Pairs Division: Pattinson and Lautner

Posted on November 23, 2011

Let’s pick a slightly more believable Twilight pairing, shall we?

 

Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner attend the premiere of “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1″ (“Breaking Dawn – Biss Zum Ender Der Nacht”) in Germany.

Keep those hands safely in your pockets, boys!

From the left:

HE: Obviously thought “Oh shit, I’ll be standing next to Taylor, who hits these red carpets like each one of them is his own personal debutante ball. I better bring it.” And he sort of did bring it. Nothing particularly interesting about this look, but it’s the standard Pattinson “I took a bath for this event” dressed up look. Everything is perfectly acceptable and presentable. But Robert, we’re begging you. Get rid of the facial fungus. Someone like Hugh Jackman can sport the 2-day growth and look suave. You can’t. Score: 8.5/10. He looks good, but a black suit, white shirt, and silver tie is like the standard little black dress of red carpet wear for men.

HE: Is a little disappointing here. His look is undoubtedly more stylish than Robert’s. We like the texture of the suit. But why, even on that rare occasion when he doesn’t have his hands in his pockets, does the lower half of his jacket spread out like that? Why is there a puddle of fabric at his ankles? Why is his collar not standing up? Oh, Taylor. A rare stumble. You have brought shame on the house of Twilight. Score: 6/10. Save your tears for later. You don’t want to cry in front of cameras. Then people might think you can act or something.

Combined Score: 7.25/10. Robert, you may gloat. We won’t actually detect any difference in your face if you do so, but feel free for your own sake.

[Photo Credit: Away!/PR Photos]

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  • http://twitter.com/ILikeShiny Cindi Williams

    Someone should clue Rob in: the stubble look only works for guys whose facial hair grows in evenly.

    • Anonymous

      Being a pasty white boy doesn’t help.

  • http://twitter.com/ILikeShiny Cindi Williams

    Someone should clue Rob in: the stubble look only works for guys whose facial hair grows in evenly.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1344922354 Eric Scheirer Stott

    Lautner should go the Fabio route and model for romance novel covers.

  • scottyf

    Inquiring minds T&Lo ask about Taylor Lautner…
    “But why, even on that rare occasion when he doesn’t have his hands in his pockets, does the lower half of his jacket spread out like that?”

    Werewolf Got Back.

    • http://twitter.com/DarthJaeda Jaeda Laurez

      I’d still smash. Judge me if you must. 

      • scottyf

        Only for your good taste. He looks SO adorable in the Twilight ad where he’s crying that Vaseline tear.

      • scottyf

        Only for your good taste. He looks SO adorable in the Twilight ad where he’s crying that Vaseline tear.

      • Anonymous

        In a heartbeat. Essence of CGI- could get it!

    • http://twitter.com/DarthJaeda Jaeda Laurez

      I’d still smash. Judge me if you must. 

    • Anonymous

      J’adore!

    • http://profiles.google.com/dwight.lake Dwight Lake

      LMAO that was priceless

    • http://profiles.google.com/dwight.lake Dwight Lake

      LMAO that was priceless

  • scottyf

    Inquiring minds T&Lo ask about Taylor Lautner…
    “But why, even on that rare occasion when he doesn’t have his hands in his pockets, does the lower half of his jacket spread out like that?”

    Werewolf Got Back.

  • Sobaika Mirza

    I believe shame has already been BROUGHTEN to the legendary House of Twilight. Remember when Kristen Stewart wore Converse on the red carpet?

    • Anonymous

      Isn’t the entire franchise quite shameful? The deployment of converse also.

    • Anonymous

      Isn’t the entire franchise quite shameful? The deployment of converse also.

  • Sobaika Mirza

    I believe shame has already been BROUGHTEN to the legendary House of Twilight. Remember when Kristen Stewart wore Converse on the red carpet?

  • MilaXX

    Surprised that RPat looks better here than Taylor. Scores seem fair.

