Pretend Stylist: Spring 2012 Clutches

Posted on November 08, 2011

Darlings, let’s talk clutches. Specifically, let’s talk spring 2012 clutches. Like any good and stylish gay, we swoon over a killer clutch, so it would be impossible for us to pick our favorites here. You are encouraged to do so. You are also encouraged to play along with our little “Pretend Stylist” game. We matched a celebrity to every bag here, based either on their known personal style or what we feel they’d look best sporting. Make your picks, kittens. What’s the first celebrity’s name that pops into your head when you see each bag? Or do you keep seeing your own name over and over again?

3.1 Philip Lim, Alexander McQueen, Balmain, Bottega Veneta

J Lo, Rihanna, Gaga, Gwen Stefani

Burak Uyan, Celine, Christian Dior, Christian Louboutin

Reese Witherspoon, Fergie, Sarah Jessica Parker, Elle Fanning.

Dax Gabler, Diane von Furstenberg, Donna Karan, Dries Van Noten

Katy Perry,  The Duchess of Cambridge, Kristen Stewart, Kirsten Dunst.

Emilio Pucci, Givenchy, Jimmy Choo, Kotur

Emma Stone, Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, Evan Rachel Wood.

Lanvin, Leiber, Lizzie Fortunato, Marchesa

Madonna, Helen Mirren, Heidi Klum, Beyonce

Marni, Missoni, Nina Ricci, Prada

January Jones, Paz de la Huerta, Chloe Sevigny, Hailee Steinfeld

Proenza Schouler, Roger Vivier, Valentino, VBH

Kim Kardashian, Whoopi Goldberg, Queen Elizabeth II, Zoe Saldana.

[Photo Credit:]

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  • Sobaika Mirza

    There is something growing on that Dax Gabler.

    • Kelp and algae – the latest in eco fashion accessories.

    • Anonymous

      To me it looks like that old silver pin/nail game where you stick something like your hand or face in, and push the pins/nails at the other side to make an impression.

    • Anonymous


  • Anonymous

    Queen Elizabeth II – Snort!

    • I think TLo were making sure we were still reading.

    • Anonymous

      She would have to have a handle applied, to keep up her purse-on-the-arm Betty cuteness!

  • I doubt Whoopi Goldberg has ever carried a clutch in her life.

    • She can barely be bothered to get out of pajama clothes for The View, for god’s sake!  Clutch?  You’re absolutely right:  no!

    • Yes, but if she was going to carry one, that would be the one. It’s a game people – play along now.

    • Anonymous

      True, but it’s an inspired choice by Tlo!   If she could be convinced to hire Chris March for her red carpet dresses, he would make her look regal, and this clutch would be the icing – one can dream.

  • CQAussie

    They’re all so lovely I can’t choose a favourite!  OH PLEASE let QEII sport the Valentino clutch at the next royal outing oh please oh please oh please!!

  • fragileindustries

    You mean I have to fight QEII for that clutch?  Dukes up, ma’am.

  • Anonymous

    You had me at Gaga and Hailey Steinfeld, but you knocked it right out of the park with QE2!!!!

  • Anonymous

    That turquoise and black little Louboutin number has my name all over. As I sit here in my Adidas sweats, Patagonia fleece, and Merrill shoes. goddamn it.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, AD, me too. I got the kids ready for school, took my son to school, ran an errand to Target, and still haven’t really gotten dressed. Also, I received my first ever name-brand purse for my anniversary this year: Dooney and Burke for Disney. Yup.

  • Anonymous

    I couldn’t hope to do any better than you two, so I’ll just thank you for the brief lunchtime diversion.  You made me chuckle (QE II) and smile (Whoopi, Paz, heck, all of them).

    Now back to scowling at the correspondence of my exasperating clients.

    All the best,


  • I’ll take the Kotur and the Leiber, please. ‘Kay, thanks.

  • If I were at Missoni, I’d be very put out with you for suggesting we were a good fit for Paz… I’d watch out at the next FW:) 

    I never think of Kristen Stewart as a clutch kind of girl — she needs big bags that can be justified by function.  I always feel for that girl.  She could not be less comfortable with the celeb style things. 

  • Anonymous

    They’re all spectacular and they’re calling my name.

  • lilibetp

    The Queen has never carried clutches.  Too much juggling with hand shaking and such.  Cluitches are not big enough to hold the things she has to carry (I understand she has to carry certain government papers with her at all times).  And the position of the handles on her bags is a language for her handlers, like there used to be with fans. 

    • Anonymous

      Ooh, I love the language of the handbag handle. What an enticing notion!

    • Anonymous

      how funny the thought of the little queen carrying around her official papers.  does she have a monarch i.d.?  in case she gets carded at the royalty bar.

