) but that picture of her standing is atrocious. She is gorgeous and that dress makes her look easily twice her size. At least when she’s sitting you can see the terrible things it’s doing to her waist and hips.

    Her face looks fresh and pretty, though. 

    • 3boysful

      You’re spot-on, Super Red.  And each time I scrolled down a photo, I kept wanting to scream “Look out, Jenny!  There’s a snake around your neck!”

  • AmandaCathleen

    I somehow actually think this looks better sitting down, although seeing her spanx is a little disconcerting. But still. Not her dress. …But am I crazy for thinking this could be SOMEONE’S dress?? I’m just not sure who yet…

  • Pupioso

    Egods! Terrible. JLo. Look in the mirror. If your hips are huge when you put on the dress it’s time to put on something else. Also, the color looks terrible on her. Oh and please we don’t need to see all the cans in the cupboard. Thank you.

  • schadenfreudelicious

    oiled up legs + leather chair = one very sticky combination…..

  • lovelyivy

    Hands down the most unflattering thing I have ever seen her wear. Yes, J Lo is often tacky, but her tacky clothes are usually very well-fitted and emphasize her best assets. This is just tacky- and tacky on a new level- this is the Rose Bowl of tacky (not enough skin to go for Super Bowl status).

  • damnfinecupofcoffee

    T-LO you were so kind not to point out the Spanx shot too!!  I feel so bad for her.

  • JLo would probably be most horrified to know that when she crosses her legs like that in this dress you can see her Spanx.

  • I don’t think that’s anyone’s dress. Pray it doesn’t get passed around like that Stella McCartney monstrosity. Even so I wish Chloe would wear it merely for the blog post you guys would write. Love the backstories.

  • Her spanx are showing.

  • well, the dress does answer one question i’ve always had. yes, in fact, jlo DOES wear spanx! i’m so glad i know this information now…

  • Her face has never looked better. From the neck down though… YIKES! And, are those her Spanx peaking out?

    • 3boysful

       I think that except for the heavy eyeliner, she’s wearing much less eye makeup than we usually see.  I like it.

  • She and Katie Couric must use the same shiny stuff on their legs. 

  • My favorite part? The spanx view, while she’s seated. Snarky me.

    • AthenaJ

      Count me in on the snarkfest! And could that be a teensy bit of cellulite on her thigh, too? In a very petty way it would make me feel better if true 🙂

      • No matter how hard they try to hide it, they are all just human beings like us, who get older.

    • girliecue

      Snark on, Sir Kilted! Although I’m thankful she at least had the sense not to attempt that dress without spanx, there’s only so much spanx can do.

      •  Considering how tight that thing was, spanx was the ONLY answer.

  • VicksieDo

    I like it. I wouldn’t personally simulate a snake on my dress, but it seems like a JLo thing to do…

  • Vaniljekjeks

    This dress belongs on Sharon Needles, for brunch or something low-key and elegant.  

  • EEKstl

    Put this on Bjork, add this purse and then we’re on to something:

  • Jase37206

    And he spanx are showing!

  • spooki C

    WTF is going on with that dress? It is supposed to be a bedazzled snake? Capital F Fugly.

  • marieofnatandmarie

    I like her spanx.

  • I (along with 2 people in my family) have a crippling fear of snakes. Hate this. 

  • j_anson

    I doubt girl cares about that dress. Her FACE looks 25 in these photos, and when you’re getting that at her age, who worries about the dress?

  • minnye

    How many JLo minions d’you suppose got fired once these pics hit the web?

  • This is nobody’s dress….

  • leah besson


  • unbornfawn

    This is awful! What was going through her mind when she looked in the mirror? Did she look in the mirror? You don’t need a stylist to look at this dress and say, “honey, NO!”

  • AthenaJ

    That dress is… unfortunate. Yay for us big-hipped girls, though – JLo is truly one of us 🙂 But damn, did she reverse-age?? Her face looks 15 years younger, all dewy and fetal. I’m thinking it’s a combination of the lighting, softer hair (yes, JLo, you don’t always need to go with the strechy-face tight buns!), fantastic makeup, and possibly a bucket of two of virgin’s blood.

  • Snailstsichr

    Well, other than the Spanx showing, it looks better sitting down than standing. Even the shoes don’t look as bad when she is sitting. Maybe she only looked at a head shot in the mirror???
    I also find the snake creepy. I could never hug anyone wearing this dress, for sure.

  • SpcilK

    Oh my! Not a good choice, but I love the messy ponytail.

