Victoria’s Secret Extravaganza Part 2

Posted on November 10, 2011

Second verse, same as the first, y’all. Hit it, drag queens!

We can’t tell if she’s supposed to be the Goddess of Bathrooms or the Patron Saint of Upskirts.

Oh, Grandma. You and your doilies and cameos and black satin panties. You always make Thanksgiving so interesting. We’re gonna miss you when you’re dead.

Wait. Let us guess. There’s a “U,” two “S’s” and a “Y” later on in the show, right?

For the guys out there who thought the velociraptors in Jurassic Park were kind of hot.

For the guys who get woodies during Shark Week.


The wings are too small this year. She doesn’t look like the winged stripper we know and expect from Victoria’s Secret. She just looks like some girl who dresses weird and has a big-ass bug on her back.

 


You’re DAMN RIGHT you’re INCREDIBLE, girl! Sell it with confidence, we say. Everyone should have a superhero cape that says “INCREDIBLE” on it, don’t you think? Very handy for job interviews. Now go join your compatriots in the Justice League of Thigh-Highs. The Legion of Boob is gathering their dark forces!


For the guys who shift uncomfortably in their seats when they watch nature documentaries about bats.


For the guys who think cheerleader outfits are too demure.


Mrs. Neptune? We don’t mean to alarm you but your tits and vagina seem to be dissolving.


Neptune’s ex-wife is mysteriously pleased at the sight.


For colorblind guys.


For pedophiles.

POW! LOVE IT! When gays take over the world, this is what our armed forces will look like!

Uh-oh. Neptune’s mistress just showed up. This is like an underwater version of The Women.


The proposed waitstaff uniforms for the soon-to-be-announced Chili’s and Hooter’s merger, tentatively named “Chili Hooters.”

That is one scary-looking demon stripper.

It’s Keychain Lass! Scourge of the Underworld!


And Lipstick Lady! Deliverer of Glossy Justice!

Watch out, Justice Leaguers! Venus de Flytrap is here and she’s gonna start cutting dicks off any second!

Not a fucking clue what we’re looking at here but the face in her stomach is freaking us out.


You pop that hip, honey! But your wings look like dog ears and your “dress” looks like it was made out of old “Star Wars” sheets.

“Colors are like, so confusing!”

[Photo Credit: Getty]

    • Anonymous

      Sorry, I have to save the last half of this brilliance for later.  Laughing too hard.

      • Anonymous

        It’s not often that I actually laugh outloud at anything on the computer.  This is a total gutbuster!

    • Anonymous

      These laughingly have a lot in common with the Ms. Universe costumes in that you have no idea what they are supposed to represent.  What are they selling – thigh-high boots? wings? something called PINK?  Very confusing runway show.  (I need to go rest my eyes now after all these searing neon colors.)

      • http://twitter.com/maryssaraptor Marissa M

        The PINK brand has always involved bright colors. The rest of the outfits make more sense when you watch the actual show in order. It’s confusing to look at with all of the photos scattered chronologically.

    • Anonymous

      “For pedophiles.” Seriously. Ew.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2VBWWGHZEBKTVQMXE5SO5NCU2I Mich

        even creepier when you think about the fact that pink is kind of the ‘junior’ line for younger girls.

    • http://profiles.google.com/marteani Barbara Guttman

      Every year these things get less and less attractive.  Bringing Santino in as head designer for these shows was a poor move.

      • http://twitter.com/NC_Meg Megan

        Is he really one of the head designers? If so, that explains so much.

        • http://profiles.google.com/marteani Barbara Guttman

          He’s not, but it’s the vibe I get from them.  Writing on the behind? Unflattering things sticking out of other things?  Bras that can’t really function as bras?

          I don’t know who these shows are directed to.  It’s not women, straight men or fashion-minded people.  Crafty Queens?  Harry Hobby?

          • http://euoi.livejournal.com/ E

            I remember reading somewhere that they had to tone it down after numerous complaints about nudity( been looking for a link but I can’t find it so I could be wrong!).. i think those weird trains are to cover the model’s  asses. I think after a certain year you can’t see their behinds anymore.  Shame really, those trains are hell to the fug.

