Brooklyn Decker in Femme D’armes

Posted on April 06, 2012

Dear Brooklyn Decker,


Brooklyn Decker attends the premiere of “Battleship” in South Korea in a Femme D’armes dress.

Femme D’armes Spring 2012 Collection


Congratulations. You are an early contender for The Least Flattering Dress of 2012. We are especially enamored by its ability to make you look at least 3 sizes larger from the back than you do from the front. The way the back is cut out like a gaping maw combined with the giant ass pad make you look like a brick from behind, while in front, the faux bra and cooch pad give the impression that you are … well, blind, really.

A design marvel, no doubt.

We will keep you apprised of future developments on your ranking. As you know, there are many more months and many more opportunities for ladystars to wear unflattering dresses. For now, take comfort that you are in the lead.


T Lo

P.S. For the sake of your dignity, please get back in your limo and go home.


[Photo Credit: Getty,]

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  • Sweeney Agonistes

    She is from Transsexual, Transylvania!

    • Judih1


  • random_poster

    Least Flattering Dress indeed!  And what’s that pink ribbon-like thing in her hair?  It makes me think she lost a Silly String fight.

  • Carleenml


  • fnarf

    [In Crocodile Dundee voice]: “those aren’t grandma panties; THESE are grandma panties”.

  • nannypoo

    Just crown her now. I can’t imagine that anyone can top this.

    • VioletFem

      Oh just you wait. She’s a contender for sure, but there will be others. 

      • giiiirrrr

         Agreed!  I think the black lace is innocuous enough that someone wearing a garish color will take the crown.  Time will tell…

    • MilaXX

      As long as Chloe has personas there’s always a way to top this.

      • lovelyivy

         Yes but i’m convinced that Chloe is trolling us. Can it really win when she does it on purpose?

      • nannypoo

        The difference between her and Chloe is that Chloe is messing with us. This woman looked in the mirror and said “Yep, looking good. I’m going out.”

        • MilaXX

          I don’t think Chloe is messing with us. I think she thinks she’s doing Fashion.

  • Sobaika Mirza

    I didn’t think this girl’s body and ‘unflattering’ didn’t mix. Guess I was wrong.

  • BrooklynBomber

    I’m completely humiliated on behalf my borough.

    • sarahofalessergod

      I’m relieved there’s no Manhattan Decker to represent my part of the city…

      • TonyGo

        She looks more like a So Ho in this tragic dress.

        • alyce1213

          Good one TonyGo!

      • BrooklynBomber

        Have pity.

  • Laurie Bergman

    When the swath of granny panty is bigger than the swath of bare back, the answer is a heartfelt, “Please go home and try again.”

  • Carrielou

    And she is truly lovely with a great figure.  How hard can it be to find something flattering, or at least inoffensive, to wear?

  • Did you mean to sign this with a fondle?  Or did you mean “Fondly” ….. ????  I hope you meant the latter.  

    • Monabel

      TLo don’t make errors. You know this.

    • RebeccaKW

      T Lo signs all their letters ‘Fondle.’  A bit cheeky, aren’t they?

      • I don’t know why I haven’t noticed that before.  I’ve only been reading this blog since the very beginning, when our mutual love of Laura Bennett got the whole thing started.  

        • RebeccaKW

           I think it did actually start as a typo, if I’m remembering correctly.  Like they typed fondle on accident, then liked it and left it.

  • DominoEstella


  • It’s granny panty and apron all in one! With extra pullover see-through dress for extra protection!

  • Snailstsichr

    I didn’t think anything could be worse than the front view until I saw the rear. Love handles AND a droopy behind. Oh, the sadness!

  • mountainFashionista

    I’m confused — why/how can it look so good on the model?

    • RebeccaKW

       I don’t know that I agree that it looks good on the model.  Better, maybe.  I think a big part of it is that the model is tiny tiny and Brooklyn, while tiny, is also athletic.  She has a bit broader shoulders, more muscle on her body.  I think there was a story in Glamour, where she talked about being a bit larger than normal model size, but it was b/c of her athletic build.

      Plus, we can’t see the model’s backside to see how terrible it may look from that view on her.

    • MilaXX

       I thnk it looks just as fug on the model.

  • Oh no! 

  • It almost looks like she is wearing one of those fake tummies that you use at the maternity store before you’re showing. Surely the Mama Kittens know what I mean.

  • formerlyAnon

    You see, ladies [in the public eye]? THIS is why only the rare, the few, the gifted should be wearing lacy, chiffon, or otherwise transparent clothing over what appears to be underwear. And even then, they’d better be equipped with stylists or friends with a stern critical eye and a supernatural skill at grokking how something will photograph.

    Because if the slim and well-proportioned Ms. Decker managed to look this bad, well, what do you think the  average among you are going to look like?

    • Kayceed

      A cautionary tale, indeed.

    • l3icest3r

      Agree. The dress is horrible — it would only look okay on a few people. She’s so thin that you can see her backbone, but her butt looks wide and flat. Brooklyn Decker has a bangin’ bod so a dress that makes her look this bad should be burned and its ashes scattered to the four winds. 

  • Lilak

    I could see her appeal early on, I guess (tall all-American girl w/ a nice shape, etc etc), but what the heck has happened?
    Boy oh boy, has she ever lost her lustre:  listless hair, sharpish and kind of washed-out everywhere else.All exacerbated by really poor styling lately, from head to toe.

  • donnaINseattle

    Wait a minute . . . isn’t this from Daniel Franco’s lingerie collection from Season 2 of Project Runway?

  • MilaXX

    UGLY dress. Burn, bury it, bury the shovel.

