Pairs Division: Minogue and Velencoso

Posted on November 28, 2011

Australian glamour coming your way, bitches! Brace yourselves!

Kylie Minogue and her boyfriend Andres Velencoso attend the 2011 ARIA Awards in Sydney, Australia. Kylie Minogue wears a Richard Nicoll gown.

Richard Nicoll Spring 2012 Collection/Model: Sara Blomqvist

Oh Kylie. We will never stop loving you, you crazy little sex pixie.

SHE: Is still a crazy little sex pixie, but this time she’s a pixie in a silly dress. It’s funny. Looking at all the straps and flounces and ruffles and gewgaws all over this thing, it’s amazing how little of it covers her up. It’s like a dress made entirely out of notions, which, come to think of it, would make a fun Project Runway challenge. Everything about this is awkward and overdone. We love you, girl, but there’s no coming back from this one. Score: 4/10. We’ll give her a couple points for effort.

HE: Is an international male model, genetically blessed, and has his arm around a girl wearing a dress held together with spit and hope. The least he could have done is put a modicum of effort in. This is just okay. Score: 5/10. He doesn’t actually look bad, but he doesn’t look stylish or head-turning either. And if you’re a genetically blessed international male model, isn’t it your duty to look stylish and head-turning? Rhetorical question.

Combined Score: 4.5/10. Tsk.

[Photo by Mark Kolbe/Getty Images,]

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  • Anonymous

    This is just wrong.

  • Sobaika Mirza

    Aww, maybe I have a soft spot for her but I think she looks kind of cute. She’s pulling off the dress better than most people could.

    He is quite the looker, fashion be damned!

  • It would be a terrible PR challenge. Everyone would try to make something edgy out of zippers.

    • Anonymous

      Zippers would have to be banned.

  • Enough with the long sheer skirts over short skirts. Do you hear me designers? ENOUGH.

    • Anonymous

      Absolutely! They’re ugly and awkward on everyone.

    • It was never ever a good idea in any case. But it’s been done to death and back 12 times.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed! Even the little friend she’s hugging in one shot is wearing one of those, but with the added drama of sheer lace and possibly a train.  

        • And does any part of that dress says outdoor daytime event to you?  No?  me neither.

          • I’m not going to defend the dress, it’s indefensible whatever the weather or hour. Just a minor point though; these are red-carpet shots, the ARIAS are not an outdoor or day event and it’s summer down here so make of that what you will.

          • Thanks for the heads up!  Its appreciated.

  • foodycat

    She rolled in glue and dived into a whore’s sewing basket, didn’t she?

    • Anonymous

      Hahahah!! Never heard THAT one before.  I’ll have to find a way to work it into conversation somehow…

    • Anonymous

      Do they have sewing baskets?

      • foodycat

        I’m sure they do – there must be a lot of wear and tear on the scanties.

  • Dreadful.

  • Bridget Dierks

    Damn, that is a fussy dress.  I’m humored by the weird boob-ensconcing ruffle.

  • Anonymous

    That has to be one of the most ridiculous looking dresses I’ve ever seen.  Even on the model, it looks like the sheer leg panel has a gabled roof.

    And goodness gracious, those are some monster platforms!

  • Anonymous

    That is a ridiculous dress.  Notions, indeed….. But even worse is in the background of the first shot.  Pity the poor woman who decided to wear that awful, crotch-climbing jumpsuit in public.  Shot from behind is NOT her friend.

    • foodycat

      Good spot! I hadn’t noticed her. Is jumpsuit woman talking to Cate Blanchett?

      • Anonymous

        Poor Cate….. she has to see the front view.

  • C.

    Doesn’t she get any points for good face and hair?

    • C.

      Although, you’re spot on, TLo, the dress is tragic…just trying to show the sex pixie some love.

    • Anonymous

      I guess just four points worth!

  • but at least his collar is standing up sans tie.