      • Anonymous

        Hahahahaha I had no idea but this explains everything.

      • Anonymous

        And QuiltRx snorts AGAIN.  Santino, indeed.

      • Anonymous

        Deer with lederhosen! At least Santino did crazy in an inspired way, as opposed to just plain CRAZY.

    • http://www.facebook.com/charlotte.horseman Charlotte Horseman

      “Chili Hooters!!” …

    • Carrie Levin

      TLo – Love you!  Hilarious commentary.

    • Anonymous

      There’s tall, and then there’s LIPSTICK LADY TALL!  Even without the 6-inch stilettos, just look at the length of her legs, torso, and neck!

      And that ain’t no camera angle.

      • Anonymous

        Even Kanye’s looking at her like “damn, Lipstick heros make me feel like a hobbit.”

    • http://twitter.com/maryssaraptor Marissa M

      I don’t see the connection between that mermaid-y outfit and velociraptors…?

    • Anonymous

      The “Neptune” series is pure gold. “Mrs. Neptune” was probably my biggest LOL ever at a TLo comment.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MBZQXGWCTBDTAZMEM4S2EJUNUQ Katie

      What is with the guy in the background in that last picture? Does he represent the pervs that are supposed to think this is “hot”?

      • Anonymous

        I think there were some dudes dancing or something.  In Part 1, there were a few shots that showed some guys in the background on the runway in some ridiculous clothes.

    • Anonymous

      “But your wings look like dog ears”
      All I can see is Falcor from The NeverEnding Story now.

      • Anonymous

        LOL! Awesome! 

    • Anonymous

      Venus de Flytrap totally looks like she’s wearing a cup.  Or maybe it really is a drag show and she didn’t tuck well.

      • http://twitter.com/maryssaraptor Marissa M

        The costumes aren’t what they are going to sell, it’s outfits that are extensions of the lingerie they do sell, the same way they add gigantic wings to everything. I think it’s a great fun idea considering how popular superhero themes are the last couple years!

        • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2VBWWGHZEBKTVQMXE5SO5NCU2I Mich

          i do think the superhero outfits were my favorite. they kind of translate well to lingerie

      • Anonymous

        It’s a codpiece!!! You know…it’s covering her cod (wink).

    • http://twitter.com/CestmoiLola CestmoiLola

      About the Chili’s/Hooter’s collaboration: they could save on signage by just calling it “Cooters”. Just sayin’.

      • Anonymous

        And when it inevitably fails, the douchegargle who actually invested in it can go “they killed my Cooter!”

      • BerlinerNYC

        You know Pandora Boxx just released a (filthy) new song called “Cooter”? It could be their jingle… ;-)

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDZ_qeZk-rA

        • Anonymous

          Yep, she did. Haven’t had the nerve to check it out.

      • http://twitter.com/DarthGail Gail Kwak

        Dammit!  I knew someone was going to beat me to the proverbial “punch” on that one!  ROFL!

    • MilaXX

      Eh, overall this was a pretty boring show this year. Not really feeling all this frou frou instead of wings

    • J Dreesen

      BAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAa…Keychain Lass FTW.

    • http://twitter.com/RobertSanchez36 Robert Sanchez

      Love that you guys went directly to the Super Friends puns. The Legion of Boob, LOL!

    • Sobaika Mirza

      “For pedophiles.”

      I laughed the hardest at that one and felt really bad about it after.

    • Erin Nice

      Your commentary is the only reason why I would ever look forward to a VS show. Well, that and I love wearing a cape to entice my man.

      • Anonymous

        That INCREDIBLE cape is the only thing in this show I would wear to seduce my man.

    • Anonymous

      I think “Keychain Lass” might actually be “Beer Bottle-Opener Babe”. Whoever designs this stuff is just cray cray!

      • http://www.facebook.com/WendyLKaufman Wendy Kaufman

        looked like a condom to me. Does that make me bad?

    • http://twitter.com/DonnaThePirana Donna

      Leave it to gay dudes to not know the new meaning of Shark Week….

    • Anonymous

      The Legion of Boob.  You need to copyright that.