    • muzan-e

      As a clutch virgin, I felt wholly unqualified to play.
      Then I read this, and realised I was the Queen!

      Except for the government papers, handlers and fans, that is. Er.

  • Judy_J

    All your matches were pretty spot on, but the Celine clutch is MINE!

    • Anonymous

      I know. I want. I am thinking there’s a problem, though, if I share Fergie’s style? 

      • Judy_J

        I don’t really share Fergie’s style, but I do love that clutch!

  • Anonymous

    Love the clutches you named for Cathy Cambridge and Chloe Sevigny. Those have my name all over it.  I think you were spot on with your gut reactions to these, especially the clutch for Paz.

  • Anonymous

    You bitches already nailed it (except maybe Heidi K and Beyonce). Can we start doing this with dresses too though?! 

  • What fun. I don’t carry clutches myself but they are sure pretty and the match game made them interesting.

  • Anonymous

    My name is on 25 of them.

  • Anonymous

    The Alexander McQueen clutch covered in black and white pebbles (?) reminds me of Josh’s aquarium rock top… only not in retina searing neon colors and thus tasteful. OMG! Did I just say Josh and tasteful in the same sentence? Who would have thought it was possible!

    • When Josh and tasteful are mentioned in the same sentence, “not” is both implied and inferred.

  • that was so much fun…

  • MilaXX

    3.1 Philip Lim, Alexander McQueen, Balmain, Bottega Veneta – Amy Adams, Kerry Washington, Gaga, StefaniBurak Uyan, Celine, Christian Dior, Christian Louboutin – Ciara, Monica, SJP, Fergie
    Dax Gabler, Diane von Furstenberg, Donna Karan, Dries Van Noten – Katy Perry, Duchess of Cambridge, KStew,  Paz De la Huerta
    Emilio Pucci, Givenchy, Jimmy Choo, Kotur – JLo, Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, Evan Rachel Wood.
    Lanvin, Leiber, Lizzie Fortunato, Marchesa – Michaelle Williams, Raquel Welch, Lenney Kravitz (depending on scale, if it’s an envelope clutch, he’s rocking it.) Beyonce
    Marni, Missoni, Nina Ricci, Prada – January Jones, Bai Ling, Chloe Sevigny, Tilda SwintonProenza Schouler, Roger Vivier, Valentino, VBH – Zoe Saldana, Rosario Dawson, Pink, Eva Mendez

    • Anonymous

      Whoa. I am impressed with how you reeled those names right off!

      • MilaXX

        i guess my love of pop culture is showing

  • Anonymous

    That Lanvin clutch you gave Madonna? I’d fight her for it. Literally.

  • MilaXX

    Love your choices, but I imagine a few guys carrying one or two of these if they were the large, envelop sized bags.

  • Anonymous

    Can’t top your celebrity picks. My favorites are the Phillip Lim, Lanvin and Marni

  • Anonymous

    I hate clutches, but the Dax Gabler is to die for (and is arguably not a clutch).

  • Anonymous

    I keep seeing the word MINE written over all of these clutches.

    • That is so weird because that is what I see also!  Back away from my purses lady.

  • J Dreesen

    i chose the same stars as you for the ones matched to Katy Perry and Madonna.  granted, those are the only two where i bothered to wager a match as i was looking through all the bags.

    that either makes me naturally lazy or naturally gifted…i am going to go with the latter.

    • Those are also the only two I was able to match. Well, I matched the Missoni with Lady Gaga, but TLo matched it with Paz, and matched the Balmain with Gaga. I guess, overall, I just don’t pay much attention to the accessories women wear on the red carpet.

  • Anonymous

    The weird thing is that I could see Hailee Steinfeld with almost any of these, to be honest. And for the very first white one, I say Anne Hathaway. I also think that the Kotur one you gave to Evan Rachel Wood and the Marni one you picked for January Jones would be great for Jennifer Lawrence. Number 2 (McQueen) for Diane Kruger, last one (VBH) for Claire Danes.

    I’m stopping now. These suggestions are all in addition to your own, which I think are for the most part spot-on.

  • Anonymous

    Aw geez, the clutch you chose for Queen Helen of Fanfuckingtastica strikes me as too geriatric. I think she should kick Madonna down and take that one.
    The Proenza Schouler is making me drool, but the fact that you said KARDASHIAN just when I was trying to find a planet without a Kardashian on it was a blight an otherwise fabulous post.

