Pairs Division: Banderas and Hayek

Posted on November 22, 2011

We were in agreement that Salma and her dress would have to be featured here, but we fought over the inclusion of Antonio in this post. “He doesn’t deserve our opinions!” cried Tom. “But don’t you see?” asked Lorenzo. “It’s because he’s so careless and disrespectful of the time-honored and revered movie-shilling process that he deserves our opinions most of all!”

We don’t really talk like this, just so you know.

Anyway, just look:

Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek at 'Puss in Boots' Paris PremiereAntonio Banderas and Salma Hayek attend the premiere of “Puss in Boots” (“Le Chat Potte”) in Paris. Salma Hayek wears an Yves Saint Laurent dress from the Edition Soir 2011 collection.

Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek at 'Puss in Boots' Paris Premiere

Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek at 'Puss in Boots' Paris Premiere

Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek at 'Puss in Boots' Paris Premiere

Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek at 'Puss in Boots' Paris Premiere

Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek at 'Puss in Boots' Paris Premiere

HE: Needs to be directed to the plumbing aisle. Score: .5/10.

SHE: Looks like she wants to kill him. In fact, if her hands were around his neck in each of these pictures, it would only elevate her score. Aside from that, all we’ve got to say is Chica, This is Not Your Dress. That midnight blue goes drab on her – it’s a color best suited for the pale types – and the fussiness and frilliness give it an overworked quality that doesn’t suit her. In addition, the overwhelming shininess combined with the ruffles makes it look like cheap bedding and the shape of the skirt doesn’t flatter. This is SO not your dress. Release it into the wild so Amber Heard can scoop it up, hon. Score: 5/10.

Combined Score: 2.75/10. We thank you for making the effort, Salma, but it would have taken something WERQ-worthy to make up for his “Dad’s Night Out” getup. Antonio, you seem determined to do everything in your power to puncture the sultry latin lover image. Mission accomplished. We’re all quite aware that you can look like as big a dork as any other guy.

[Photo Credit: Pixplanete/PR Photos]

    • http://profiles.google.com/adj.blair Adriana Blair

      I think your average is a bit off! But other than that, spot on opinionating.

      • Anonymous

        The math is correct.

      • http://twitter.com/ms_smartiepants Beth M.

        Adriana, did you see the decimal point in Antonio’s score? He got a 0.5, heh heh, so the average is correct.

        • http://profiles.google.com/adj.blair Adriana Blair

          I see it now! I guess it didn’t even cross my mind that it could get that bad… (And I guess this is why I use a calculator for everything -_-)

    • Sobaika Mirza

      It is a bit harder to dress for her body type, I can sympathize. But still. If I were able to figure it out by 20, she has no excuse.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ailsa-Martin/644946901 Ailsa Martin

        Yeah, she has quite a difficult body type, but she’s lucky because nevertheless she has an amazing body – but she persists in doing horrible things to it. She should know what works for her by now – so why does she look like the funeral cake for a burlesque dancer!?

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_HREPOWNBVUBRIVPQCF3ST2IKDM Euphory

        so how would you dress her body type?

        • Sobaika Mirza

          Body skimming fabrics, minimal frou-frou, and if there’s going to be embellishments, the weight should be limited to either the hem or the neckline. Bolder colors rather than this drab navy thing. This is my favorite outfit that she’s ever worn; very simple but she looks impeccable:

          http://outfitidentifier.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/318.jpg
          I have a similar body shape (except shorter and not as awesome). I don’t doubt that the availability of more flattering clothing is less than that say, January Jones experiences, a lifetime with that body should have taught her something, no?

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_GFMOZFM3WT3T56EZHVZFK7UXSI Ramon

            And the woman has more money than she knows what to do with it, not to mention the hubby. Come on Salma, just chain Viktor in your dungeon and have him do one of a kind pieces for you until his fingers bleed.

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_GFMOZFM3WT3T56EZHVZFK7UXSI Ramon

            And the woman has more money than she knows what to do with it, not to mention the hubby. Come on Salma, just chain Viktor in your dungeon and have him do one of a kind pieces for you until his fingers bleed.

