Girl, That Is Not Your Dress: Jessica Biel

Posted on November 18, 2011

Sometimes we think Jessica does an admirable job of dressing her shape correctly and other times … not so much. We like to imagine she cycles through various stylists, some of whom understand how to dress her and some of whom don’t.

Jessica Biel attends the Tod’s Dinner to Celebrate Elle’s December Issue in a Roland Mouret dress, Christian Louboutin shoes, a Loree Rodkin ring, and Tod’s signature clutch.

Look, she has got the slamming-est of bods which means, as always when discussing how to dress a body type, it’s not about fixing flaws, it’s just about dressing to your best effect. She has an athletic gal’s body; broad shoulders and slim hips. She usually does a good job when she’s picking out gowns, but this less formal getup is not doing her any favors. A long slim skirt like that makes her bottom half look almost pin-straight and curveless. The fussiness at the neckline and shoulders makes her look much broader up top than she is. The entire effect leaves her top heavy. It’s a great dress – and a really great bag and ring – but sweetie, this dress belongs to some other gal.

 

[Photo Credit: tods.com]

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1344922354 Eric Scheirer Stott

      The color is nice

      • Sobaika Mirza

        Agreed, that greige is tough for some to pull off. The cut is awful for her unfortunately.

      • Anonymous

        heh – I read that as “That color is mice”, and was agreeing in my mind. I do like mousy colors, though.

        But still, agree that is not her dress. 

    • Anonymous

      It looks like she’s wearing it backwards.  We all have days like that.  I bet the front is cute.

      • Anonymous

        HAHAHA!  It does look like it’s on backwards, and like she didn’t have time to pull it down properly and get the bunching out.  But if it was unbunched it would cover her feet.  I don’t think the “back” is cute so hopefully the “front” is.  And that color, it’s the gray equivalent of beige, it just washes the color right out of her.  This is definitely not her dress, alright, and after pondering I’m not sure it’s anyone’s dress.

      • Anonymous

        LMAO I hadn’t read any comments and just said the same thing!  Glad I’m not the only warped one who saw it as backwards. :)

    • Anonymous

      I’m not sure who’s dress this would be, frankly.  It’s so pin straight that it wouldn’t fit the curvy types either.  She definitely needs to go find a stylist who knows what to put on her body type and then call up Hilary Swank and offer to share.

    • Anonymous

      I’m not sure who’s dress this would be, frankly.  It’s so pin straight that it wouldn’t fit the curvy types either.  She definitely needs to go find a stylist who knows what to put on her body type and then call up Hilary Swank and offer to share.

      • Anna Maria Diamanti

        It would work on someone totally flat-chested. Then the top would have a little blouson effect and balance out the pin straight skirt. In other words, about .000001% of women could wear this.

        • Anonymous

          I know what you’re saying but I also tend to think this is kind of nobody’s dress. I can imagine it looking OK on the body you described, but then I imagine that body in fifty other (prettier) dresses.

    • Anonymous

      Sorry, uncles, not loving the chain mail ring.

      • http://onebluetree.blogspot.com/ Sara L.

        That’s no ring. It’s a SPACE STATION.

        • Anonymous

          SW humor FTW!

      • Alisa Rivera

        See, I like the ring, it’s the bag I can’t get behind. It’s like a high-end Trapper Keeper.

    • Anonymous

      Sorry, uncles, not loving the chain mail ring.

    • Anonymous

      Can we actually have a recurring post named “Girl, That is Not your Dress?”

    • Anonymous

      Can we actually have a recurring post named “Girl, That is Not your Dress?”

      • Stefanos Mantyla

        I actually assumed this was the start of a recurring theme just looking at the title of the post! Could it be?

    • Anonymous

      Maybe it work better if it was little shorter? What the hell is on her finger? Is it chain mail armor for your middle finger so when you flip someone the bird your digit will be protected?

    • Anonymous

      Maybe it work better if it was little shorter? What the hell is on her finger? Is it chain mail armor for your middle finger so when you flip someone the bird your digit will be protected?

    • Anonymous

      Wow, if this dress can make a body like hers look lumpy and bumpy, it came straight from hell and must be destroyed immediately. Roland, the fashion gods shall strike you down!

    • http://profiles.google.com/misslauraschultz Laura Schultz

      Disagree. I think it looks great!

    • http://www.facebook.com/WendyLKaufman Wendy Kaufman

      Blech, and that dress could have been slammin’ on her with only a few corrections up top. Long sleeves, cut in one with the top, and some sort of dart, or other thing to fix the weird wrinkles up top. 

      • http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

        Yeah, what is up with those wrinkles up top? Is it pulling, or not adjusted properly? Perhaps it’s the wrong size. Or maybe she really is wearing it backwards.