  • MilaXX

    Surprised that RPat looks better here than Taylor. Scores seem fair.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_EDI2DLE7DE3YPW2ONIHBWOVHMA ecallaw

    Considering those to whom TLo has given a 6 in the past, methinks that Mr. Lautner has earned himself a grading curve. Obviously, each of the stated criticisms is dead on, but I still think many male celebrities would have earned a higher grade for that effort.

    I don’t like the cut of Mr. Pattinson’s pants.  They are too baggy on top compared to how tapered they are on bottom.

    • http://twitter.com/bredalot Bridget Smith

      I think the problem is that when you start to give someone only 8 or above, the shades of distinction become too fine. The grading is based partly on how they look objectively and partly on what they’re capable of.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_EDI2DLE7DE3YPW2ONIHBWOVHMA ecallaw

    Considering those to whom TLo has given a 6 in the past, methinks that Mr. Lautner has earned himself a grading curve. Obviously, each of the stated criticisms is dead on, but I still think many male celebrities would have earned a higher grade for that effort.

    I don’t like the cut of Mr. Pattinson’s pants.  They are too baggy on top compared to how tapered they are on bottom.

  • http://twitter.com/bredalot Bridget Smith

    I have no comment on the clothes, but someone shared this with me today and so now I’m riding a wave of good feelings for Robert: http://rpattztalks.tumblr.com/ Holy crap, SO FUNNY.

    • Melissa Brockington
      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_HREPOWNBVUBRIVPQCF3ST2IKDM Euphory

        It’s quite funny the two leads (Pattison and Stewart) can barely hide their distaste for Twilight and each other…

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QFW22QV426LUOEPGASPZJWJMDE MishaFoomin

        Wow! I think I actually like him a little now. He might be fun to hang out with at a bar or something.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1344922354 Eric Scheirer Stott

          I think when the series is over he’s going to stick around just long enough to pick up the check, then he’ll run as far and as fast as he can from it.

          Lautner, on the other hand, will be waiting for a direct to video sequel.

    • foodycat

      Thank you – that was amazing! 

    • http://www.facebook.com/amy.ennis Amy LeBaron Ennis

      I think I may love Pattinson now. But I still wish he’d take a shower. 

    • Anonymous

      Thank you for pointing me to this.  It’s caused endless snorts of laughter here in my little cubicle.

  • http://twitter.com/bredalot Bridget Smith

    I have no comment on the clothes, but someone shared this with me today and so now I’m riding a wave of good feelings for Robert: http://rpattztalks.tumblr.com/ Holy crap, SO FUNNY.

  • Anonymous

    Love your critique. Spot on. See what a tie can do for you, fellas?

    The stubble makes Pattinson look like a slightly elderly college student home on break, hoping Mom’ll let him skip the shave if he wears a tie.

  • Anonymous

    Love your critique. Spot on. See what a tie can do for you, fellas?

    The stubble makes Pattinson look like a slightly elderly college student home on break, hoping Mom’ll let him skip the shave if he wears a tie.

  • Anonymous

    For some reason the title translation into German cracked me up. 

    I’m so meh on either one of them that I can’t really judge.  Both of them need to shave.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1540233153 Malve Lyborg

      Just to let my “know-it-all”-of the day out (and as I know that TLo are fond of Germany):

      Actually it’s spelled “Biss zum Ende der Nacht”, and the book was spelled “Bis(s) zum Ende der Nacht”. “Bis” means “untill”, but “Biss” means “bite”. And “zum Ende der Nacht” is “to the end of the night”. So it’s a wordplay with biting and lasting.

      *end of know-it-all*

  • Anonymous

    For some reason the title translation into German cracked me up. 

    I’m so meh on either one of them that I can’t really judge.  Both of them need to shave.

  • Warmheartedgirl Seattle

    OMG thank you so much T and Lo for the morning laugh!  I so needed it today.  “I took a bath”, “people might think you can act”…  I have never understood the attraction of the three kids in this movie series.  None of them seem capable of moving their faces for any reason, none ever smiles, they look like attractive robots, and they certainly can’t act their way out of paper bags.  Yuck!  Thanks again, boys! 