    • Anonymous

      TOTAL HomeGoods bed-in-a-bag dress!

      Also, these two should be delivering a much higher hotness quotient. I DEMAND MY BANDERAS/HAYEK HOTNESS QUOTIENT!

    • Anonymous

      That dress is YSL?

      • Anonymous

        That was my thought as well.

        • http://twitter.com/stellaphone Stella Zawistowski

          Maybe it’s YSL’s new home line. It really does look like bad bed linens.

          • http://twitter.com/NC_Meg Megan

            Bed linens! That’s it. I kept trying to think of what it looks like but all I could think is “cheap.”

            • Anonymous

              Fancy apron.

            • http://profiles.google.com/sara.e.munoz Sara Munoz

              EXACTLY! Maybe her play on “French maid”?

    • Judy_J

      They both look rather absurd.  He looks like he’s here to do some landscaping, and she looks like Miss Muffett.  And again with the dangling cameraman angle!  Making your subject look like a lollipop is NOT flattering to anyone.

    • http://twitter.com/PhDKnitter marlie

      She should at least get another point or two for actually TRYING, unlike her costar there.

    • Anonymous

      Those are some ugly ruffles.

      Also: 0.5! That’s gotta be a record!

    • J Dreesen

      are we not giving them the benefit of the doubt that they are “dressing” to their characters in the movie?  a kids’ movie at that?  not that i am making excuses for those pants he is sporting – absolutely not my intention.  i am thinking more of her dress at this point.  and maybe a little of his “stay at home dad” approach…

    • Anonymous

      He doesn’t deserve a 5…he put no effort into that look  I’d give him a 1for being clean shaven. 

      She deserves more than 5…I’ll give her a 6.  She at least put effort in the look and is dressed appropriately for the venue, as ugly as that dress is.  Her hair and makeup look nice.

      I find it funny that he has 3 layers on (coat, sweater, and tee) while she is bare shouldered. I’m cold just looking at her…

      • Anonymous

        He got a 0.5, not a 5.

        • Anonymous

          yes I know…I put the “EDIT…oops” in before you replied.

    • http://twitter.com/DarthJaeda Jaeda Laurez

      I like what he’s wearing *shrug* He’s promoting a kid’s flick, not schindler’s list. He does look like somebody’s well-dressed dad…but then again, I think he looks good. Could he have dressed up a lil bit more? Maybe, but I really think dressing in “nice casual” is just fine for a film where you aren’t even actually on screeen.

      SHE looks awful and overdressed to boot- the dress is shiny, pulls down her boobs (and really, it’s Salma- you have to do a LOT to make her boobs look bad), and quiet as it’s kept (/Funky Dineva), she’s a good 20 years from being able to wear a dress that twee, with the bows and ruffles and such.  

      • Anonymous

        Agreed, he looks relaxed and comfortable and she looks like she stopped by on her way to the real party.

    • Anonymous

      I hate that dress.  Hate it.  

      And he looks like a super hot grandfather.  Maybe not appropriate for a movie premiere, more like picking out the Christmas tree with the kids or flying to Colorado for the weekend, but the carhartt-wearing, cowboy boot stomping side of me absolutely loves this look and if I could get my husband to look this put together, I wouldn’t be Concerned about his taste in fashion all the time.

      • Anonymous

        Exactly my thought.  If I saw this guy out, shopping or at a restaurant, I would stop and take another look.  Not appropriate for the event, but it’s a good look in another place.

    • Anonymous

      I think he looks okay. She on the other hand. That dress is just terrible on her.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_HBS4KWJ6XTPDEL2JMD37ZS5YHA Ben

      that is one of the ugliest effing skirts i’ve ever seen

    • Anonymous

      Her hair is from Hell.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed. That looks like one baaad hair day, especially in the first 2 photos.

      • Anonymous

        Yes!  Those wings are just crazy!