        If I put on a dress and that happened, I’d find another dress. Why is it that women who regularly walk the red carpet have no clue how to dress themselves, but normal women do it successfully most days of the week? It’s one of the great mysteries of life.

    • Anonymous

      I want that purse (handbag?)!

      As a broad shouldered busty gal myself I would never wear a dress with this type of “sleeves” she should know better

      That being said she has a slammin body so I’m still jealous!

    • Anonymous

      DYING for the clutch and the ring, and while we’re at it, her nail polish too. I inappropriately love all of them. The dress? Not so much. She’s still gorgeous, though.

    • Anonymous

      I am going to Tod’s website right now to check out that bag.

    • Anonymous

      I’d love to see a picture of this on a model, because it’s hard to imagine it looking right on anybody. And I like the dress! I just can’t see how it would actually fit anybody. (The color, though, seems pretty dull.)

      • Sara__B

        Red Carpet Fashion Awards pictures the runway version, probably back on page 2 or 3 by now.

        • Anonymous

          Thanks.

    • Anonymous

      The color is nice, but I hate that dress.  It’s ugly and I can’t think of anyone who would look good in it.

    • Anonymous

      I think it would have looked better in a lively color than taupe. Otherwise, I rather I like it. She’s got the rack to carry it off.

    • Anonymous

      The top looks, to me, like a weird pillow-slip – the fit is abominable.  Intentional?!?  ChristySchiff, I think you may have the answer.

      Hope this is the inauguration of a new sub-category for more incisive opinions from our Opinionation!

      All the best,

      NDC

    • MilaXX

      Yeah, so not her dress. Killer acessories though, esp that ring.

    • Anonymous

      Blech.  Hate the dress.  Hate the hair.  The shoes are hideous.  Make. It. Stop!

    • Ann Erickson

      It looks cozy, almost like a sleeveless snuggie or something. Also, that long ring thing looks like it might be from hot topic. Ew.

    • CQAussie

      Have iPad cover sleeves replaced actual handbags?

      • Anonymous

        Precisely what it looked like to me.

    • Sara__B

      The runway version is much looser, with ease at the neckline, waist, and hips. The dress would still be too boxy for her athletic build if it were a size larger, but at least she wouldn’t look stuffed and strangled. You’re right, guys. It’s not her dress.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_KLKIE5KG4N2DBAZ4GNAXTSQGXE sepi

      And it’s not her pose, either. Put me down as someone who is sick to death of the “slimming” trick of positioning hands or a clutch at the widest part of the hips. Girls, if you don’t HAVE hips to begin with, just don’t. And girls, if you are curvy, be curvy, dammit, unapologetically! 

    • Anonymous

      The cyborg finger has got to go.

    • Anonymous

      Agreed, totally not her dress.  The pulling on it is distracting as well.  

    • Anonymous

      I actually like this dress quite a bit. I’ve noticed a trend towards longer dresses, at least on this blog, and I like it. Harkens back to mid-century (the most recent one). And I’ve always preferred the grey equivalent to beige.

      But it’s obviously a modern look of our times, with the slammin’ envelope bag and the ‘space station’ ring and dark shimmer nail polish.

    • Anonymous

      I think it is amazing! So what, she has some ‘athletic shoulders.’ Just leave her be! There is no way that girl ever gets to enjoy anything but vegetables and vegan cheese AND she probably has to work out for hours a day to get those amazing shoulders. I would only be so lucky to look as good as she does, in this dress!

    • Anonymous

      that is my dress. give it to me!

    • Anonymous

      I feel like Christina Hendricks would rock this dress. Maybe shortened to the knees and with a belt added.

    • Anonymous

      It is a cool dress but on her it just looks ill fitting or poorly made (like it wasn’t cut properly).

      Love her bag, though.

    • Anonymous

      So how do you go around all night, unable to bend your finger because your ring is so big and straight?

    • Anonymous

      The dress simply doesn’t fit–on the top or the bottom.  I can’t understand how these super-rich celebs are willing to walk into the line of camera fire wearing clothes that fit badly. It amazes me every time.

      I do like the dress, although the neckline is a little busy, but not on her.  Also like the clutch.

      Hate the extensive toe cleavage on the shoes, which must hurt like hell every time you take a step.  Also hate the ring and hope that these pieces of digital armor will go away soon, along with mullet hems, putty shoes, and ridiculous platforms.  A girl can dream.

    • Judy_J

      I find nothing attractive about this dress…..nothing.

    • Now I am The Bee

      Nah–not a great dress.  I have a feeling this dress wouldn’t look good on anyone.  Drab & shapeless up top; too tight on the bottom.  Not good.  And even though I generally love Tod’s, this clutch is kinda ugly, too.  Just a “don’t” all ’round.   