    • Anonymous

      Patron Saint of Upskirts

      Coffee———>laptop

    • Anonymous

      So bizzare, the whole thing.

    • Nicole Chubb

      These last two posts made my life (if not my week). I am crying and trying to unsuccessfully stifle laughter at my desk right now.

    • Anonymous

      I’m imagining the room full of guys who come up with the costumes every year, watching Discovery documentaries while flipping through Hustler or Rob Liefeld comics, and there’s always one guy who screams “MORE ACID! MORE ACID!”.

    • Terence Ng

      Excuse me while I cry and go watch the past shows on Youtube.

    • Anonymous

      I was chortling along until I got to “underwater version of The Women,” and I busted up.

      These costumes are so awful and cheap looking, like the “sexy” adult costumes in those Halloween catalogs.

    • Anonymous

      When whoever came up with this show was pitching it, what did he or she say?  What did everyone else in the room say. 

      First, sparkly sea creatures. 

      okay. 

      And pseudo victorian stuff with spats. 

      hmm. 

      Plus superheroes.  

      what?

      AND 1980s slumber parties!

      oh, now I get it.  Yes, that the theme!

      • http://twitter.com/maryssaraptor Marissa M

        You must never have watched a VS show before. There’s different sections with different themes. And always PINK at the end.

    • http://twitter.com/DarthGail Gail Kwak

      TLo said, “The proposed waitstaff uniforms for the soon-to-be-announced Chili’s and Hooter’s merger, tentatively named “Chili Hooters.”

      I’m going to beg to differ, darlings.  I think the merged Chili’s/Hooters would actually be called “Cooters.”

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know what’s tackier, this or the CMA awards outfits.
      But I LOVE Venus de Flytrap’s shoes. I would so wear those.  

    • http://twitter.com/sarcasmspirit Stephanie Bernholz

      So the themes were Victorian/steampunk, superheroes/supervillains, neon colors, and mermaids?

    • Now I am The Bee

      Can I just say again, Tom and Lorenzo, that I totally love you guys? 

    • Anonymous

      Oh, it has to be Chooters, don’t you think? Or maybe Chitters.

    • Anonymous

      It truly is a PR stunt of miraculous proportions that a runway show so insanely tacky for a cheap mass market lingerie company has become the hot ticket in fashion.

    • Anonymous

      They are all aliens. 

    • Anonymous

      Josh would be good designer here. Gag.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mary-Stone/100001328135240 Mary Stone

      ummm chili hooters has SEVERE camel-toe…

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ULGCO2FA7R7R26GLC5FZEO4W2Q Annie

      #20 looks like something out of a gay Jurassaic Park, to quote Tim Gunn…

    • http://www.facebook.com/WendyLKaufman Wendy Kaufman

      I Whew, if you did not have a cheer for “POW! LOVE IT! ” I was gonna take my keyboard and go home. These are just waaaaaay to much fun.  When you have been doing wings for years, you gotta be desperate to find a new way to do them. because you have ben doing them for so long that if you don’t you will be horribly booed. Heck, I’m impressed, but I love camp.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1326120071 Gaby Ripoll

      The Chili Hooters should clearly be named Charo’s. 
      You got me all excited for when gay’s take over the world. Can y’all get on that? 

    • http://phantomminuet.blogspot.com/ MinAgain

      Snaps for “The Women” reference.

      “When gays take over the world, this is what our armed forces will look like!”

      You’re going to need a bigger tank.

    • Susan Crawford

      Wow. I mean . . . wow. I don’t recall WHEN I’ve seen a stranger collection of cray-cray on a single runway. Thank God T and Lo were able to develop the Neptune/Superwomen/winged/Victorian/Pedophilia storyline. Otherwise I would have been totally confused. Wow.

    • Anonymous

      If it wasn’t enough to hate Miranda Kerr for the fact that she had a baby not too long ago, and is married to Legolas, but that bra she’s sporting in the first image is worth like $2.5 million. According to this: http://tv.yahoo.com/slideshow/790/photos/1 anyway…

      • Anonymous

        How old is she?? She looks 15!!! 

