Battleship LA Premiere Red Carpet

Posted on May 11, 2012

Darlings, it was, as the title says, the Los Angeles premiere of that ridiculous Battleship movie. We’re sorry; we saw the trailers for this thing in the theater and it’s essentially: a hyperactive 8-year-old boy, playing in the bathtub, with a 200 million dollar budget. Not something we’re inclined to spend 25 bucks seeing.

So let’s offer bitchy, one-line opinions on their clothes! Okay, two lines. Maybe three.


Brooklyn Decker in Christian Dior

Two things:

A) Enough with the pale blondes in white, stylists, and
B) If you think we hated sheer skirts over minis, just wait until the sheer-skirts-over-ruffled-diaper-covers trend takes off.


Alexander Skarsgard in Tom Ford

Is that a tie or a table runner? Whatever it is, we wish it wasn’t grey. The suit’s a bit snug on him, but since he comes from the Land of the Giants, we suppose we should give him a little leeway. No, fuck that. He can afford tailoring.


Malin Akerman in Cushnie et Ochs

Between the neckline and the shoes, our eyes don’t know where to go. They really don’t go with this dress.


Taylor Kitsch

Was he packed in a case and shipped there? How did his sleeves get that wrinkled?


Rihanna in Adam Selman

We hate the hair and makeup, but at least she’s bringing the glam to a red carpet that sorely needs it.


[Photo Credit: Andrew Evans, David Gabber, Emiley Schweich, Glenn Harris, Izumi Hasegawa, Tina Gill/PR Photos]

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  • So many pretty people dressing so badly..

  • Kristalbailey

    Skrillex hair! 

    • YourBaloneyDontGotNoSecondName

      omg that was harsh!  hahahahaha!

    • JasmineAM

      Rufio did it better!

  • Rihanna. . . bringing glam? More like bringing a badly-tailored tablecloth. Yuck

    • 3boysful

       I was thinking bedsheet.

    • MoHub

       I got a definite Michael Costello vibe.

      • SpillinTea

         I was thinking more Ping Wu…lol

    • I can’t consider visible nipples glam. And she’s so pretty, it’s frustrating how trashy she’s been dressing lately.

    •  Yah, many words other than glam come to mind when I look at her… I’m pretty sure you can almost see her belly button in the last pic.

    • MissMariRose

       Agreed. That whole look smacks of desperation.

    • Qitkat

       If Ri is going to dress like this, she had better hope no one gets too close to her with a pair of scizzors. One snip…

    • i was wondering what was ‘glam’ about that look…all i saw was caesar’s palace call girl.  total yuck.

  • hughman

    I think they got the movie game wrong and thought it was Mystery Date. Unfortunately more duds than dreams here. 

  • TheOriginalLulu

    Alexander Skarsgard, take that ugly tie off right this minute! And while you’re at it, take the rest off too. *dirtyoldlady*

    • XMom

      I agree. He should take all of it off. Although I’m not sure if I could handle it. As it is, I had to scroll back up and look at the tie!

    • Roman000


  • I slightly disagree about Rihanna’s makeup – I think that lip colour is absolutely gorgeous on her. But on every other point you said it, fellas.

    • MilaXX

       But it looks like she has on lipstick and nothing else. Pretty color, but please finish the face. A tiny bit of bronzer on the cheeks and some neutral brown shadow would make her look more balanced and less like the kid who snuck mommy’s lippie out her purse.

      • Good point, compellingly made. But I fucking love a good red lip.

        • MilaXX

          I love a good red lip as well, but a bold lip color needs a complete canvas or it looks half done.

  • Agree, they all need a kick up the bum for what they’re wearing. But just looking at Taylors face makes me not care! 😀

  • That ripped up tablecloth Rhianna is wearing is considered glam? Sure. She’s basically naked with some careful draping.

    • Judy_J

      My thoughts exactly.

  • TheOriginalLulu

    Rihanna is gorgeous and has an insane body. So what’s with the ratty hair? Girl, you can afford to get that shit done right. 

