RuPaul’s Drag Race: Cock ‘n Bull Story

Posted on February 28, 2012

Who, darlings? Who are the viciously hilarious queens who come up with challenges like “Pin a cock on Ru’s mouth?” Because we would like to shake their hands. We like to occasionally pretend that we’re funny queens, but this crew is operating on a whole different level. We salute you, queens.

Man, those briefs are ugly. Man, do we not care.

And a wigstacle course! Complete with egg-tucking! People just don’t get it: This is easily one of the most subversive hours of television today; possibly top of that list. As cheesy and campy as it is, these old broads are really doing the heavy work of bringing the most fun parts of gay subculture into American living rooms. We can’t not love the show for that.

“Snatch Game” is everyone’s favorite challenge and we were thrilled to have it back. There’s been some talk amongst the viewers that this collection of queens can’t hold a candle to previous seasons. That may be true in terms of glamour (there’s a high percentage of busted queens even at this point in the competition) and while there are some questionable performers, there are several gals here at the top of their game and we were anxious to see how they’d stack up to prior years.

Oh, and while we love Loretta Devine and occasionally love Ross Matthews, they were kind of disappointing during the game. They were fine as judges (Loretta especially), but flat during the sketch. Actually, Loretta was kind of hilarious about it in a “What the fuck am I looking at here?” kind of way.

Anyway, let’s discuss how the ladies did.

FUCKING HILARIOUS. We don’t think Ru was forcing it; he was generally cracking the hell up over this impersonation and rightly so. This was a risky choice and it could have very easily turned nasty, but he skated that razor’s edge and turned out something that was genuinely funny.

He’s also totally unrecognizable. He’s got amazing transformation skills.

Weird and uncomfortable. It’s time for this one to go. We don’t get her at all. We did laugh out loud at Ross saying her twitchy, spastic version was “Diana Ross at 4:30 in the morning.”

We’re having some problems with Willam. Like we said in an earlier writeup, he’s essentially in character non-stop (something he confirmed in the comments section). It can be a funny character and god knows, he’s got her down right to the blinking, but it makes him hard to take in the long term and he winds up saying things that don’t sound all that funny in the context of a competition, like that teary speech on the catwalk about sending girls home “so I can win.” That line would be hilarious in a spoof of beauty pageants or something like that, but there’s real money on the line and that’s kind of a nasty thing to say when you’re all competing for it.

The other thing that bothers us about the whole nonstop in-character thing is that when he gets a chance to do someone like Jessica Simpson – and he’s as tailor-made for J Simp drag as Chad is for Cher drag – it doesn’t really feel any different from the way he acts all the time. This should have been a knockout, and while it was funny, it never reached the energy level we were hoping for.

We loves us some Latrice, but there was nothing here that said “Aretha” except “fat black queen, eating.” ReRe’s got a pretty distinctive rasp and cadence to her speaking voice and we would have liked it if Latrice made even the slightest effort to sound like her.  Also, the makeup looked a little freaky.

Lazy and unprofessional. We didn’t blame Latrice and Chad for reading her and the others one bit.

All talk. The bitch couldn’t bring it if you poured it into a bucket for her.

We thought this could have been funny, but it fell totally flat.

We are SO EMBARRASSINGLY HAPPY that the judges – Ru herself, even – finally said what we’ve been thinking for a while: her drag is weird and makes us a little uncomfortable. We thought there was something wrong with us for thinking it, but could there be any doubt after this bizarre performance? You can grind your hips and snap your fingers all you want; it’s not a substitute for real talent and charisma.

Even with all the buildup, not to mention the fact that he already looks like her out of drag, we were STUNNED by this one. That’s one of the best Chers we’ve ever seen.

Poise.

Beauty.

Big fucking sunflowers.

We liked-but-not-loved this look. It’s declarative, that’s for sure – and that puts her ahead of lazy queens like Jiggly, who just put on a dress for the catwalk each week. Chad always puts together a look that also serves as a character. We’re glad she got the win because no one even came close in the Snatch Game sketch. Although Sharon really gave her a run for the money by throwing a curveball.

Thank god. Now we won’t have to feel like we’re watching child porn every time she gyrates and licks her way down the catwalk.

Not that the LSFYL was anything but extremely close – or at least, that’s how we read it. Milan’s got about 30 seconds left in this competiton, unless Phi Phi manages to fuck it up first.

[Screencaps: tomandlorenzo.com]

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