CHRISTINA MARIA AGUILERA!
What is WRONG with you, girl?
Christina Aguilera attends “The Voice” Press Conference at Sony Pictures Studios in Culver City, California in a L’Agence blouse and Dolce & Gabbana skirt. Belt by Barbara Bui. Boots by Alexandre Birman.
We can tell you right now what’s wrong with you. Like all judgmental gays, we learned at a very young age, when we were traipsing through bars and giggling like our shit didn’t stink and we’d never get a wrinkle, how to assess someone from head to toe, surreptitiously, out of the corner of our eyes, and in under 10 seconds. Back in the day we used this skill, like all young bitchy gays do, to determine who was worth sleeping with. Today we use this skill to tell celebrities why they look like shit.
Anyway, what’s wrong with you? YOU HAVE NO GAYS YOU CAN TRUST. We don’t doubt that there are gays buzzing around the Aguilera sphere and no doubt some of them are even on the payroll. But Christina Maria, we’re here to tell you, THOSE BITCHES DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU. If they cared about you, they would have stopped you before you hit the door. Honey, if we were your gays, we would have TACKLED you to prevent you from getting in your limo. This is so wrong it’s causing pre-migraines and eye twitches. You are an internationally famous recording star and you look like you work at a cart in the mall that sells skull jewelry and customized Zippos. YOU ARE GETTING YOUR PICTURE TAKEN RIGHT NOW, GIRL. Do you even UNDERSTAND that? Fire your gays immediately. They don’t love you like we do.
[Photo Credit: Andrew Evans/PR Photos]