The A-List: Moldavian Massacre!!!

Posted on October 04, 2011

This is it! The big fat finale! Storylines that fizzle out and/or don’t make a fucking lick of sense! Hit it, you ridiculous pack of rabid queens! And one black girl!

Austin, Jake and two awkward guys posing as their friends get into a pink limo that looks like a vinyl vagina on the inside. Austin, ever the doyenne of taste, declares it a “sick, sweet ride”and is rubbing his balls and bare ass on the fine Corinthian vinyl within seconds. The driver silently doubles his fee while checking to make sure he still has that bottle of Lysol in the glove compartment.

In Atlantic City, Rodiney, Reichen, Ryan,and Derek are at the hotel spa lounging around in fluffy towels and dishing on everyone who isn’t with them; namely, Nyasha and Austin. Reichen reveals that Nyasha criticized his attempt at launching a music career, with the worldwide smash “I Love You Up to the Sky.” Remember that one, kittens? How it sweeped the Grammys last year?  “I never said I was great,”offers Reichen weakly, which is probably the wisest and most accurate thing he’s ever said. The topic moves on to Austin and how they’re all going to make sure he knows that he is totally not invited to sit at their table in the cafeteria next semester. Everyone agrees that Austin is a horrible person and was never a friend to any of them, unlike the tight knit circle of love they all currently inhabit.  “This what I trying to tell people for so long!” says Rodiney. Suddenly, the deep bonds of friendship and respect show strain because Reichen and Rodiney are getting annoyed with each other for no apparent reason. Perhaps they both gave of some sort of pheromone or maybe their asses lit up like fireflies. Whatever set them off, it was subtle, complex, and known only to them.

In New York, Mike has a life and doesn’t give a shit about the others. He and Margaret Cho discuss uncircumcised cocks.

Nyasha is checking the venue where she’ll be performing, a shitty, generic ballroom which she nonetheless characterizes as having a “very sexy jungle lush feel” because she spots several plastic potted plants in each corner. “I’m from Africa,” she says, “So…” The thought remains unfinished, her meaning crystal clear only to herself. She rehearses with her backup dancers on a stage the size of a dining table. She tells us that this is her shot to “catapult my career.” Over a wall, dear?

Austin and Jake are taking a bubble bath. Remarkably, neither of them fart. Austin does, however, threaten to punch Jake in the throat.

Reichen and Rodiney are skateboarding on the boardwalk, an activity perfectly suited for their maturity levels and intellect. They decide to stop and talk because they can’t do both at the same time. Reichen asks Rodiney if he’s going to continue to date girls. Rodiney informs us that, “I can have both and he don’t. So, I’m win!” They then declare that they’re both perfect and that’s why their relationship didn’t work out. We imagine this is a form of reasoning they each utilize often. “I’m perfect, which explains why I have no marketable job skills.” “I’m perfect, which explains why “I Love You Up to the Sky” was such a joke.”

Austin, Jake, and their two awkward friends attend Cirque de Soleil. Hat friend starts squeezing Jake’s tits as a show of support for gay marriage rights. Jake pleads with Austin to not start hitting him.

Back in New York, Mike and Martin are crying a lot and shattering the last lingering illusion that they have any sense of dignity. Their bitchy gay waiter is just outside of camera range doing a finger-down-the-throat gesture and rolling his eyes.

Reichen and Ryan decide to have a summit meeting with Austin. They inform him that they are APPALLED and DISGUSTED to hear that Austin’s husband cheated on him and therefore, they don’t want to be friends with him anymore. The cameraman and sound guy look at each other, mouth

“What the FUCK?” and shrug. Austin hits his mark and starts sobbing. Or something. It mostly sounded like a car backing up over some sort of animal that brays and speaks out of its nose. “It hurts so ba-ha-ha-ha-had!!!!” says Austin. He checks out of the corner of his eye to see if the camera is on him. “It’s time to change,” says Ryan for some reason, closing with the old
parable of Whitney and Bobby in order to teach Austin an Important Lesson About Life. Are these two gum-smackers seriously telling Austin they’ll only be friends with him if he divorces his husband? Reichen’s afraid of what Austin is going to do next, but if he didn’t beat the shit out of the two of them after dropping that little bullshit bomb then it’s safe to say his motor skills left the building after his tenth beer.

