It’s Vanity Fair’s Hollywood issue, darlings! THE media event of the year! This week! And everyone is thin, conventionally pretty, and SATINY! There’s more satin on this cover than in Kmart’s bedding section.
Vanity Fair Hollywood 2012 issue photographed by Mario Testino featuring from Rooney Mara, Mia Wasikowska, Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Chastain, Elizabeth Olsen, Adepero Oduye, Shailene Woodley, Paula Patton, Felicity Jones, Lily Collins, and Brit Marling.
We, for our parts, have opinions.
Rooney Mara in Ralph Lauren, Mia Wasikowska in Ralph Lauren, Jennifer Lawrence in custom Donna Karan and Jessica Chastain in Giorgio Armani.
This is the front cover, and thus all the ladies in this section don’t really look all that much like they do in real life. That’s the price of a cover spot, darlings. You’re on your way to becoming a household name, but for the rest of your life, people will be disappointed when they meet you and find out you have pores.
Rooney is giving SERIOUS. FUCKING. FACE. And speaking of faces, Mia’s has been secretly replaced and this one has flavor crystals. Let’s see if anyone notices! And we’re ready to say it: Jessica Chastain just doesn’t take a good picture. She’s much prettier in the movies. Jennifer Lawrence looks stunning, but we’re not entirely convinced that’s not a life-sized cardboard cutout of her.
Ralph Lauren Spring 2012 Collection
Elizabeth Olsen in Salvatore Ferragamo, Adepero Oduye in Carolina Herrera and Shailene Woodley in Ralph Lauren.
This is the section for girls with spinal problems.
Shailene! Look what happens when someone puts makeup on your face! Take notes! Adepero’s dress is stunning. Elizabeth looks like a decoration in a drag queen’s bathroom.
Carolina Herrera Spring 2012 Collection, Salvatore Ferragamo Resort 2012 Collection, Ralph Lauren Spring 2012 Collection.
Paula Patton in L’Wren Scott, Felicity Jones in Burberry, Lily Collins in Calvin Klein and Brit Marling in Tommy Hilfiger.
Oh, Paula. You should sue over the Princess Leia buns. Actually, this whole section should have a sign over it that reads “Poorly Styled Girls.” That may be the worst we’ve seen Lily Collins look. Is every dark-haired, light-skinned, big-eyed actress going to be done up in Liz drag for the next couple of years?
L’Wren Scott Spring 2012 Collection, Calvin Klein Spring 2012 Collection.