We’re rolling up our sleeves, cracking our knuckles and doing some preliminary stretches. You should too, darlings. We’ve got a metric shit-ton of celebrities to criticize and we don’t want any of you to strain yourselves. Ready? Warmed up? Let’s DO THIS.
It’s so very not our style, but we would be perfectly happy saying complimentary things about this look if only it fit him better. He’s a bit sausage-y in this getup.
Oh, sweetie. This is drab, boring, and not very flattering.
This, on the other hand, is crazy fun. We’ll even allow for matchy accessories.
Pretty. Nothing earth-shattering, of course. And we don’t even like red lace. But it’s inoffensive.
Audrina Patridge in Joey Tierney
Stripper shoes, cutouts, and babyhead boobs. Pure class all the way.
Counselor Troi hitting the clubs because she’s horny.
Bottom heavy and boring.
Cheryl Hines in Lorena Sarbu
Blah dress and cheap-looking shoes.
Christa B. Allen
It’s all right. We don’t actually love the shoes, but we salute her attempt to not match them too closely to the dress.
Ellie Goulding in Christopher Kane
If it weren’t for the plastic and the bared skin, we’d think this looked business-y. It needs way more interesting accessories and something needs to be done with the hair.
This couldn’t possibly be any more boring. We’re about to black out from boredom just looking at —
Heidi Klum in Giles
Apparently, tight, short and shiny is no longer enough for the Heidster. She had to add “underwear-baring” to the list.
Hillary Scott in Rani Zakhem
Kitten, a contrasting belt and purse with an up ‘do would have taken this dress places.
Jennifer Hudson in Jenny Packham
It’s a cute dress, but she’s making the mistake lately of wearing things too high-waisted for her build.
Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad
It’s divatastic, we’ll give it that. At this stage in her career, it’s all about maximum impact, which is why she performed that drag revue onstage later in the evening. Don’t you worry; we’ll be running down that and most of the other stage looks in a later post.
Jennifer Morrison in Temperley London
The bottom half of this dress doesn’t feel like it goes with the top half. Cute bodice, but that hem is unfortunate. Also, she’s too washed out to be wearing an all-white dress.
Jenny McCarthy in Victoria Beckham
Cute and surprisingly understated. We would not have chosen those shoes for her, however.
John, you used to dress so impeccably. What happened? The jacket and pants are both too tight and the latter needs hemming. Also, a contrasting shirt, please.
This is the dress equivalent of an airbrushed van.
Julie Bowen in Manish Arora
WOW! What a supercute holiday party dress! What a boring pair of shoes.
Sorry, but it’s the first thing that popped up when we saw him and now we can’t think of anything else to say.
Katherine Heigl in Roberto Cavalli
There’s a fine line separating chic, pretty greys and drab greys. We think this dress, while fine in every other aspect, is just over the line on the drab side. We also think her hair’s a bit severe.
Katy Perry in Vivienne Westwood
She looks gorgeous, but that was the wrong shoe.
You are A GAY, Lance Bass. You should not be wearing ill-fitted suits that badly need a good 3 inches taken off the pants hem. You should be setting an example, as A GAY, to the rest of those poor slobs on the red carpet.
The gays are very, very disappointed with you, Lance Bass. Maybe you and Lambert can start your own “Gays in badly fitted suits” club or something.
Mary J. Blige in Roberto Cavalli
O Mary J. Blige we love you get up, but we don’t think this dress is very flattering from a color perspective. You look a bit washed out, girl.
Nicki Minaj in Oscar de la Renta
Taylor Swift in Reem Acra
Whatever. Surprisingly shapeless. She’s a girl who loves her flounces and frills.
[Photo Credit: Andrew Stevens/PR Photos]