  • Joyce VG


  • Eva_baby

    From the neck up she looks like she just stepped off the elliptical machine.  From the neck down….the shoes are pretty.

  • calimon

    Speaking of batshit and hair, wtf is going on with her hair? Did her four year-old style it?

    • Melissa Brogan

       THANK YOU. I was wondering if I was the only one who noticed she seems to have rolled out of bed, hit the gym, then showed up at this event without so much as combing it.

  • Mariana Vial

    That is NOBODY’S dress.  And I like snakes.

  • Michael Telles

    The snake looks like a piece of poop that was slowly spoiling before your eyes as it turns  white.

  • could we pan to the right a scoach for some ENRIQUE? 

  • Lanvin sure makes some fugly crap.  And those shoes are insane-they make my feet hurt just looking at them.

  • introspective

    ooh jenny. this dress looks like you bought it around the block. or rather that it should be run over on the block by your car. several times.

  • kimmeister

    I don’t hate the dress in and of itself, but just not on JLo.

  • girliecue

    Drop the Honey from “Honey, NO!” because she does not deserve a term of endearment from T Lo for this disaster.

  • You can see her SPANX in the third pic.

  • Lilithcat

    “I see London, I see France  .  .  .”

  • SewingSiren

    I can see her Spanks. I see her Spanks!

  • miagain

    I can’t stand her… but despite the ridiculous dress… her face looks quite lovely…. dare I say Fresh… dewey even, heh heh!

    My nana often wore Lanvin perfume… wonder what she’d think of this get up?

  • HomeOfficeGirl

    So, if you didn’t know it was JLo, you might think it was some jr. local morning show reporter doing the mandatory “We have animals in the studio today!!” story.  She looks so fresh-smacked young ‘n happy.

  • LuisaNL

    it’s like someone attached another ass to her hip. BURN. IT. NOW.

  • SapphoPoet

    Her hair and makeup look very soft–that’s a good look for her. The dress is really unfortunate and I’m not even gonna talk about that snake. 

  • BazoDee

    WOW -that’s a pretty epic fail! 

  • katwoody

    Looks like she’s wearing Spanx.

  • Too bad.  Her hair and makeup and legs look awesome.  So close.

  • Vodeeodoe

    I really liked her in Anaconda. The movie.

  • That dress is evil and must be destroyed. A sparkly SNAKE? I don’t even understand.

  • ccm800

    no one’s dress. Hideous

  • lordandtaylor

    I crown Ms Lopez “QUEEN OF GIRL THAT IS NOT YOUR DRESS.” Her fashion sense never had…err…SENSE. The outfits she sports during American Idol are laughable.

  • Andrea Rossillon

    Well, I like it. I think she looks wonderful and womanly, and happy. There’s nothing wrong with being broad in the beam, as my mother would say.  It’s also weird and different. She could perhaps go up a size, as the Fug Girls say, but I dig it. I actually think that tall drinks of water like Charlize Theron, while beautiful to look at, are probably no fun to snuggle with.

    • Andrea Rossillon

       Though I don’t disagree with TLo that it’s a dress that belongs to Counselor Troi.

  • Patricia Gillett

    I’m in the minority here: I think the dress is hideous but it’s totally hers. If I saw that dress on the runway my mind would scream “J.Lo!”

  • I’ve Got Rocks In My Bed

    She tried that shit…..shameful. 

  • At first glance I thought it was a real snake.  I might have been on board with a real snake.

  • The snake is freaking me out.  Why oh why is it NEVER JLo’s dress.  Bless her.

  • MilaXX

    F.U. G. What a hiddy dress and definitely not for a curvy gal. Also her handlers must hate her for not telling her her spanx was showing.

  • eclare

    Also, your spanx are showing. 

    • Char Crop

       Yup…Spanx showing! Uncles, how did you miss that???

    • nancylee61

      Do you think people like her get embarrassed that she sat there, through the whole time, with her underwear showing?? And why does she need Spanx, anyway??

  • sweetestsith

    Her face looks freaking amazing, I want her to wear this makeup more often! The dress is really not for anyone, wtf where they thinking?

  • The glare from her shins is almost enough to distract me from the dress fiasco.  Almost.

  • Terri Smith

    Nice Spanx, honey.

    • That’s all I could see when I looked at the sitting poses, too. She’s totally wearing spanx. Makes her a little more human, right? 

  • butterflysunita

    It took me a minute to realize the snake is actually part of the dress.  Awful!  JLo looks pretty, though.  

  • Agreed. I think we should all soften the blow for poor JLo by pointing out that her hair and make-up look lovely though. No?