    • Anonymous

      Was this “fashion show” supposed to be deliberately funny? 

    • Anonymous

      For me the only way that I could be convinced to watch this on TV would be if TLo were doing live commentary….

    • http://www.facebook.com/catherine.kronenwetter Catherine L Kronenwetter

      Yep, after all that I want about 4 pairs of shoes 0 panties

    • Anonymous

      The fact that you capped the whole hilarious Neptune series with the “underwater version of The Women” comment is what pushed me over the edge on this.  (Now I can’t get the image of Joan Crawford with gills out of my mind…)  Somehow you make sense out of this over-indulgent parade of lycra.    Here’s to you both!

    • http://parisiennelauren.wordpress.com/ Lauren

      I propose that the Chilis-Hooters merger be named “Cooters”.

    • Anonymous

      You know what?   I’m not sure WHAT straight men think of all this, but I’d really like some lesbians to weigh in, here.   They are uniquely qualified to express any kind of logic behind the show…So, Ladies who Love Ladies (They’re the Luckiest Ladies in the World), would you wear it or hit it?    My inquiring mind wants to know.

      • ladyjax

        Hello, as a Lady who Loves Ladies (the Luckiest Ladies in the World), I’d neither hit it or wear it.  The ladies here on display are too skinny for my liking and I instinctively distrust women who are pouty-lipped on purpose.  It’s just wrong on so many levels.  And wear it?  Well, if it was twenty years ago back when Victoria’s Secret actually carried items that weren’t so cookie cutter, I might have given it a shot but since I’ve never been all that small then my desire for this stuff is pretty muted.  Although at one time VS carried, ahem, underpinnings that actually fit people like me and I used to hit *that* regularly.

        I look at these precious toddlers in this fashion show and I just want to have them drink a milkshake or something.

        • Anonymous

          I loved VS’s high waisted, high cut leg undies. They were the only ones I wore!! No wedgies, ever!! Now, they don’t make them anymore, they are all cut down below the belly button and I hate them!!

          • ladyjax

            OMG, yes those hi-cut panties were beyond amazing!  No wedgies, cool colors and they lasted.  I used to roll into VS during the panty sale and after a brief moment of snotiness from the clerks (as in, “Why are you here, you cow?”), I’d whip out my money and say, “I’m here for the panties!  And guess what, they even fit me!  Ha!” 

            Okay, some of them weren’t that bad but a lot of them would throw major shade.  I was just there for the panties.  And I mourn the fact that they stopped making them.

        • akprincess72

          “I instinctively distrust women who are pouty-lipped on purpose”, me too!!!

    • Anonymous

      I forgot to mention earlier even though when I read it I said it out loud.  TLo, I love the reference to The Women–one of my favorite movies.  

    • Anonymous

      This hits an 8.5 on the Richter Scale of Tacky.

    • Anonymous

      You guys really killed this show!  I will be coming back for weeks to snort at these (I lost Snort Count on this one…I’m in a nasty mood and your ripping these bitches was cracking me up.).

      I’ll take a dog purse and an INCREDIBLE cape, please.

      And, dear gay uncles, I’ll let you in on something…every straight man GETS and KEEPS a woody THROUGHOUT Shark Week.  I honestly don’t understand it.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_LFA7IMYX3NQB6SP3JHKKSRNPOM Virginia

      If you had told me, in 1991, that I would be in bed roaring with my hetero husband at screen caps of this bizarro VS show, I would not have believed it.  But here we are, and I am in awe of Tlo’s ability to make us laugh this hard.  Bless you boys, you have an amazing talent – don’t minimize it EVER.  This ain’t no ordinary blog…true brilliance and creativity…every time.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2CNDPMVO4W23R5TVC2QMTJ5BZE Heather

      This s*** is just WEIRD. Am I really supposed to wear this for my (straight guy) boyfriend? I think he would be seriously scared if he came into the bedroom and saw me dressed like a stripper insect.

      • akprincess72

        My husband would likely be startled & step away slowly (so as not to startle said insect) also.

    • Anonymous

      Hi-Larious!!!!!