  • Prada all the way, but only because I love the comical-yet-vintage take on artwork. Would love to see transistors/amps and other mechanical items on something like that

  • Anonymous

    i hardly ever get to carry a clutch, but i love them all  as fine art objects.  i like to go into neiman marcus and look at all the little jeweled clutches in the vitrines (glass cases, it’s an art snob word).  what do they call those little purses- minaudieres?  something like that.

  • Anonymous

    My favorite is the one you’d give to Paz? 

    *reevaluates clutch lifestyle choices*

    • Anonymous

      Felt the same way when I realized my favorites went to Fergie and Heidi Klum.

      • Anonymous

        I’m not sure what it says about me that my favorites were the ones designated for Helen Fanfuckingtastica Mirren and Katy Whotheheckisthisgoofball Perry.  Am I really that split a personality??

  • Anonymous

    Did any other bitter kitten catch that they assigned the wooden clutch to Kristen Stewart? Bwahahahaha! (But I want it. As well as all four pictured with Madonna’s, and maybe the Dries van Noten. And, and and.)

  • Anonymous

    GOOD call on Nicki Minaj. And I thought “Madonna” when I saw the crucifix, too!

  • I’ll fight Fanning and QE II for the Louboutin and the Valentino.

  • i love the one w/ the tentacles. just cos it’s silly. it looks like a post-craig morrison bug bag.
    but are you sure it’s dax gabler? it sounds like their stuff would look like this but it doesnt.

  • Queen Elizabeth II?  Were you just checking to see if we are paying attention?

  • I will single-handedly fight Rihanna, Reese Witherspoon, SJP, Taylor Swift, Madonna, January Jones AND Zoe Saldana for their bags. I reckon I can guarantee being able to taken on Taylor Swift at least. I’ll respectfully leave her maj. Queenie alone though – mainly because she’d look amazing carrying that Valentino around! & also because I don’t fancy being charged with treason and/or shot down by MI6.

  • Anonymous

    I’ll take the Leiber for myself, and give the Nina Ricci to Helena Bonham Carter.

  • Anonymous

    funny, i thought of hailee for the dax gabler one.

  • oohsparkley!

    Tlo are natural born stylists (of course!).  I was “mine, mine, mine”.

  • Whoo hoo! I got katy perry! This was fun.

  • Anonymous

    There are several that I love, but more as works of art than as a practical purse. I own several small purses (nothing as beautiful as these) that I bought because I liked them so much and yet they are totally impractical.  Alas, I am not rich enough to indulge in a beautiful clutch that I can never use.

  • Anonymous

    Holy cats, caped crusader! There is a veritable avalanche of embellishment going on here.

    My most hated is that overly metallic Balmain (if I have the captioning correct: left to right, top row, then bottom row?), the one with the steer’s head.

    Fashion tip: if it would make a lovely belt buckle at a drag rodeo, it is NOT a good look for a clutch.

    The Jimmy Choo also strikes me as dreadful, but perhaps I just lack the
    imagination to picture the dress it would suitably accessorize.

    The Dax Gabler though, is fun. Plus I’m betting those with texture issues might find it addictive.

    I’d give a road test to the McQueen, Donna Karan, Kotur, Lizzie Fortunato & the Marchesa. There is a girl & a dress out there for the Dries Van Noten, but I am not her and I don’t own it.

  • I need some of these in my life.

  • Anonymous

    Forget the celebrities.  Want.  Well, except the sea anemone one — although I’d have rocked it with a bubble skirt in 1985.

  • TLo – love your imagination! I like how you make a post so creative. Letting people imagine.


  • The Kotur or the Marni are most fitting for that fabulous celebrity AKAdviser. Please send one of each. All the other guesses I missed. Can we do shoes next? Cause clutches are so hard (said in a super-whiny voice).

  • Anonymous

    Holy crap.  I picked about 50% of the same celebrities that y’all did on my pass through.

  • Anonymous

    Step away from your bags, Evan Rachel Wood, Heidi Klum, and January Jones. I said, STEP AWAY! Those bags are MINE, bitches!

  • Anonymous

    YO! Good calls!!!!!!!!! Excellent matching boys!

  • Anonymous

    Some seriously fierce bags here!  We had Hailee Steinfeld in common.  But LOL @ QEII.  hahahaha

  • Anonymous

    Ooooh please make “pretend stylist” a regular column- that was drool worthy and wicked fun! Queen E ahh we can dream

  • Anonymous

    omg. i want them all. now.

  • Anonymous

    I find fashion porn so calming….thank you for posting

  • Haha, Queen Elizabeth with a studded clutch. Sometimes you boys are just MAGIC.

  • Melvis Velour

    I’ve seen a lot of stylish young things down here in Austin starting to carry antique reticules and are totally werqing them to death…

  • Anonymous

    Thank you, thank you for this.  These are GORGEOUS.