    • Anonymous

      That dress reminds me a bit of the album cover Roxy Music by Roxy Music.  It would have been a bit better in white, with pink ruffles and sash. ;)

    • Anonymous

      If it weren’t for the ruffle at the top, I’d like the dress. She looks good. 

    • Anonymous

      I think the dress might look cute if you are 10 and have no boobs. Neither of which applies to Salma.

    • Anonymous

      Do you think more color on the face could have saved the color of the dress?  

    • Anonymous

      Holy Moses on a stick – could she be packed any more tightly into that thing? It must have a whalebone corset built in there.

    • Stefanos Mantyla

      That dress makes me think of cosplay, maids being the most typical cosplay from what I know.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_UH5XQGXDKLXDSVGB626B53KXBA linda

      in the last picture, even the cat is giving Antonio the stink-eye.

      • Anonymous

        OMG… I didn’t notice that at first but now I cannot stop laughing.

    • Anonymous

      Selma’s dress is a combo of Heidi (of the mountains, not Klum)-meets-cocktail waitress-in-satin.  But she (face/hair) looks great.  After Antonio picks up some parts in Plumbing, he’s going to rake leaves.  Which he is welcome to do at MY house!

    • http://profiles.google.com/katelynsypher Katie Sypher

      Bad bridesmaid confection. Also, straps are too long.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_EDI2DLE7DE3YPW2ONIHBWOVHMA ecallaw

      It looks like he’s wearing ladies’ boots.  Ugly ladies’ boots.

    • MilaXX

      UGH! What is wrong with him? He physically looks great, but the outfit makes me want to oops upside his head. I would give her dress a pass if that ruffle were gone. I also hate her shoes here. The Minnie mouse pumps just makes a borderline tacky dress look cheap(er). They both deserve those scores.

    • Anonymous

      He:  needs an intervention, or perhaps a smack upside the head.
      She:  looks like a midnight wedding cake.

      And these are two of the hottest people on the planet.  Shameful, just shameful.

    • Anonymous

      Her dress reminds me of the frilly aprons that women used to wear in the 1950s and 60. 

    • Anonymous

      That dress makes Salma look like she has two sets of boobs, one set shoved over the top of the dress and another resting down where they can chat with her elbows.  Elbow boobs are never a good thing.  But then, having four boobs, while unique, isn’t exactly a good thing either.  That dress is made for someone young with normal boobs.  It’s definitely not her dress.

      Also, why is the dress so long in the front and so short in the back?  Discuss!

      You can diss Antonio’s casual look, but it’s a kid’s movie where you don’t even see him.  By rights neither of these people should be on display, just their disembodied voices hovering around and scaring the cameramen.  From my point of view, he’s dressed fine and she’s overdressed in clothes of a 20 year old.  Of course, I find Antonio to be sizzling hot no matter what he’s wearing so that may be coloring my vision.  Or it could be that I can’t unsee Salma’s four boobs…

      • Anonymous

        ” By rights neither of these people should be on display, just their disembodied voices hovering around and scaring the cameramen. ”

        Cracked me right up. That’s the kind of image one could build a movie around.

    • Anonymous

      He looks totally sexy in that outfit. It’s not a red carpet effort but I like it better than the ruffled too young dress Salma’s wearing.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jessica-Charlotte-Siewierkiewicz/503556621 Jessica Charlotte Siewierkiewi

      Oh, Banderas. The love I had for you in ‘Desperado’ has evaporated like a nude shoes sale-out.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jessica-Charlotte-Siewierkiewicz/503556621 Jessica Charlotte Siewierkiewi

      Oh, Banderas. The love I had for you in ‘Desperado’ has evaporated like a nude shoes sale-out.

    • http://sharpandkeen.wordpress.com/ katie

      her dress reminds me of an apron somehow. I feel like she is pretending to be a housewife waiting at home for her husband with a cake, an apron, and nothing else.

    • http://sharpandkeen.wordpress.com/ katie

      her dress reminds me of an apron somehow. I feel like she is pretending to be a housewife waiting at home for her husband with a cake, an apron, and nothing else.

    • Anonymous

      He looks hot in anything he wears.