  • Warmheartedgirl Seattle

    OMG thank you so much T and Lo for the morning laugh!  I so needed it today.  “I took a bath”, “people might think you can act”…  I have never understood the attraction of the three kids in this movie series.  None of them seem capable of moving their faces for any reason, none ever smiles, they look like attractive robots, and they certainly can’t act their way out of paper bags.  Yuck!  Thanks again, boys! 

  • Anonymous

    Could it be that RPattz’s suit is actually better fitted than the squinty dude’s? Say it ain’t so! (he still needs a good cleaning a shave, though)

  • Anonymous

    Could it be that RPattz’s suit is actually better fitted than the squinty dude’s? Say it ain’t so! (he still needs a good cleaning a shave, though)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jessica-TallGirl-Freeman/1043623567 Jessica TallGirl Freeman

    I’m so shallow I didn’t even read what TLo said.  Sometimes I like to just enjoy the view.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jessica-TallGirl-Freeman/1043623567 Jessica TallGirl Freeman

    I’m so shallow I didn’t even read what TLo said.  Sometimes I like to just enjoy the view.

  • Anonymous

    I wholeheartedly agree with your assessment of each guy…except why did T Laut’s get a pass for his own”facial fungus?” His face looks dirty. As in mud pies dirty.

  • Judy_J

    Don’t get the appeal of either of these two.  I have a co-worker who is gaga over the whole Twilight thing…..maybe that’s why I’m sick of it.  Anyhoo, Pattinson looks more like wolfman than vampire to me (he is supposed to be the vampire one, right?).  And the other guy is making me cringe with that limp collar and puddly pants.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_HREPOWNBVUBRIVPQCF3ST2IKDM Euphory

    Taylor is so tiny next to Robert.
    Robert would look much better without facial hair.  He looked better in Harry Potter.

  • Anonymous

    I love a beard, but the chin fuzz just looks grubby and messy. They both look so bad in the suits that I’m wondering why they bothered. Maybe someday when they grow up they’ll be really cute.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1344922354 Eric Scheirer Stott

      I think Pattinson might grow up to be pleasantly goofy looking. Lautner will be one of those chunky guys who “used to be so hot”

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QFW22QV426LUOEPGASPZJWJMDE MishaFoomin

    Maybe… Maybe they decided to trade suits just to throw you off, TLo. That’s why R-Pat looks better dressed than Lautner this time. It’s just a big joke on their part.

    • http://twitter.com/algaechick Crystal

      It would explain why Taylor’s pants are too long and Robby’s are shorter than usual.

  • Anonymous

    “You have brought shame on the house of Twilight!” BWA ha ha ha!! 

  • Anonymous

    I am pretty sure he wears the scruff on purpose to look as unattractive as he possibly can. Dammit, I hate myself a little but I have been completely won over by him. And his hatred of the entire franchise and how utterly hilarious he is in interviews. And the extremely weird but wonderful movie he was in about Dali and Lorca’s UST for each other.

    I always did think Edward and Jacob were the far more interesting and believable romantic pairing Twilight should have gone with. They had so much fire and chemistry.

  • Anonymous

    “Let’s pick a slightly more believable Twilight pairing, shall we?”

    I died.  Love you guys.  

  • Anonymous

    I think I’ve figured out at least part of Robert Pattinson’s problem. He needs (and let me say up front that I don’t believe I’ve EVER said this about anyone) to have his eyes done. They are small, squinty and it seems it’s cuz the lower lids either are too high and fleshy or that the upper lids need to be lifted. There–may I roast in hell for saying this. Oh, and yeah the facial fungus really needs to go. He was so handsome as a boy in Harry Potter. Now he’s just icky hairy. Ooh and yeah the other guy has small squinty eyes as well, just not as trmstlsble. Oops, ran into the margin and couldn’t see what I typed–meant remarkable.

  • Jeanne de Grasse

    Boys, boys, boys!  If you have hips or a butt and insist on stuffing your hands in your pockets – wear a double vented suit jacket!  Also get a jacket that has the waist curve placed at YOUR waist curve, not four inches above.