  • Anonymous

    What a sad little dress. She would’ve looked better even if she’d walked the red carpet just in her undies and those killa shoes.

    What a mess.  I loves me some Kylie, but honey, just plain NO!
    And you, Mr. Iammoregorgeousthanyou, press that shirt, hem those pants, and either show up with that porno stache in full bloom, or shave it off.

  • Anonymous

    I’d love for you guys to do the red carpet for the ARIAs.  Some of the looks were … TLo commentary worthy.

  • Anonymous

    Oh, Kylie.   Middle aged cancer surviving gay fave?    You rock.   Your dress?   Not so much.    Get a better dress and tell your rent-a-penis to look sharp (it’s his job) and fly your flag, girl!

  • BerlinerNYC

    It’s like she wore this dress on a dare. It looks ridiculous, yet somehow she looks fine. One of her superpowers is to wear even the silliest, sluttiest outfits and still look somehow classy and dignified.

    • Anonymous

      Perfectly expressed.

  • Anonymous

    Um. He looks pretty head-turning to me.

    • Isy

      Right? The only way he could be any more head-turning is if he showed up naked, to be honest.

  • Kate Pearce

    She looks all right from the front when she is standing still and himself is right next to her, however, the back and the rest of it in motion are just awful. He looks a little David Duchovny to me around the eyes, hmm??

  • Anonymous

    Fair scoring. That dress is ridiculous. It looks even sillier on the model. He needs a tie. Way too casual for the event.

    • Anonymous

      what IS the event?  wear the most slutty and ridiculous contraption you can find?  where are they?  and what are the cranes for?  i’m just full of questions here.

      • Anonymous

        Evidently it is the ARIA awards ceremony. Not sure what it stands for but I gather it is sort of the Australian equivalent of Billboard (music charts and such). So, this must be a music awards ceremony. The Fug ladies had some coverage of it, mostly noting the sheer long skirt over super-mini trend.

        • Anonymous

          This is a trend that must be hunted down and executed immediately in the public square without a trial.  In fashion, unlike government, fascism can work.

        • Trust me – even wearing a jacket or a collared shirt to the ARIAs (Australian Recording Industry Awards I think) put you on the upper end of the formal scale

  • good grief, how tall is he?  She has giant heels on.  Or is she just really tiny?  Oh the dress? Eh.

    • She’s 5 feet tall, I think. Although he has to be pretty tall because she’s wearing sky high heels and still only comes up to his shoulder.

  • P M

    I do not understand the sheer long skirt coupled with bloomers. Seems like false modesty.

  • Cute corset, where’s her gown?

  • i’m australian, so maybe i’m biased, but i think they look good here! she’s cheeky and having some fun, and he just looks crisp and clean.

    • Anonymous

      cheeky?  is that what they call it down under?

  • Rand Ortega

    J’Adore the Minogue. That’s all I’m gonna say. Her  honey, Jeff David Copperfield Goldblum, is just too fine for words, so I’m going to give them a 7/10 because the genetic roll of the dice has been nice to them both.

    • Alisa Rivera

      I was totally thinking Jeff Goldblum too, with a dash of Tommy Tune.

  • Judging from all the creases and Kylie’s smile, they just had a quickie in a limo so they really don’t care 🙂

  • Anonymous

    He’d turn my head!

  • How do they still manage to look hot?  Amazing.  But agree with critique.

  • Ben

    why are the two of them so prettyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? H8

  • Anonymous

    Good Lord! That’s a bedroom dress designed solely for the fun of having someone take it off. Not for going out in public!

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I thought Frederick’s of Hollywood.  Not for public consumption.  It’s even a little tacky for the bedroom.

    • Anonymous

      they’d need an owners’ manual just to get started.  do not attempt this while tripping.

      • Anonymous

        You made me laugh out loud with this one.

  • Anonymous

    I only have two words: Crotch napkin. 

    And that blue knit jumpsuit in the background? *gasp* *clutch the pearls* I thought the 80’s were over!