    • Anonymous

      Love the ring. And her lipstick color. That is all.

    • Anonymous

      She’s too healthy for that dress.

      Someone like, maybe an emaciated Olsen twin, would werq that shit.

    • Anonymous

      That dress is terrible. I can’t imagine who it would be the “best” choice on.

    • Anonymous

      Is it a dress or a top and skirt?  The top half looks like its a too-small blouse put on backwards with all the weird pulling under her left armpit and across her right shoulder. Disagree with you boys on the skirt – love it. What bothers me the most is the toe cleavage with the pumps. I hate toe cleavage in pumps – makes you look like you have Hobbit-sized feet.

      That ring is really a secret agent stiletto to jab unwary paparazzi in the eye.

    • Anonymous

      I’m not sure anyone would look good in that dress. What the hell is going on with that drapey mess on the top?

    • margaret meyers

      Did she get new porcelein veneers?  She looks like she can’t close her mouth over the things.

      • Anonymous

        Not easy to stretch the skin on that upper lip either

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Catherine-Rhodes/602850414 Catherine Rhodes

      It’s not a “great dress” — it’s hideous and would unflattering on anyone.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_3AJ237ND3GAHDQJZ4TLCO4WLRA Emily

      That dress looks so uncomfortable and like it’s pulling at the top. SO not her dress.  Do love her accessories though.  Great bag.

    • Anonymous

      Black nail polish? Is she 12?

    • Anonymous

      Oh, and the blue fingernails, oy.

    • Anonymous

      Eh, that bag looks like a laptop case. 

    • Anonymous

      Interesting timing. Her bag is exactly the size of the one on Project Accessory that all the “expert” judges deemed to be too large for any woman to carry.

    • Anonymous

      It looks like a bandage made from a Civil War uniform. Not good

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mary-Stone/100001328135240 Mary Stone

      W00t for a new, much needed category :cheers:  I agree that this one makes a tall, slender, athletic girl look football-player chunky uptop.  Doing wierd “too tight” things across the chest too.

    • https://profiles.google.com/104791269167429064986 Judy S

      I like the clutch but I can see it might be a problem to choose something low-key enough to feature it. As you say, this dress ain’t it.
       

    • Anonymous

      I think this is a classic case of needing to go up a size. On the model (thanks for the link, BrooklynBomber!) everything is just a bit looser, just a bit longer, even the shoulders. That makes a world of difference.

    • Anonymous

      I love the dress. It’s a little too high in the armhole and a little too tight across the abs. Other than that its great. In.

    • Anonymous

      In other news, the shoes are to die. 

    • Anonymous

      I wonder who this dress would look good on.  

    • http://twitter.com/MFMblog MusingsFromManhattan

      That top looks so unflattering – I can’t imagine who it would look good on. Also, that is a laptop bag, not a purse

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think that’s ANYONE’s dress.  It’s such an odd shape…looks like she put it on backwards. 

      I do like the color combo, and love the bag!

    • Anonymous

      Looks like something that would have worked for Wallis Warfield Simpson.

    • Anonymous

      it looks like she forgot to tuck the collar interfacing in.

    • Anonymous

      It is pulling–weirdly–EVERYWHERE. Ick.

    • Christina Brennan

      Not to mention that her accessories are terrible, too.  That giant ring and clutch do not go well together, especially with that dress. Styled badly all around.

    • Anonymous

      Clown cheeks… 2 bright orange balls on her face.  lol.

      As for the dress, it would help if it were knee length, but I do agree that it’s not for her and is pulling weirdly everywhere, as HM3 mentioned V.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know whose dress this is (and I agree it’s not Jessica’s), but I think it’s gorgeous. Now, can we please talk about these shoes? Who wants to see this much toe cleavage anyway?
      Btw, I love this new feature, boys!

      • Lindsay Walter

        It’s definitely added a new phrase to my fashion lexicon.  Sadly, I had to say it to the Anthropologie fitting room mirror about eight times today to keep from buying a gorgeous holiday dress.  But I was able to put it back.  Thanks, TLo!

    • Anonymous

      Good to know.  You CAN make Jessica Biel look bad.  

    • Anonymous

      The ring reminds me of the ornate prosthetic finger Harvey Keitel made for Holly Hunter in The Piano.  So, creepy.

      I agree that the shape of this dress is doing her no favors but it might have worked if she’d gone up a size.  It’s too tight and is pulling on both the top and the bottom.  The clutch is fab but it is too big.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a clutch that size.  It looks like she’s carrying around a portfolio.   I usually loathe that shade of nail polish – it’s so teeny-bopper – but I kind of like it here.   I like the shoes but the extreme toe cleavage is problematic.  So close to an in but she doesn’t quite pull it off.