    • Anonymous

      She looks like she’s wearing an apron.

      He would look good in a man on the street post.  But a red carpet event? 

    • Anonymous

      Just lose the bust ruffle and she’s good. HE on the other hand – looks street cute but red carpet ridiculous. Someone needs to tell him that THOUGH in the movie he is just a voice – when promoting people can actually SEE him.

    • Anonymous

      The dress wouldn’t be so bad except for the ruffle at the top. I was immediately reminded of a fancy apron.

    • aimee_parrott

      Ooh… that .5 score has got to be the lowest RC score you guys have ever given out, no?  But he earned it.  Gross.

      That dress is really tragic on her.  Not her color, not her silhouette, not her style.  It’s too fussy and it looks cheap.  It’s YSL?  Really?  I think her score’s about right, although I might be tempted to throw a couple of sympathy points her way to make up for the undereressed douche beside her.

    • CQAussie

      Actually….if Antonio just lost the jacket, he’d be all set.  Or maybe even replace it with a better fitted jacket.  Agree with you that the dress is not working well for Salma but I do adore her hair, it is amazing!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1248212910 Jessie Melcher Brown

      It looks like a 1950’s pinafore style apron.  Not her best look.

    • Anonymous

      She’s visibly trying to change her red carpet style, you gotta give her points for that. Remember when Selma Hayek was the “oh lawd, Selma Hayek is wearing a fishtail sparkly dress again” Selma of yore? YEAH.

    • https://profiles.google.com/104791269167429064986 Judy S

      Le Chat Botté.
      I think she looks like she knows what she’s doing in that dress–if it were just her I would give her more than a 5. If he were wearing a tux or something she would look better.

    • Anonymous

      Her beautiful bazoongas are squished in this weird dress.  That makes me sad.  But the hair looks lovely!

      • http://twitter.com/urban_gypsy Urban Gypsy aka Tess

        I know, my first thought (well after kid’s party dress) was where did her gorgeous boobs go? A dress that all but obliterates those glories of nature should be taken out and shot or given to an 8 year old.

    • Anonymous

      They both look like they just got off work.  He obviously does landscape or construction and she looks like a waitress at one of those restaurants that serve breakfast and lunch and bake their own pastries.

    • Anonymous

      It looks like she’s wearing a formal apron. Eww.

    • Anonymous

      It’s not only not her dress, it’s not her apron. It looks like she just put the chicken in the oven, and forgot to take it off. On the other hand, it’s a good thing she did, because she forgot to put clothes on again!

    • Shalia Radtke Martin

      It took about 3 looks to realize it was actually Banderas.  I thought it was Simon Cowell for a few!!

    • Anonymous

      Jesus H. Christ on a cracker.  Those jeans look like he got them out of the rag pile.  Honestly, she’s in Yves St. Laurent and he’s in “so ratty even the thrift store wouldn’t take them”?  I’m not sure I’d even give him .5, except that, unlike so many of his colleagues, he did shave.

      Richard Storm, a contributor to the New York Times Metropolitan Diary this week,  said it best:

      LINE OUTSIDE THE CLUB
      The women shine

      Hair and makeup crisp and full

      Little black dresses, gold chains

      Six-inch heels: two weeks’ pay

      It’s an occasion

      The men wear ratty jeans

      Bed head hair, cigarette behind the ear

      Tees, plaid unbuttoned shirts

      Tennis shoes, black scuffed boots

      They’re dressed to work on their cars

    • Anonymous

      She looks like a naughty maid. He looks like a slob.

    • Stephen Bornstein

      Ms Salmas industrial strength shoulder straps make her look like she is wearing a costume for a French maid wearing overalls. 
      All that money and so little taste…..

    • http://twitter.com/taijuuuh Taija HU!

      I want the dress she’s wearing. You said pale types.. It’s not her dress at all (but it could be mine…)

    • foodycat

      If it’s cold enough for him to wear a sweater and a jacket, she needs sleeves.