    • Anonymous

      crotch napkin.  so handy when you need to dry it off.  i’d need one too, if i were on his arm.

      • Anonymous

        This comment cracked me up (and I agree with the sentiment)!

    • Anonymous

      i KNOW that jumpsuit! that’s gotta be kellie sutherland from Architecture in Helsinki, I just saw them perform last week and that jumpsuit totally made the show.

  • Anonymous

    I love the photo of her hugging the other woman in the other silly spiderwebby nightmare dress. “LOVE your hiddy dress!” “LOVE YOURS MORE!”

  • That dress is really, really stupid.

  • Anonymous

    Wow, that’s her boyfriend, wow.  Go girl!

  • Anonymous


  • I dunno. The dress is at least as ridiculous as you say it is, but they both look kind of blissfully glamorous anyway.  I would score them higher, just on that basis.

  • Anonymous

    oh, that’s a bad dress. They do look cute, though.

  • Jenna Kuhmann

    More tragic is the woman in the background (on the left) of the first picture…it looks like she found Bert’s “avant-garde” jumpsuit in blue.

    • Anonymous

      perhaps it’s an obscure australian holiday at which the citizenry gather at the local racetrack and compete to see who can wear the most bizarre ugly outfit ever.  he didn’t get the memo.

  • Brad and Anne White

    I don’t even see Kylie in the pic. Does that piece of eye candy have something on his arm? Didn’t notice.

  • Jessica O’Connell

    “…a girl wearing a dress held together with spit and hope.” Oh TLo, that just about killed me. Thank you :-). That might make writing my paper slightly easier… probably not, but maybe!!

  • Anonymous

    she: is wearing the most ridiculous get-up ever imagined.  it even looks preposterous on the model (check out the shoes!)  i can’t believe she’s wearing it outside the bedroom.  and even then, he would just be consumed with laughter.  could be why he’s not really looking at her.

    he:  would be a 9.5 in a burlap sack.  girl done good.

    who’s the other blond in the slut-gown? and one more question. who the fuck is richard nichol and what the fuck was he thinking?

  • Oh honey. Kylie, I will love you forever, but that dress is awkward.

  • Mary McClelland

    I kinda like it and think they look fun and chic and exciting. I know, I know she’s over-done and he’s boring, but I still think it kind of works. 

  • Anonymous

    I feel like you guys are being unreasonably harsh here. They look easily as good as some 7-8’s you’ve handed out.

  • Anonymous

    They look like Gods we shouldn’t even be looking at.  

  • That’s a stoopid dress. 

  • Anonymous

    I don’t get your score for him at all. He’s beyond gorgeous, his suit fits impeccably, his collar is alert, not crushed, he knows how to pose without stealing her focus. He’s looking off, probably toward another camera, or maybe he’s in model-land. A tie would have been nice, but it’s optional when an open shirt looks THAT good — and, they’re on a dock or something on the middle of the day. Her dress is ridiculous in every regard and her hair is snaky.
    She 3.0
    He 9.5

    • I didn’t notice before because he’s so good looking, but that suit is actually baggy and wrinkled.

      • Anonymous

        Wow, you’re absolutely right.  I hadn’t noticed either because I couldn’t be bothered to look anywhere below his shoulders.

  • Anonymous

    On behalf of my country, I’m sorry.

    Most of us here in Aus do own pants.

  • Anonymous

    All that may be true, but allow me to give a little local information to, at the very least, explain his choice of clothes. They were attending the Aria Awards, which is kind of like Australia’s Grammy’s, but not as important or well-respected. You heard me – not as well-respected as a Grammy. Frankly I’m impressed they even got out of bed.

  • Her dress would be cute if she was wearing it in the bedroom, but outdoors it’s silly. At least she didn’t wear the bow in the Pussy Frame style like the model.