It’s NYASHA LIVE! One shitty generic dance song performed on a stage about 18 inches off the ground and about 6 square feet total! With shitty choreography that makes all three ladies look like they’re in cage matches with imaginary opponents! Nyasha is dressed in a costume provided by the KMart Christmas department and the hot glue gun industry, while the backup dancers are dressed like Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. The show is over in 3 and a half minutes. The crowd is thankful for that. Nyasha’s career has been effectively catapulted.

Jake and Austin get faux-fucked by a stripper and the show reaches new heights of quality in the process.

Ryan, Reichen, Rodiney, and Derek go to a tacky restaurant and look at Austin’s Facebook page. They call all the other girls in the cheerleading squad and tell them to look too. They are all NONPLUSSED that Austin would allow a filthy stripper to touch him and then to post the pictures on the internet. “It’s almost criminal!” huffs Reichen, hoping that no one mentions his jerkoff pictures. They all decide that they totally can’t be Austin’s friends anymore. Didn’t they decide this about thirty times this episode? “By no means am I not saying I’m not Austin’s friend today” says Ryan, making absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Austin meets with Jake on the boardwalk with his serious face. What’s this “meet me on the boardwalk” nonsense? Aren’t they already spending all their time together? Did Austin slip him a note in their hotel room or something? They re-affirm their love for each other in a touching moment that they will look back on for decades to come. “Fuck those bitches,” says Austin tenderly in Jake’s ear.

[Screencaps: tomandlorenzo.com]

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Helio-Trope/100000175140677 Helio Trope

    Is this a real show?

  • Anonymous

    TLo, did you have to bathe your brains in bleach after watching this show?  I don’t how you boys managed to choke this crap down all season.  

  • http://www.gregmce.com Greg McE

    ““Fuck those bitches,” says Austin tenderly in Jake’s ear.”
     
    When I write the Great American (Gay) Novel, this is how I’m ending it.

  • Anonymous

    RE: Nyasha’s venue-I had no idea Motel 6 had conference rooms.

    • Scott Hester-Johnson

      Thanks for making me break out laughing in the middle of the office. A+, Pippity.

  • Anonymous

    Words escape me……you guys don’t give any credit where credit is due..this is the best comedy on TV this year….anyone catch Dereks “Jean Harlow” look from next weeks reunion previews?……finally it’ll be done, but I’m sure LOGO will top itself with Dallas..I don’t plan on watching unless you guys review it.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I saw the platinum blonde locks on Derek in the preview!  Honestly, I didn’t think anything could make him look more sinister and evil, but he looks like a Gay Nazi Dominatrix now! At least now he and Ryan can share their peroxide…looks like it came out of the same bottle!

      • Anonymous

        LOL!!!..he IS a Nazi Dominatrix…and Ryan is Frau Blucher……( whinneeeeeeee…………….)

  • Anonymous

    “Tlo said: They then declare that they’re both perfect and that’s why their relationship didn’t work out. We imagine this is a form of reasoning they each utilize often.”

    And I think they’ve unknowingly hit the target: They are so pretty they have had everything handed to them all their lives and so have that sense of entitlement that very pretty people have. Then they collided with each other, each shallow as a petri dish and each never having had to work at anything – leaving them perplexed. How does a relationship work between two people who have always been catered too?

    –GothamTomato

    • Terence Ng

      To be fair, petri dishes are pretty deep to bacteria. I’d say they’re all as shallow as a compact disc.

      • Anonymous

        But compact discs are generally full of entertainment from people with actual, so that’s not right either. Maybe shallow as the oil spot under your car. Then again, that oil was, at one time, useful, so that’s not right either…

        –GothamTomato

        • Joshau Norton

          As shallow as a puddle in a parking lot.

  • Anonymous

    “Tlo said: Austin hits his mark and starts sobbing. Or something. It mostly sounded like a car backing up over some sort of animal that brays and speaks out of its nose.”

    Yeah, you’ve got to feel for poor Austin. For someone who drinks so much, he’s awfully dehydrated: Lots of sobbing but not one tear. His crying was worse than Nyasha’s lip-synching – and that’s saying a lot! She’s lucky she wasn’t lip-synching for her life.