  • ChiliP

    Yikes. A crotch high (lets face it, thigh high is too generous) slit, exposed back, plunging to the bellybutton dress is bringing the glam? Only Rihanna could be judged on such terms.

    • Spicytomato1

      I know. I just can’t with her. She reminds me of a friend who is so consistently inappropriate in her fashion choices that I’ve come to think of her as borderline delusional. It’s like she’s from a different planet, style-wise (Rihanna).

  • Jessi03

    Rihanna stole Angelina’s Oscar posture.

    • 3boysful

       She HAD to!  If her leg wasn’t pulling the skirt over to the side, we’d have a view of the good china!

  • MilaXX

    I cannot understand why ever since Rhianna dyed her hair black, her makeup has started looking like crap. Even with the bad hair and makeup she is the best looking on this runway.

    I have also come to the realization that I have never seen Brooklyn Decker in an outfit I thought looked nice outside of a bathing suit. Wait, I vaguely remember a bright pink Kors, so maybe she looks better in clean, simple styles. Regardless, this white dress looks like balled up tissue paper and needs to be burned.

    Malin is wearing an outfit only Julianne Moore could love. No, boo, just no.

    The guys are both ill fitted and wrinkled. let’s hope they step it up for the next stop on this press junket.

    • BrooklynBomber

      Malin is wearing an outfit only Julianne Moore could love. No, boo, just no.


  • nannypoo

    Rihanna’s dress is totally whorish.

  • All the money for smart action this summer went to The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises, but they still needed to fill the summer blockbuster quota, so Battleship was slapped together with explosion-glue.

    Taylor Kitsch, your face is basically perfect, but when your hair is like this you look terribly bland. Keep it long! We’ll all thank you.

    • “explosion-glue” 

      Today, you win the Internet.

  • Brooklyn Decker: Stripper Bride
    Rihanna: Wet t-shirt contest winner bride.  She hasn’t stripped yet, but I’m sure she will, eventually.

    no good ladies.

    Malin – I thought she was a newly freshened Madonna, actually. 

  • Judy_J

    In addition to Taylor Kitsch’s suit being so wrinkly, his shirt is a size too big.  Note the big gap between his neck and shirt collar.

  • Spicytomato1

    Why is it that I find Brooklyn Decker’s hair to be just wrong for her somehow? I was just scrutinizing it earlier today in a magazine at the hair salon and I had the same reaction. It’s not offensive by any means but I feel like it takes her into soccer mom territory and she is not a soccer mom, not yet anyway. But I’m not sure what style would be better.

    As for her dress, I think it’s the only pretty one among the ones you featured. It really flatters her (enviable) figure. However, I find myself wanting to add a few inches to the non-sheer section to give her some extra coverage.

    • Kayceed

      I was struck by it as well – I think it looks like a college girl’s running-around-campus hair. Air-dried and pinned to the side. Much too casual…

  • out for a walk

    Frankly I prefer that horrible ruffled diaper dress to Rihanna’s callgirl halloween costume. Also her nails freak me out, I only want to see nails like those on Sharon Needles.

  • MK03

    How much do you think they had to pay those people in the Battleship t-shirts to stand there and pretend to be excited?

    • Adriana_Paula

      I wondered the same thing!

  • juliamargaret

    The lace on the Decker dress is horrendous. 

  • BrooklynBomber

    That’s glam? Okay, yes, it’s a fancy dress, but that’s where it begins and ends.
    As for her hair, I immediately thought of the scene in Seinfeld where George is wearing a wig and Elaine snatches it off his head and throws it out the window.

  • i think we’re going to see a lot of males stars in the class of Skarsgard and Kitsch sporting lots and lots of gray suits, especially gray ties, in hopes of subliminally suggesting themselves to the producers casting for 50 Shades of Grey.  If that proves to be true, I hope they do so sans shirt.  Not that it would be a good “look”, but I’d more than stare 😉

    • I have to say, some of the names I’ve seen thrown around for that role have done the impossible and actually interested me in maybe seeing that movie. A lot is still riding on who plays the girl, though.