    • Anonymous

      Wouldn’t Chooters or Hili’s be better name choices

    • Anonymous

      I think they put some kind of liner in the panties so there’s no cleavage showing.  This shit is just STRANGE. 

    • ladyjax

      The irony in all of this is that a few years ago, Lane Bryant produced a commercial for their Cacique lingerie line that was deemed risque for television (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JyCuITBD6dk).  That one was way sexier than this.  I could say more but then I’d be tacky. :)

      • Melvis Velour

        Oh come on Lady, go for it!  Don’t deny us…

      • akprincess72

        Seriously??? They banned that but keep the vapid VS commercials on?  Effin’ stupid.

    • Sara__B

      “Burlesque for 6-year-old girls,” says my 28-year-old son.

    • Anonymous

      I like the fella behind “Lipstick Lady” who is clearly thinking “Fuck this lame choreography. Why the hell would she put that crap on, & why are we pretending anyone would want to look at it?

    • Anonymous

      What makes this fall so flat for me is that so much of it looks so CHEAP. Not tacky cheap, just cheap halloween costume cheap.

      VS shows are always silly in one way or another, and I kind of enjoy that, but (unless I have on the rose-tinted spectacles of memory) most of the costumes used to look way more “finished” & luxuriously made.

    • Anonymous

      In all seriousness, who are they marketing to?  Do other stores other than VS sell their cheap stuff?  

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=506473106 Mori Clark

      why does this years VS show suck? i remember last years being awesome.. :(a

    • Anonymous

      No,no.no.no,…We can make this work.  Pick -up your Apple-tini/Cosmopolitan and follow me. It’s all about ATTITUDE.  Shake your wings like it’s your money money maker. You know what?!…This SHIT lame!! Drink your cocktail honey! Just walk and wiggle!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jessica-Charlotte-Siewierkiewicz/503556621 Jessica Charlotte Siewierkiewi

      Mrs. Neptunr looks like she has a glittery dick. I think Mr. Neptune does not know or he doesn’t care.

    • Anonymous

      How can anyone get a proper look at the underwear when they have all that crap on? Maybe I’m missing the point of the show…

    • Anonymous

      Oh my god, I hate myself but: I think you might be thinking not of the Velociraptor, but of the Dilophosaurus, which is the one that has the sort of expanding, frilled face-crest and spits venom?

      Anyway, hilarious as ever. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand why lingerie shows are so clearly for dudes, but I guess if they weren’t we would all be the poorer for missing out on midriff doilies and INCREDIBLE! capes.

    • Anonymous

      Guinness World Record for Tacky, Tacky, Tacky…it’s not even fun, T&L have it down, it’s like “What’s your weird fetish” filtered through The Sucklord

    • Anonymous

      I think this one is Cross Stitch Girl: http://wpc.4d27.edgecastcdn.net/004D27/Misc/2011VictoriasSecret/2011+Victoria+Secret+P2+30.jpg

    • Cathy S

      You guys are awesome. The armed forces outfit was my favorite and I love all your superhero names. I read a nice article where the models were saying how much they love to do this show because, unlike every other runway show, they get to have fun and smile and pose and be silly if they want.

    • Scott Lichtman

      Wow, those creations were so amazing and original…when fairy fart Amy Brown drew them 10 years ago…

    • Anonymous

      Chili Hooters knocked me off the couch….. You boys outdid yourselves with these VS posts!!!

    • Anonymous

      Chili Hooters!!! LOL!!! And that stuffed animal one did give off that creepy pedophile vibe. Yeech.

    • Anonymous

      Chili Hooters is totally called Cooters.

    • http://twitter.com/asciident Melissa Della

      3rd from the bottom–are those cross-stitch wings?!

    • Anonymous

      WTF? This show isn’t classy or campy just plain crazy. The only thing interesting is the TLO commentary.

    • Anonymous

      It looks like the models all had two hours to make their own costumes.

      I’ve seen 3am drag shows in rural New Zealand that were more professionally put together.

      • http://www.wordydoodles.com WordyDoodles

        Seriously!! THis was supposed to be a multi million dollar extravaganza?? I’m feeling like a Bitter Kitten, but hey. The truth is harsh. PREACH, TLo!