    (I’m a poet and completely aware of that fact).

  • bellafigura1

    No, ok.  She LOVED the necksnake.  The necksnake drove the decison/delusion.  She had to wear that thing, and if that very terrible dress was part of the deal, she was going for it.  I happen to think the necksnake is FANFUCKINGTASTIC.  The dress is a skinny-girl dress for um, winter, so no good.  But I love the necksnake.  And so does JLo.  She looks gorgeous.

  • amber_julene

    None of those three dresses, nor their menagerie, are yours.  Sorry dear.

  • marilyn

    Oh dear……..

  • janedonuts

    More amazed that she appears to be covered in Vaseline from head to toe.

  • Maluca

    Spanx on full display. On the one hand, proof she’s not perfect, she needs to keep it sucked in like the rest of us. On the other hand, she probably pays people a hefty amount so that the illusion that someone like her would never need Spanx lives on. Tsk, tsk!

    Oh and HORRIBLE dress!

  • allisankelly

    Her face and legs look great. And now I feel better about my thighs and ass since I can see both spanx and cellulite. 

  • Molly Fox

    If the look she’s after is “snake with a carton of Neapolitan ice cream” then it totally is her dress.

  • I love the shoes, but have to agree about the dress. She does have skinny calves though, jealous.

    • alyce1213

      I’ve never thought her skinny calves were anything to be jealous of. With her ample, curvy thighs, it’s always been an ice cream cone situation with the calves.  Not in the best proportion, but she manages to work it very well. Great knees, though.

  • That Gidget goes to the Beach hair isn’t helping matters, either.

  • That dress! Holy crap, that is a hideous dress. Though, I will agree with some of the previous comments and say she looks fresh and happy. But damn it all. That dress.

  • momato

    This is a new view of JLo:  body not so perfect but pretty face.  I’ve never thought of her as pretty before, but she looks thatway in these photos.

  • Ew.

  • LinaWina

    “Back to your quarters, Counselor Troi.” THIS. 

  • Sharon Needles she is NOT.

  • crash1212

    I’m sorry. That’s not anybody’s dress. FUGLY. Did she know there was a big old fake jeweled snake making its way up her body and around her neck? And she wore it anyway? Lanvin must be stopped. Perhaps Lanvin and Stella can be put in fashion prison for a few years – just to give us all a break.

  • Maybe I have been out here in Hollywood too long, because I can spot new work from a mile.  Girlfriend has had a little work done around the eyes recently.  

    • cleep1000

      She does look especially “wide-eyed”.

  • ThaliaMenninger

    So how high can shoes go before we just admit we’re asking ladies of fashion to wear stilts and ruin their feet forever?

  • whats with the high-gloss shiny legs? looks like barbie got a coat of polycoat…ugh. 

  • TerryMH

    To me, the whole look is so batsh*t, between the spandex, hideous colors, fake snake, yoga pony tail that I LOVE IT!  For the first time she looks like a real human being, not manufactured by stylists. Real and out of her mind, grant you, but real nonetheless. I even see lines on her forehead (can you believe for a woman in her forties!).  To err is human! So I vote “yes!”

  • PeaceBang

    Styled her hair with an eggbeater, wearing a baffling dress — yea, Jenny just had work done. Eye lift, for sure, and some serious sandblasting of the skin. I’m jealous of it all. I don’t see why she had to Crisco up her legs, though: is she planning to fry them up for dinner? 

  • rainwood1

    Girl, that’s not anybody’s dress.

  • Whose dress is that, anyway? It’s ridiculous, can’t believe it’s Lanvin. She looks gorgeous otherwise.

  • piecesofconfetti

    Putting the horrible fit issues, I can’t get past the ridiculous bejeweled snake. It looks downright silly, even on the size 0 model.

  • egl48


  • TheOtherChristina

    I actually think those colors are great on her. Girlfriend is positively glowing.

    Fuck. I might actually like this. She looks pretty AND batshit! Best of both worlds.

  • portlandmermaid

    what a god awful dress.

  • lesmaha

    This dress makes me think there needs to be a category beyond “Girl, That’s Not Your Dress…”  I mean really–a stuffed SNAKE???

  • aimee_parrott

    One’s styling choices should NEVER include the words “fake snake.” 

  • what the freaking what I can’t its what a snake holy jesus

  • m0r0

    Is that really ANYONE’S dress? PU Stinky

  • StillGary

    PLease Good Sirs …. it’s been sooo long. What, perchance, would Chloe altes’ name be?