    • holdmewhileimnaked

      i didnt know what fifty shades of grey was until very very recently. that said, my first & only lasting real impression of it is that its cover, when seen via the side of ones eye, looks very much like that belonging to the original jonathan livingston seagull. [if anyone needs compare & contrast shots, you know, just ask.]

  • YourLibrarian

    Taylor needs eyebrow and facial hair help. I like a good beard, but that beard is unkempt and looks like it was grown by a 15 year-old.

  • WTF is with A. Skars tie? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen in years…

  • VeryClaire

    She brought the glam? How about the skank?

  • Lady stars – when your boob slit is within inches of your crotch slit, your dress has a problem.

  • Pennymac

    Rihanna’s weave is just B A D. Adam Selman is the designer of her, ahem, dress? She appears to be wearing a M. Costello Knock-off, one that’s tackier and cheesier than anything he created on PR!

  • sesomai

    I’m going to sound like my mother here for a second: Rihanna is so pretty when she smiles!

  • Nerd comment: I want to put a skull belt on Rihanna, paint her blue, and make her cosplay Mystique. That would’ve gone better with her red hair though. 

  • 3boysful

    OK, in defense of Malin and/or her stylist, you will note that the shapes in her shoes mimic the shape of her dress’ bustline.  Neither of which I care for, but I suspect that was the thinking.

  • lordandtaylor

    How many time do we have to remind these hollywood types….HANDS OUT OF THE POCKETS!!

  • Underdogg99

    Skarsgard:  The cuffed trousers are an interesting (and too rarely seen) choice, but they need to be long enough to have at least a minor break in them. 
    Also, WHAT is up with the heels on those shoes??? They’ve got to be at least an inch and a half high, and  you do NOT need the extra height.

  • MzzPants

    The fit on Skarsgard is perfect for those of us wishing a glimpse of giant, steaming man-thigh.  And you really can’t argue with that hem.  Also….Shouldn’t a guy whose last name is ‘Kitsch’ only be in comedies?  Maybe only Mel Brookes movies?

  • Malin’s shoes are awesome, even if they don’t go with the dress.

  • AudreysMom

    Taylor Kitsch you have nothing to smile about. You look awful on this red carpet, your clothes are bad and your hair even worse. Plus you starred in the biggest flop of the new millenium (so much for your attempt to make it beyond FNL – which I loved you in BTW). So, just wipe that smile off your face, let your hair grow out, get a new stylist and don’t believe everything the Disney people tell you

  • Is Glam the new drug kids are using these days? Because I know you didn’t mean “Fabulousness”.

  • I love the woman shouting behind Ri-Ri in the last pic, “Hey Girl, you look messed up!”

  • BeeBeauNYC

    These people are not dressed for success.

  • Rihanna’s dress SHOULD be hideous and ridiculous, and yet…I don’t know, guys. She’s just so fierce and hot and she’s got so much confidence and I’m so glad her hair is dark again and…I don’t know, she’s blinding me or something.

    Malin’s dress is hideous. A. Skars’ tie is insane, and yet he usually dresses so well. Sigh.

    And WHAT THE FUCK, Tim Riggins? What is with the wrinkled suit? What is with the terrible haircut? What is with the incredibly unflattering facial hair? LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES.

  • Lina_bee

    This is so ho-hum as to be laughable. I’m guessing the movie’s so bad they only showed up out of contractual obligations? *amused*

  • Rebecca Johnson

    Brooklyn Decker looks ready to burst into an interpretive dance about overactive bladders. 

  • Is that a tie or a table runner? – lol 

  • lonepear

    Brooklyn Decker’s dress looks like a polyester nightgown I got from Kmart when I was 8 because I loved to swish around in the skirt and pretend it was a real gown. Someone needs to tell her that thing is only for playing dress-up.

  • Sam

    I honestly thought this movie already opened and flopped. Either I traveled backwards in time, or I’ve been so over saturated with this film I’m wishing for the worst.

