Fashion Star: Lights, Camera, Explosions!

Posted on March 14, 2012

We think we speak on behalf of America when we say…

 

WHAT THE FUCK DID WE JUST WATCH?

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SET?

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE?

And perhaps most importantly of all…

WHY THE FUCK DID THEY PLAY “AMERICAN WOMAN” WHEN THE AUSTRALIAN WALKED OUT?

Mary, Mother of Pearl, just look at that set. Your average Rolling Stones stadium concert has less expensive sets than that. And the fucker was HUGE. You could have landed an airplane on that runway if it weren’t for all the explosions and dry ice obscuring the pilot’s vision.

It really was the oddest experience watching this thing. Any fashion reality TV competition is going to get compared to Project Runway, just like any singing competition is going to get compared to American Idol. But this was like watching Project Runway while having a seizure. Fireworks, smoke, REALLY LOUD music, rapid cuts and shrieking crowds. It was about as far away from the fashion world as one could possibly get while still being a fashion competition. It was hilarious, but we’re not sure yet whether that’s a good thing or not. Sure, we were entertained, but it’s kind of hard not to be entertained when there’s so much spectacle on display. We’re not sure we can put up with that kind of meth-induced insanity on a weekly basis, though.

The strangest thing about it was its stubborn refusal to explain what the hell was going on. Literally 3 minutes into the broadcast, we were watching pieces walk the runway, with no idea of who made them or what the goals were, let alone how the judging worked. AN HOUR into the broadcast and we were still struggling to figure it out (while simultaneously fielding a hundred tweets and messages asking us if we knew what the hell was going on – and some of them were from fashion insiders). Nine seasons into Project Runway, Heidi was still explaining the format of the show every episode. Would it have been so hard for Elle to introduce the concept to the audience? Or was there not enough time what with her lingerie line advertisement opening the show?

Which brings us to our next complaint: this was too commercial. And by that we mean, this show IS a commercial. For Macy’s, Saks, and H&M, but also apparently for Nicole and Jessica, since they both appeared in sponsor commercials during the break. There’s a part of us that really likes the idea of taking fashion competitions away from runway shows and putting the focus on the more commercial aspects of the industry, but this was gross.

And what the hell are the mentors there for, anyway? Apparently, it’s the buyers who make all the decisions. The mentors’ only role is to offer hilariously useless critiques and save one person from elimination each week. You needed THREE people for that role? And why do we see so little of the actual mentoring in the workroom? Why do we see so little of the workroom, period? Is there a challenge each week or are the designers just on their own? And what’s the point in a designer showing their wares to a buyer when that same buyer turned them down the previous episode? What’s the likelihood that they’re going to change their minds?

Obnoxious Aussie misogynist went home, and that’s to be expected when you’re a struggling fashion designer who thinks he can condescend to women in one of the few industries where they reign supreme. We actually liked his jackets, but that was so frigging stupid he deserved to be sent packing.

As for the rest of the designers, they’re a total blur. We remember not one name, nor can we really remember who made what. In fact, we really can’t remember the clothes at all because they go by so quickly and get lost in all the flash, but in case you’re interested, these are the ones that were bought and which are now on sale at their respective retailers.

Edmond’s Black Sleeveless Halter Dress, available at Macy’s

Edmond’s White Sleeveless Halter Dress, available at Macy’s

Nikki’s Geo-Print Kimono-Sleeved Maxi Caftan, available at Macy’s

Nikki’s White Eyelet Kimono-Sleeve Maxi Caftan, available at Macy’s

Lizzie’s Black Asymmetrical Jersey Tunic, available at Macy’s

Lizzie’s Plum Asymmetrical Jersey Tunic, available at Macy’s

Orly’s Black Zipper Mini Skirt, available at Saks Fifth Avenue

Sarah’s Turquoise Amy Dress, available at H&M

Sarah’s Black Amy Dress, available at H&M

Nzimiro’s Blue Mark Jacket, available at H&M

You’re nuts if you think we’re critiquing all these bland department store clothes. They’re all mostly fine, but it’s a pretty safe bet you’re never really going to see anything interesting walk that runway.

And that zipper skirt was stupid.

We’ll continue watching, but we make no guarantees about weekly blogging. We’re not sure our hearts can take it. It took us hours to fall asleep last night after watching this. If they manage to tweak the format and let us get to know the designers and watch them work (instead of giving us glossy, packaged, 3-minute flashbacks) this might be bloggable, but as it is, it’s such a mess that we’re not sure what we’d have to say about it week after week.

 

[Photo Credit: nbc.com, macys.com, saksfifthavenue.com, hm.com]

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