    • Anonymous

      Love her dress, but her hair is a bit off. He on the other hand looks like he couldn’t give a crap. 

    • Anonymous

      Gothic Lolita.  Shiny, happy Gothic Lolita.

    • Anonymous

      how can two people that are hailed as super hot dress so super bad?

    • http://cheekypinky.wordpress.com/ Rebecca

      Cocker spaniel hair.

      NO. Bad Selma! NO!

    • http://deeplyproblematic.blogspot.com/ RMJ12345

      Also, girl, that center part is not your friend.

    • Anonymous

      This dress is kind of magical–it has made Salma’s bust vanish.

    • Joseph Lamour

      Why is he standing like hes modeling in front of a Toyota Tercel at the 1988 Cincinnati Auto Show?

    • Anonymous

      I’m aware that she’s petite and curvy, which means it’s not easy to find dresses that flatter her figure. But flouncy ruffles are NOT the way to go. He’s way too old to wear faded, ripped jeans to any sort of event. Not good.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_3AJ237ND3GAHDQJZ4TLCO4WLRA Emily

      Her dress is milk maid-ish and how dare he even pose next to her in that getup???

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jessica-TallGirl-Freeman/1043623567 Jessica TallGirl Freeman

      I am continuously frustrated even looking at this woman.  She has access to some of the best design houses and yet, she manages to find the one YSL dress that looks like a dumbed down version of a french maid costume.  And to think she paid someone to make her hair look like that.

    • Anonymous

      Looks like she escaped from a community theater production of West Side Story with the lighting guy.

    • Warmheartedgirl Seattle

      I think the dress looks really pretty and is head and shoulders above what she’s been known to wear on a red carpet, so I’d give her a 7.5.  He, on the other hand, FER CRYIN OUT LOUD!  She’s wearing YSL, and he shows up in ripped jeans?  I’d be pissed too!  I think giving him even .5 is too high!

    • Anonymous

      That dress is twee and not good on her; it’s also the opposite of the billionare trophy wife outfits she’s been wearing lately.  Sartorial split personalities, neither of them good. 

      And she HAS done casual and full-skirted well before. so there’s no excuse:
      http://gofugyourself.com/well_played_again_salma_hayek0624-06-2010

    • Anonymous

      Ohhh, Ms. Hayek. You are rich. You have a stylist, no doubt with his/her own assistant, possibly assistantS, parading free designer clothing before you, and you choose THIS??!!

      It is a gorgeous color, which doesn’t do much for you, but you don’t need to be flattered. You DO need to wear something which looks like a REAL dress, not a length of drapery fabric which had already been halfway made into a some unattractively gathered & be-ruffled drapes, then given to a Project Runway designer (admittedly one with some sewing chops) who was allotted 90 minutes to turn it into a dress.  5/10 is fair.

      As much as I feel your .5, I’ll give him 1.5 to allow for worse sins which he is not committing: he is shaven, does not look ill, stoned or hung over, his clothing is clean, and he is wearing nice (if inappropriate) shoes. You KNOW some of the young pups recently seen at various premiers & award shows might commit one or more of those sins on the red carpet.

      So, 3.25 overall. And that’s kind.

    • http://asskickingadviser.com/ Ass Kicking Adviser

      I can just imagine that she has, by now, seen a picture of herself in that um, elaborate-Mrs. Cleaveresque-apron, and was horrified.  I’m horrified. YSL should be horrified for creating it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1344922354 Eric Scheirer Stott

      The tit ruffle makes this look like a Slutty French Maid Costume

    • Anonymous

      I’ve got a place he can feel free to lay his pipe. :)

      Yes, he needs his ass kicked.  Maybe he’s trying to give the poor ass in the cat suit his day in the sun.

      I actually really like this dress, though I wish it were a little less shiny.  But I totally agree it is not HER dress.

    • Anonymous

      I agree that he looks too sloppy–but he still looks mad sexy.  I wish that women could look even half that “at home” and appear on the red carpet.  Then again, I’m a femmy dyke and if I saw a woman who looked like him I’d be very happy!