  • TieDye64

    Lace and granny panties? Are you kidding? Making her body look this bad is quite a feat.

    • judybrowni

      Granny panties would be an improvement.

      • TieDye64

        Oh, I see you’re right. I didn’t realize that was some sort of panel in the dress? Ack! My eyes can’t take anymore. 

      • JuliaInBlack

        Granny panties WOULD be an improvement (and I can’t believe I just typed that.) These look like a Goth version of adult diapers.

  • Also? The pink hair streaks. What, is she 12?

    And why do you want to fondle her, T-Lo? (Did you mean “fondly”?)

  • joe_tey83


  • guest2visits

    You said it all; and you said it best.

  • I totally soap opera gasped just now.

    For a second, I thought it was merely in poor taste and wondered who told her to steal Rihanna’s ill fitting gown.  Then I realized someone stuffed a refrigerator down the back of her dress and simply died.

    Dear lord child, no.

    • holdmewhileimnaked

      in the refrigerator, they died in the refrigerator. the one stuffed into the back of her dress. i can see this. it’s visible. [laughing]

  • Dear God in Heaven, make it stop!!!!!!!

  • Bless.

  • LJoRey

    Never turn your back to the camera especially when you’re standing next to a poster that says “battleship” even if it is in Korean.

  • uprightcitizen

    Please, crazy lady … sign my uniform hat! Sign my copy of “Men’s Health”! That is one ugly dress, for sure. It almost looks like it was just a cheap lace dress that the network censors had a go at.

    • holdmewhileimnaked

      this, btw, made me literally LOL. twice. three times. we have a winner!

  • This made me scrunch my face up.

  • SignLadyB

    Did no one see fit to comment on the grins of the Korean (military) men in the background. I think they think they were really seeing SOMETHING.

    • holdmewhileimnaked

      yes & it was old man’s pants butt bag [as above {or below, depending on how you sort yr sort}].

      • Lisa

        Yeah, and I think they were cracking up laughing!

  • holdmewhileimnaked

    it’s the way the back makes her look like she’s wearing a diaper under her old man’s pants butt bagging.
    the front is ghastly but truly, clearly she has no rear view mirror. cos, you know, if she had she would understand that the objects in it are way way smaller than the enormities which they appear.

  • kimmeister

    Femme D’armes?  If I were a woman of arms, I’d blast this dress to smithereens.

  • Akh621

    from the ad campaign for the new: Depends, red carpet solutions

  • Sweetvegan

    OMG, LOL! Look at all those naval officers trying to look down the back of her dress in the last photo!

  • Terri Smith

    Anyone else think those heels are fierce as shit?

  • Lisa

    Yikes!  That dress puts the “Fug” in “Fugly”!

  • poggi

    If i looked in the mirror and saw this, I would either stay home or take off those black Depends.  Granted the result might be pornographic but at least it wouldn’t look like this.

  • Wow. You really can’t un-see that, can you? 

  • Cut her a little slack, guys: the one back picture is of her reaching forward to sign autographs, which pulls the dress forward (hence the ‘gaping maw’ of a cut-out). Still, it’s a little too high-waisted and awkward.

  • Derek_anny

    A word for our starlets:  Invest in a bodysuit or unitard that matches your skin tone.  It can double as undergarment and lining at the same time.  Particularly useful for those runway outfits that leave nothing to the imagination.

  • lifetime_student

    I had no idea Depends came in black.

  • prettybigkitty

    Rihanna’s bad fashion choices must be contagious.

  • rowsella

    I’m trying to remember when they stopped wearing nude colored thongs and braless (Cher….etc.) and started wearing 1940’s two piece bathing suits under shear /lace dresses. 

    Fug to the grannies.

  • Sophie Collier

    Oh my god, that is hideous.  HIDEOUS!  It’s like the bathtub lady from The Shining.  And WTF is with her hair in back? I can’t even.

  • She looks cheap.

  • Call me Bee

    Well she’s certainly giving those Korean boys something to look at…

  • Between you and the Fug Girls I die laughing at Ms. Decker. 

  • That’s dress is definitively a contender for the Least Flattering.

  • ballerinawithagun

    Giant Ass Pad! Love you two.

  • CPK1

    Are these drop-crotch granny panties? I must have looked at this dress 10 times and I cannot figure out what the hell is going on under there

  • Maggie Muellner

    Loin cloth and red carpet dress should never have to be used in the same sentence.

  • Susan Crawford

    Lace over a black Depends undergarment. NOT a good look, Diana. Just NOT.

  •  Nine-tenths of wisdom consists in being wise in time.

  • turtleemily

    I had know idea who she was and had to go on Google to see why she’s all over the place all of a sudden…only for Wikipedia to say she was born in ’87. So she’s 2 years younger than me but looks 10 years older than she actually is. O.o Maybe it’s the high-waisted granny panties?

  • HobbitGirl

    Ugh. It looks like she’s wearing really gussied-up Depends.

  • LambeeBaby

    Whatthehell? Is she really disillusioned or trying to make a worst dressed list? Return it to the nursing home resident whose Depends and tablecloth you stole.

  • P M

    My eyes! Have mercy!

  • P M

    My eyes! Have mercy!

  • Vanessak69

    Wow, it’s only April and I think we have a winner.

    Black lace cannot make just anything look sexy. Case in point. 

  • TheOriginalLulu

    Wow, you’re not kidding, that thing is ULTRA unflattering from the back.

  • BigWhiteGrannyPanties

    I think I can speak about big old panties. These are truly amazingly large big black granny panties.  And they do not belong beneath a black lace tablecloth.  

  • bitterk