    • Anonymous

      The ring reminds me of the ornate prosthetic finger Harvey Keitel made for Holly Hunter in The Piano.  So, creepy.

      I agree that the shape of this dress is doing her no favors but it might have worked if she’d gone up a size.  It’s too tight and is pulling on both the top and the bottom.  The clutch is fab but it is too big.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a clutch that size.  It looks like she’s carrying around a portfolio.   I usually loathe that shade of nail polish – it’s so teeny-bopper – but I kind of like it here.   I like the shoes but the extreme toe cleavage is problematic.  So close to an in but she doesn’t quite pull it off.

    • Anonymous

      I know this is a fashion blog but I’m astounded at the lack of comment on her extremely chiseled nose and inflated (I mean inflated like with helium) lips. 
      Anybody?

      • Anonymous

        You are so right… Can’t ever see past her horrible (and no doubt horribly unnecessary) plastic surgery.  Not very healthy at all.

        • Anonymous

          Amen, and she was so cute before she started messing with her face.

    • Anonymous

      I can actually hear the stylist’s reasoning behind this dress: “the top hides her shoulders, the tight bottom accentuates her hips”. It’s just that they forgot to do it the right way. Also, most people can’t wreq grey, even most stars. And she’s one of them.

    • http://twitter.com/RobertSanchez36 Robert Sanchez

      Nice that she tried something different, and in a longer length, but it doesn’t suit her figure at all. Terrible neckline, and why is it pulling across her small hips? I’d hate to see it on someone with a curvier figure.

    • Anonymous

      Oh my fugging god. No. Plus, if she’s looking so hipless in this thing, how is it pulling around her hips?

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F73LIJ3SJGI5AJQMXMWXCKILHI Pamela

      Hate the dress.  Looks like it was put on backwards.

    • terekirkland

      Ugh, what happened to her boobs? Did this fit the runway model this poorly?

    • terekirkland

      Great bag, though.

    • http://jessieliz.wordpress.com/ Super Red

      I actually really love the top part on her– in the thumbnail for this post she looks really beautiful. It’s the length of the hem and how tight it is across her hips that kills it. If this was a blouse over some jeans, or if it had a fuller, shorter skirt, this would be fabulous.  

    • foodycat

      Why is her hair so dark? She looks so much prettier with a lighter colour. And does the ring indicate that she is a teensy bit Sasha Fierce? I think that is Tilda Swinton’s dress.

    • Anonymous

      Bad on so many levels: awful color, toe cleavage, hair, neckline. Honey, please go throw on one of Victoria’s dresses if you want a sophisticated look.

    • Anonymous

      As a straight girl, mother and entertainer, Jessica Biel is one of the few women who I almost lust over. I’ve never expressed this sentiment about a woman (and rarely about a man) before but, dang, have you seen the ass on her? Oh my gosh, she’s gorgeous.

      But yes, completely agree that this isn’t her dress.

    • Anonymous

      I, personally, love everything about this look. I think the color really suits her. She looks effortlessly chic and really really pretty.

    • Anonymous

      oooh child, this is baaaaaaad

    • Anonymous

      oooh child, this is baaaaaaad

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_UG4ZUN6WRU57HLCAUKDFKWKCLY Allison

      I guess I don’t mind her nails.

    • Kyle Crawford

      ” It’s been a bad day, please don’t take my picture….”

    • Lisa

      I don’t even think it’s that great of a dress.  It doesn’t look like it fits her – is it two piece?  Because it looks like the bottom half is pulling across her hips, and the top part looks boxy.  Plus, it’s a hideous color.

    • Anonymous

      Is that bunching across the hips intended?  Weird….

    • Anonymous

      Wait a minute. Is it supposed to look like that? Why is it supposed to look like that? Why would anyone wear it? Even for free?

    • http://www.facebook.com/amy.ennis Amy LeBaron Ennis

      I love that ring, though!

    • Anonymous

      It looks like it just doesn’t fit her. That bag is cool, though.

    • Velvet Goldmine

      When a dress doesn’t even look good on Jessica Biel, who CAN wear it?

    • Anonymous

      oh dear.  no way.  why would she go out like that??  she and i have very similar body types, with broad shoulders and narrow hips (though mine cannot compare to her’s in fine tuning), and it’s frustrating to dress at times, but… geeze.  somebody had to see that this just wasn’t right.  (some women *don’t* have curves, k?)

    • Anonymous

      that is the boot leg cut version of that dress maybe? 

    • http://asskickingadviser.com/ Ass Kicking Adviser

      Me. It belongs on me. Make her go away I implore you and give that killer dress to me.