  • Anonymous

    Poor RPatz.  His eyes are such that he will never NOT look stoned.  I mean, he may be…

    I thought Taylor was sorta hot when he got all buffed up for the movies, but now that he’s slimmed down, the proportion of his body to his head is off.

  • Anonymous

    Rob should always wear a tie with his suits, he looks so much better without the usual limp collar look which Taylor apparently felt he had to wear.

    Men, keep your ties on. 

  • Anonymous

    yes, I agree, Pattinson wins this round. I thought his suit was a really dark chocolate brown, though. Must be my monitor.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_R5AEYCZ4KHBGWIKJ2FCRD2D4WY Esme Cuckoo

    So based on the scores, for this night… Robert = top, Taylor = bottom.

  • Anonymous

    Looks to me like Lautner is there to support his buddy who just came out of rehab.

  • Anonymous

    I’m disappointed in Lautner’s get up. Maybe he felt so bad for RPat that he threw him a well-gnawed werewolf bone and decided to make some classic mistakes. Seriously, it’s like he’s been reading TLo and said, how can I best mess up so vampire boy can look good for a change? And he followed instructions to a T (Lo).

  • Anonymous

    More believable pairing, indeed.

    Taylor’s jacket appears to be cut for the male equivalent of the crotch curtain.  I do like the texture of his suit, though.  My feelings about Robert range between bored to tears and physically repulsed so it’s hard to care what clothes he’s wearing.  They do make a nice couple, though, don’t they?

  • lilibetp

    I saw a headline the other day that one of the Twilight boys was considering coming out of the closet.  Somehow I think it would be more likely if they ALL came out.

  • Sara__B

    What a switch! Taylor looks like the salesman on a bender while Robert is quite presentable. How unexpected!

  • Anonymous

    TWILIGHT ACTOR CHEAT SHEET

    pattinson + twilight series = vomit in mouth
    lautner + twilight series = roll eyes forever
    (pattinson + lautner) – twilight series = OMFG MAKEOUT PLEASE

  • Anonymous

    Agree with the scores and am surprised Pattinson outscored Lautner. Didn’t think it possible.

    “Robert, you may gloat. We won’t actually detect any difference in your face if you do so, but feel free for your own sake.” Well done, hahaaa.

  • Bethany Fairbrother

    The Jackets don’t fit on either of them.

  • Bethany Fairbrother

    Really don’t get this whole thing!  Tried to read the book…threw up a little…and a fully grown woman wrote this?  ”Rollingstone” wrote a revue that this is the worse “Twilight”.  Holy eefing Christ.  Like there was a good one!

  • Anonymous

    Can’t someone get RPatz to wear a belt!?!  Is he allergic to leather???

  • Anonymous

    TLaut’s I’m-not-an-Indian nose job is healing badly. It’s caving in on the left.

  • http://profiles.google.com/dwight.lake Dwight Lake

    Seriously TLo, you’re all dressed up standing in front of scores of strangers with cameras being scrutinized and yelled at. You have no clutch to fiddle with and you can’t put your hands on your hips or in your pockets. WHAT do you do with your hands? I never know what to do with mine and I’m pretty sure I’m never being scrutinized by more than 2 persons at a time (if it’s a good hair day).

  • http://profiles.google.com/dwight.lake Dwight Lake

    Seriously TLo, you’re all dressed up standing in front of scores of strangers with cameras being scrutinized and yelled at. You have no clutch to fiddle with and you can’t put your hands on your hips or in your pockets. WHAT do you do with your hands? I never know what to do with mine and I’m pretty sure I’m never being scrutinized by more than 2 persons at a time (if it’s a good hair day).

  • Anonymous

    I’ll say it again…SOMEONE needs to take the lead and become a star in men’s grooming and tailoring…..boys: shave already, get rid of the scuffed shoes, floppy collar shirts and long pants..find a barber and a tailor….you have the money after all….

  • Anonymous

    they both look like jerks.  i rest my case.

  • moon

    While he’s working on the facial hair, can someone please deal with his eyebrows?  He looks like a haggard muppet.