RPDR: Upchuck and Kai Kai

Posted on March 20, 2012

We think we speak on behalf of all America when we say…

WHAT

THE FUCK

JUST HAPPENED?!?!?

 

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

*tinkly flashback music with accompanying wavy screen effects*

It all started quite innocently. Or at least, as innocently as things get with a gaggle of drag queens.

We couldn’t stop laughing throughout this whole bit. One of the very best things about RPDR is the show’s gleeful transparency. It knows exactly what it is and doesn’t have any pretensions about it. If people tune in to reality competitions to see drama (and they do), then by God, RuPaul is going to do everything in her power to stir up some shit, even if it means strapping her girls into a lie detector and forcing them to say things about their competitors that’ll bite them in the ass.

Sometimes we think shows like Project Runway would be easier to take if they just dropped the conceit that it’s about talent or design and just made everyone in the workroom mud wrestle or something. Sure, you wouldn’t find the next great fashion designer, but the sight of Tim Gunn trying to control a room full of attention whores looking to gouge each other’s eyes out would shoot the ratings through the roof.

Of course we didn’t believe for one second that the teams were chosen based on their lie detector results. We’re not even sure if we believe there even was a lie detector. No, these pairings were chosen for maximum drama. The most experienced queen was paired with the least experienced; two queens who hate each other were paired; and the two queens whose styles and physicality couldn’t be more opposite were put together.

And it’s always hilarious to watch people with absolutely no song or dance skills forced to sing and dance.

Serving up Geisha realness. This may be one of our favorite Ru looks.

And how funny was it that they brought in these two ladies – who are as famous for their boobs as they are for their career – to judge a duet challenge? Pammy looked a little medicated, though. Then again, when has she ever not looked medicated?

Clear and obvious winners. And the editing made it seems like a great deal of that had to do with Willam. He can sing, he’s got the creative chops to put together a routine, and they both admitted that he pushed Latrice out of her comfort zone by dressing her up all sexy. The bits were funny and the singing wasn’t bad, but again, that mostly came down to Willam. They were the most polished of the group.

The judges said that these two didn’t bring it enough but if anything, they sounded too aggressive to us; like they were firing the lyrics at each other rather than singing. And for all PhiPhi’s talk about Party City when it comes to Sharon, that halo she was sporting was tragic. The judges all praised Sharon for looking more conventionally attractive, but if ever there was a time to do the goth thing, this would have been it. She looked and acted like a queen being forced into something she didn’t want to do.

And PhiPhi’s a high-strung, loud-mouthed bitch. Whatever was going on behind the scenes, even the other queens agreed that she needed to unclench a little. That is one angry, jealous little queen.

To be honest, we think we would have put these two in the bottom. The bits weren’t that funny and they took forever to make it down the catwalk to the end of the stage. More than half the routine was performed all the way at the back. Chad was okay in terms of performance (although his voice is hilariously bad), but Dida was a nervous wreck and it showed. Still, this was probably the prettiest she ever looked. Her makeup skills are improving.

So congrats to Latrice and Willam. Absolutely no arguments here.

And maybe our biases were getting the better of us, but if it had been up to us, Phi Phi would have gone home. To us, if you’re going to lip synch, then you have to engage the audience. We can’t stand when these queens tear around that stage like a chihuahua on meth. Ru needs to outlaw the wig-pull and the split.

But then the most shocking thing to ever happen, happened. And for once, a reality show pulled through and really gave us a shocking moment. We have no frigging idea what this is all about. The puking was real and not some sort of play for attention like the crying jag was a couple of weeks ago. Something really is up here. We felt a little bad for Willam because with this episode it seemed like he realized constantly being in character wasn’t helping him in the competition as much as he’d hoped. All the other queens have turned on him and even the judges were getting annoyed with the robotic consistency.

Speculation is inevitable and like many, the first thing that came to mind was some sort of substance abuse issue, but that really doesn’t explain why Chad said Willam was doing things that were going to get all of them in trouble. And besides if he’d been doing something illegal and the other queens knew it, don’t you think Phi Phi would’ve ratted him out a long time ago? Whatever it is, it’s probably some violation of the heretofore unmentioned rules of the competition. The RPDR equivalent of stashing design books under your bed. We think it’s pretty shitty of the show to make us all wait until the reunion to find out what it’s all about.

Come out, come out, wherever you are, Willam. You’ve been known to show up in our comments section to throw some shade at the Bitter Kittens, so let’s hear it. At least give us a little hint. If you don’t, we’re going to spread rumors that you were part of a baby-trafficking ring, or worked as a mule for a drug cartel, or worst of all, that you’re a biological woman.

 

[Screencaps: tomandlorenzo.com]

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