  • He looks just fi-i-i-i-ine to me! Her outfit is just awful.  You’re right about the notions! Way too much notion,too little fabric and the sheerness factor is really getting old. Josh of PR would Love this, but not me.  Maybe this is how she draws attention away from her gorgeous beau. The shoes are pretty, wish I could see them better.

  • Anonymous

    I just don’t understand celebrities. What woman in her right mind would go out in a dress [sic] like that?  I mean unless you’re Sandra Bernhard or Margaret Cho or someone else who can wear and mock fashion at the same time.  It is to laugh. 

    I do love the idea of a challenge based on notions, and I’d hope the winner would produce something better than this ridiculous mess.  Also, as others have pointed out, her shoes are ridiculous.  Again: Celebrities, what the fuck????  Don’t you want to look good, instead of totally stupid?

    He is underdressed, which, as the fashionistas say, is trending right now, and his pants don’t fit.  And he’s a MODEL!

    Two pretty people who have made themselves look stupid.

  • Anonymous

    Dawww, I love my Kylie no matter what kind of silly clothes she has on. Face and hair are flawless. 🙂 You go, girl!

  • Anonymous

    A dress made out of notions.  Exactly!

  • Noelle Haland

    Yes, her dress is a bit ridiculous, but I don’t think it’s quite as bad as you say, TLo. I think she could have been given a bit higher score for hair and makeup.  As for him, I disagree — I think he’s pulling off that dashing tie-less-in-a-tuxedo look quite well.

  • I don’t really feel she can ever really do wrong, but this time….

  • Anonymous

    You know, someone that wee gets a pass from me on that ridiculous cant-make-up-your-damn-mind dress trend (you know, the mini under a full sheer skirt). I think it’s generally a tacky look but can serve as a pretty great way for an itsy bitsy girl to wear floor-length without getting swallowed up in it.

    But that said, the bodice is hideous.

  • oohsparkley!

    I think the scoring is harsh.  I’m probably blinded by the pretty boy and girl.  Am I getting used to the sheer long skirts?  Her legs look sexy.

  • I really like her hair and makeup though…

  • Cathy S

    Not liking the dress at all, but she’s really cute and looks so happy it’s hard to criticize. “Genetically blessed international male model”–hell yes. I didn’t even notice what he was wearing.

  • Anonymous

    I have been educated:  I noticed his nicely upright collar right away.

  • I am sorry she could be wearing nothing as far as I am concern, not looking at her at all. Him on the other hand… Where have you been all my life????

  • MilaXX

    Totally agree with the scores. Kylie, I love you boo, but that’s a but much for daytime. He just looks blah.

  • Kylie can do no wrong…I have a complete blind spot when it comes to her. She looks AMAZING for her age (and having been through breast cancer as well). The dress is ridiculous, but hey, that’s Kylie for ya. And what a tall drink of water her arm candy is! 

  • Anonymous

    You don’t think he’s head turning? Clean, shaven, in event-appropriate if unexciting garb and, as noted, genetically blessed?

    Your heads, gentlemen, are slower to turn than mine. I’ll bow to you on the stylish, but I must give him 7/10.

    It’s a silly dress. And how, um, demonstrative-of-the-fact-that-people-are-sheep-who-can-be-told-what-to-wear-by-designers-who-are-surely-snickering-somewhere to see that there was another one there that’s nearly as silly.

    But silly-sexy is part of her ‘thing’ isn’t it? So, for her, I think 4 is harsh. I was going to award her a 6, but then I got the glimpse offered of her shoes, which seem to be straight out of a 6-year-old’s dress-up box, if the child were being raised to be a showgirl of questionable taste. But she only loses .5 for the awful shoes because they DO fit the dress, no? 5.5/10.

    6.25/10 for the pair.

    (And I deeply doubt the longevity of the relationship. She’s playing to the crowd, not to him.)

  • margaret meyers

    They should have both refused to be photographed in that harsh daylight.  The event can’t afford a pavilion with a little controlled lighting?