    • Anonymous

      Say what you want about Antonio, but he is filling out those jeans quiteeee nicely. He gets a good 7.5 ;)

    • http://twitter.com/mme_hardy MadameHardy

      Quinceañera in mourning.

    • http://twitter.com/#!/Space_Kitty Space Kitty

      Making your wife look embarrassingly overdressed is not very sexy.  For shame.

    • Anonymous

      Needs to be directed to the plumbing aisle–thanks for the laugh out loud!  

    • Anonymous

      Is it just me, or is he looking like Rowan Atkinson here?  From Zorro to Mr. Bean.  Oh how the mighty have fallen.

    • http://twitter.com/TheScottFinley Scott Finley

      Antonio, when the first thing I think of when looking at your outfit is Orvis, well, you’ve just been mentally castrated.

    • BuffaloBarbara

      I actually love his leather jacket.  The look would be hot for “man on the street.”  But for a red carpet where she’s wearing an expensive, if hideous, loaner?  Nope.

    • Anonymous

      That dress is just awful on her. I’d be interested in seeing it on Chloe Moretz.
      Melanie Griffith dressed him.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_66KPZ36LMHMRQOX3HIJGHRNNUA MandyM

      Oh I so disagree about the scores… There is no way they both deserve a 5. If SHE’s a 5 then he is a negative number. There are issues with that ruffle and you nailed all the other problems with that dress but overall it is not nearly as heinous as that daddy at the park outfit he’s wearing. I can see him tossing a football with his kids in the yard wearing this, not attending a red carpet event, even a casual one like this. NO NO NO! There are ways to do casual without looking like a schlub.

      • Anonymous

        Look again, his score was POINT 5.  As in less than a 1.  A half a one actually…..  I missed the period the first time too, had to go back and look after the odd combined score of 2.5 didn’t ass up.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_66KPZ36LMHMRQOX3HIJGHRNNUA MandyM

      Oh I so disagree about the scores… There is no way they both deserve a 5. If SHE’s a 5 then he is a negative number. There are issues with that ruffle and you nailed all the other problems with that dress but overall it is not nearly as heinous as that daddy at the park outfit he’s wearing. I can see him tossing a football with his kids in the yard wearing this, not attending a red carpet event, even a casual one like this. NO NO NO! There are ways to do casual without looking like a schlub.

    • Anonymous

      i keep expecting her to bust out a chorus of “i’m a little teapot” in that get-up.  caption for photo #5:  what the fuck you lookin’ at, esse?

    • Anonymous

      Hate that dress on her but I would totally f**k him.  In the plumbing aisle….

    • Anonymous

      Sigh.  I really thought Banderas was going to age from hottie to distinguished hottie, a la Sean Connery or Paul Newman.  But he’s kinda looking like your average uptight suburban dad lately.  In the penultimate pic, I’m hearing, “Shut the door already!  Are you trying to heat the entire neighborhood?  Do you think I own stock in the utility company??”

      I think it’s the haircut, which is both a severe and a little goofy looking.

    • http://twitter.com/Alloyjane Alloy Jane

      I’m totally late to this party but aside from her hair and the color of the dress, I LOVE the whole West Side Story vibe she’s got going on.  I can totally picture her singing “I like to leeve een A-MER-RI-CA!”  

      Him, normally his slovenly appearance makes my face scrunch up to one side but this is pretty good for a Home Depot visit!  He looks sharp and competent.  He can fix my drywall any day.  And that is not a euphemism for anything either, he’s dressed like a fairly respectable contractor who believes in getting his hands dirty, just like his workers.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1401197785 Jennifer Peters-Ahnberg

      Her dress looks almost exactly like an apron my MIL gave me.

    • Anonymous

      nice pouch in photo number 5, yazza. 

    • Tom Shea

      If Banderas looks like a dork, I’m a friggin’ breadstick.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ND5AEJQAPZUGHA26CJSKIJY7HA Andrea

      what a douche…..

    • Anonymous

      It’s “Le Chat botté.” (With a “b” not a “p”).  Salma est belle.