  • foggywood

    Rihanna is so high in those pictures…at least she’s not rolling a joint on her bodyguard’s head!

  • Forget Taylor Kitsch’s wrinkled sleeves, look at his wrinkled crotch!

  • guest2visits

    I want to like Rihanna’s dress but I’m thinking, – sadly, it’s just too cheap. The material seems super flimsy along with the
    barely covered style of it. And the color is just too ‘hotel bed sheet’.  I like the hair and make-up on her though.
    Brooklyn’s is fine except… nope.  I hate the see through bottoms.
    Malin is glowing and looking good except for some dress wrinkles.  I think I hate the shoes.

  • Rihanna looks like she passed out at a party and her friends wrote all over her in Sharpie.

  • allisankelly

    Rihanna looks stoned out of her gourd. They all look slightly off.

  • With short hair Taylor Kitsch looks a hell of a lot like Wil Wheaton

  • rihanna always has a glazed look in her eyes. 
    i like her dress.
    i don’t like her in it.

  • Qitkat

    That is such a strange top on Malin Ackerman’s dress that it reminds me of a bad tattoo.

  • Qitkat

    That is such a strange top on Malin Ackerman’s dress that it reminds me of a bad tattoo.

  • Warmheartedgirl Seattle

    First what looks like a wedding dress, then a weird and ugly dress and downright fugly shoes.  Then two guys whose suits don’t fit.  Then Rihanna, with a smoking hot body but weird hair.  Does stupid movie = crazy red carpet?

  • discordany

    I really don’t understand how you can ever critique Alexander Skarsgard. Whenever I see a picture of him on here, I forget I’m looking at the clothes, and my mind blankly goes “Oooh soooo hotttttt”. That’s about as coherent as I get. Props to you for being able to concentrate long enough to tell me that his clothes aren’t great – I still wouldn’t be able to tell you that 😉

  • Rand Ortega

    RiRi is smokin’ hot. The dress is simply there to highlight what’s underneath.
    Ok, Hollywood, if you insist on all of these remakes, how about “Cleopatra Jones” w/ Rihanna?

  • Corsetmaker

    Ah, so Rihanna forgot her frock and the stylist rustled something up from a sheet, some double sided tape and a few safety pins! What a handy person to have around in a crises.

  • Melissa Brogan

    Ugh, meh, ugh, meh, meh in that order.

  • alyce1213

    This is what Rihanna decided to look like for her movie premiere?  Ucch.
    Glam?  Really — that skanky rag???

  • brooklyn:  where’s the wedding?  too bad you forget your slip and your shoes so you have to stand on your toes and pretend you’re wearing heels.  she walked through a hurricane to get here.

    alexander:  hello darling.  take off all those grey clothes and you’ll feel better.  me too.

    malin.  black black black.  diablita shoes.

    taylor:  two words:  ho and hum.

    rihanna: fuck all y’all bitches, I AM HERE.  if one of my tits doesn’t fall out, you might get lucky and i’ll flash my cooch. 

  • Susan Crawford

    One of the all-time worst red carpet turn-outs I’ve ever seen. Just dreadful.

  • bitchybitchybitchy

    At least Rihanna is giving off a bit of glam on this RC.  That is one fugly Dior on Brooklyn Decker…

  • ASkars looks more and more like his day every day.

    Still strange to see Riggins without his locks.

  • marilyn

    Brooklyn:  Dress looks like lingerie. Both guys:  If you have to wear a jacket too tight, don’t button it.  Is this the new style for guys, or are you all just getting beer bellies?  Malin:  Too young for that dress.  Rhianna:  That look was sexy in the 80’s, and is tired now.  Give it a rest. 

  • ashpo17

    I love that Alexander Skarsgard is signing True Blood DVDs and memorabilia at a Battleship event…

    •  And the happiest he looks the whole time is when Kristin Bauer von Straten (Pam) shows up – he smiles and gives her a big hug and kiss.  Otherwise, yeah, he’s blue-steeling for the cameras and signing True Blood stuff.

  • Roman000

    Damn Alex that’s a big ass tie!