So, in light of this insane episode, we must ask the question that’s begging to be asked, even if no one else is asking it. Namely, Which Evil Soap Opera CrazyGay would win in a cagematch, Tyler or Downton Abbey’s scheming Thomas?
Think about this one, now. Tyler’s more openly homo-cidal and quite a bit more unpredictable than Thomas, but the Downton footman survived a couple of years in the trenches of World War I AND didn’t get institutionalized or killed on a beach. Clear winner: Thomas. On the other hand, Cora would be a smear on the mat about 30 seconds after getting into a cage with Victoria, so there’s that. And we’re not entirely sure what the outcome would be if Ashley faced off against O’Brien.
You’ll have to forgive us. When we got home from Fashion Week, we watched a ton of shows all at once that our DVR thoughtfully recorded for us, and everything’s tending to blend together. Plus, we’re super-excited that our theory last week about Tyler being the one who broke into the Batcave turned out to be true! Especially since we totally pulled that one out of our asses and were half-convinced that it was Ashley. And besides, much as we love the Dowager Countess and her family, nothing can compare to a CrazyGay and PsychoStripper facing off on a Hamptons beach. No melodrama can compete with the high camp factor of Victoria Grayson running in slow motion on a beach in a red gown and whispering “Don’t say a word” to her suddenly amnesiac dullard of a son. Top THAT, Lady Mary. Your dead Turkish lover seems quaint now in light of Revenge’s dead CrazyGay in a tux.
We’re gonna miss that nutty little ginger power bottom; aren’t you? Were you pissed about the fakeout? Because we admit, we had to watch this episode a second time just to get a handle on all the events. We couldn’t understand why we saw Daniel collapse on the beach in the opening and we’re still not entirely sure what happened there. Obviously, we’re supposed to think Fauxmanda pulled the trigger on Tyler, but we’re not sure that’s what happened. There were, in classic soap opera and murder mystery fashion, a lot of people on that beach, but we suspect someone was there we don’t know about yet. It seems that almost everyone at the party was accounted for when the shots were fired, but Emily’s Revenge Sensei certainly seemed to be flitting from place to place with impressive speed and discretion.
And what is that guy’s deal, anyway? Is Fauxmanda in danger because she got into the car with him at the end or is he going to protect her and help her get away? If he’s as cold-hearted as he comes across, then there’s no way Fauxmanda’s getting out of that car alive, since she’s such a loose cannon. With sparklers attached to it. We once said this about Kate on Lost but it applies equally as well to her: The girl can’t walk out of a room without setting it on fire.
In other Grayson family news, William Devane as the Joe Kennedy-like Papa Grayson is deliciously evil and far more dangerous than anyone else we’ve met so far. Plus he’s serving up classic night-time soap realness. The man’s got a pedigree. Also, Daniel is a big pussy who changes his life plans every ten seconds, depending on whether he trusts his mother or loves his fiancee. We’re almost disappointed he’s not dead. Amnesia can only be an improvement for this mouthbreather, cute though he may be. Charlotte needs to realize that she’s not actually a Grayson, which could make her quite dangerous to the family should she set her mind to it (and Just Say No to Drugs). Also, the divorce papers have been filed and it’s looking like Victoria’s got some anti-Conrad testifying on her mind. And she and Emily now pretty much openly express their emnity toward each other. With each snipe, we see Victoria becoming just a bit more impressed by her potential daughter-in-law. She framed it like a warning to her son, but to have her admit that Emily’s quite a bit like her is actually the highest praise Victoria could ever give anyone.
And speaking of mouthbreathing dullards who let their dicks make all their decisions for them, Jack decides to flee the country and become a saint in light of his heart being broken by a Psycho Stripper. But wait! Psycho Stripper shows up at the last second and bleeds all over his plans! Leading Jack directly into a murder scene! Sorry, Haitian orphans! You’re on your own!
Now, the big question is, does mouthbreathing dullard Daniel really have amnesia? It’s a bit too convenient after Tyler revealed all of Emily’s secrets, don’t you think? Also, just what can we expect Hamptons Batman to do next? Is this all part of her plan? How exactly is Revenge Sensei involved in all this? And of course, if Fauxmanda didn’t kill Tyler and Daniel didn’t kill Tyler, Who the hell killed Tyler?
GOD, we love this show.
[Photo Credit: ABC]