  • Anathema_Device

    Oh lord, and the visible Spanx under the hiddy and ill-fitting dress. This goes past No right into Fuck No!

  • turtleemily

    Her head looks fantastic, though!

  • Aurumgirl

    I hate platform shoes because I think they are done to death, but I like the ones she has on.  Jennifer definitely has a thing for snakes. 

  • Is this our ROFL for the day?

  • TieDye64

    Tacky, ugly and unflattering. And why am I able to see her Spanx? Blech.

  • sleah_in_norcal

    reminiscent of bjork’s dress with the dead swan head wrapped around her neck.  yuck!  and why is she all shiny, like greased lightning? the harsh light is making things worse, if possible.

  • She looks like friggin’ Lord Voldemort. She needs to find the Chamber of Secrets and stay there.

  • The colors really doom this dress.  In blues and greens, it might have worked.

  • alyce1213

    Just gross, everything  — the dress, the snake, the visible spanx, the shoes.

  • GIRL.  I see your SPANX.

  • GTrain

    I can’t stand her so I revel in this less than glamorous moment for her. She does look better when she smiles though.

    • Lisa

      I can’t stand her either, so it makes this post all the more DEEELISH!!!

  • elzatelzabelz

    The only bright spot in these photos is that you can see that even J Lo wears Spanx!

  • Singforyoursupper

    I couldn’t stop laughing.

  • RedRaven617


  • Melanie Harrison

    “We’re sensing that this dress looks awful on you and you know it.” Oh thank you for the Deanna Troi reference! HA HA HA! 🙂

  • Lisa

    I’ve mentioned it here before that I can view the site from my work computer, but I can’t post there – that has to wait till I get home.  So I saw this post on my lunch break, and wasn’t able to comment till now.  Can I just tell you – it was worth waiting every-single-SECOND so that I could do this:  “HAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!  OMG, HAAAAAAHHH!!!!  You look like a total jackass, JLo!”

    WHEW!  That felt good!

  • kikisayshi


  • quiltrx

    Bleh. Not her style, and VERY unflattering.

  • SO not her dress!

  • samo_samo

    Girl, that’s not anybody’s dress.

  • bluefish

    Hello, Spanx!  She looks nuts in these.  The mania for greasing one’s legs to this point of oily shine is something I hope will soon die.  It’s just so gross.  She’s got some great legs and those shoes are killer on her but the sliminess is such a turn-off.  That dress is bananas in all the wrong ways. 

  • J MN

    I agree with a few comments already said – she has the best makeup artist & keeps them close by.  She does look dewy and in her young 20’s but upon closer look there’s something weird and a different look going on about her eyes.  She doesn’t look like JLo as much anymore.  At first I didn’t know if she had something done or was just very fulfilled in her life right now with her career still going strong and the younger boyfriend.  Her hairstyle throws me off, it looks messy casual for the occasion yet in fresh way.     

  • Truly_Outrageous

    I completely agree with this post. Besides the dress, what is up with her hair? It looks like she did it herself.

  • tsid2012

    I swear, I just blurted out “Oh girl, fuck NOOOOO!” in the coffee shop when I saw that first pic.  What the hell was she thinking?  I’m not always a fan of hers or her fashion choices but this is truly beyond bad.  And shame on Lanvin for foisting such an ugly dress into the world……

  • mozzer0906

    Definitely a poor choice and I have to say it fills me with some small sort of glee to see JLo wears spanx like the rest of us.  

  • DominoEstella


  • WHOA.

    And not in a good way.

  • fursa_saida

    This is bizarre, like maybe a body double, because she has not done anything THIS wrong in I can’t remember how long now.

  • BigWhiteGrannyPanties


  • I was distracted by her spanx…

  • That’s not anybody’s dress.

  • pottymouth_princess

    Good lord. TMI JLo. I really don’t care to see your Spanx. What’s next, flashbacks to Basic Instinct? 

  • golden_valley

    That’s not anyone’s dress.

  • you can see her spanx when she sits down…. FAIL!!!!

  • Liz

    Her face is looking very youthful, on the plus side.  At 29 I am wishing for that fresh-faced dewey thing.

    • rowsella

       Gallons of Strivectin over the past 10 years might give you that.

  • rowsella

    I really hope no one paid money for that dress.  I think she got dressed (and did her hair) in the dark.  Legs too shiny and I don’t like the shoes either.  The spanx… well, if your spanx is showing, your dress is too short. Edited to add.. I suppose we should all be thankful she wears spanx or anything under her dress, at least she is not commando.