    –GothamTomato

    • Anonymous

      They ALL drink too much….Ilike my cocktails mind you, but ever notice how bleary they all look? Especially Reichen…..next stop fro these famewhores: Intervention….

      • Anonymous

        No, I think their agents are desperately trying to get them on Dr Drew’s Celebrity Rehab.

        –GothamTomato

  • Terence Ng

    …Then they all died in a warehouse fire.

    • Anonymous

      *giggle*

  • Amanda B

    I wonder if this show isn’t funded by an anti-LGBTQ organization so they can illustrate what awful people those gays are. My brain finds it very difficult to compute why anyone would want to waste film on this sort of garbage otherwise.

    • Anonymous

      And here I was, thinking it was Americans for Horrible Stereotypes that sponsored this mess.  I think you’re onto something, Amanda.

  • Anonymous

    Gentlemen, your work here is done.

    [Edited, cause I can't type.]

  • http://twitter.com/karenwalsh Karen Walsh

    Sad, sad, pathetic famewhores.  I tire of them.  But what do I think of TLo? You know I love you up to the sky and I can have both and he don’t, so, I’m win!!

  • Judy Raddue

    Okay, now I HAVE to watch!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jared-C-Wood/1483120929 Jared C. Wood

    This was the weirdest episode of the weirdest show in modern television history. Mike doesn’t want to get married, but in twenty minutes he proposes marriage. Nyasha’s big moment in the sun (the AFRICAN sun), a main arc in this series, lasts 3 minutes. Ryan, who supposedly was a mob wife, lectures Austin on integrity(?!). Austin and Jake have incredibly skeevy friends (methinks that a 4-way was going down at the Atlantic City Econo-Lodge). Wait…Austin and Jake HAVE friends(!?). Margaret Cho was saved as the “big get” for the season (series?) finale. I just can’t with these basic bitches. From the obvious script readings to the vacant stares, the only realness of this episode was the absence of T.J.[Hooker]. The people of Logo finally acknowledge our economic situation by alluding to T.J.’s financial difficulties—that queen could not AFFORD to go to Atlantic Titty (at least that what I assume-and assuming makes and ass out of you). I will have to skip the Dallas version because I cannot support this series any longer. It was all fun and games until someone got hurt, and by hurt, I mean repulsed.

    • MilaXX

      that exactly what they are basic. Still I ain’t gonna lie, I will be watching A-list Dallas.

      • Anonymous

        I am going to avoid A List Dallas. It looks even worse than this series. I stuck with this one, and I will watch again if they get rid of Nyasha. But I don’t want to get into the habit of watching the Dallas version. More bad stereotypes, and more people which I will quickly grow not to care about. The NY version was fun last season, and this season completely went off the rails. But it gets one more chance if they dump the African Queen.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1483239589 Martin Daly

    The only reason I watch this is so that I can read your re-caps!  They are funny, insightful and accurate — and did I mention funny?!  I laugh out loud and “vapid famewhores” is now part of my lexicon.  I agree with another commenter — I will only watch A List Dallas if you guys are reviewing it.  Thanks!

  • Anonymous

    us lebesians are so much more wholesome: we walk the dogs!  we take the cats to the vet!  we volunteer on non-profit websites! we knit!  we have lesbian bed death!  we are in touch with our spirituality!  we pack our own lunches!  we totally deserve screen time on SkyAngel.

    • Anonymous

      I shudder to think of the cliches that logo would trot out if Logo did us the “honor” of a similar series.

      • Anonymous

        It would probably be sponsored by U-Haul.

  • Scott Hester-Johnson

    I am completely spent by this season, so I have next to nothing to add, except in re Mike Ruiz:

    What?! NO FUCKING RING?!?! Surely you have saved up enough of your vast earnings from your highly popular Mike Ruiz t-shirt line, no? What kind of cheap ass bitch proposes with no ring?

    I cannot express how relieved I am that our long, gay national nightmare is almost at an end.

    What?

    A-LIST DALLAS!?!?! Noooooooooooo!

  • Anonymous

    If only these creatures would just go away. The sad fact is LOGO will rerun this series until the end of time. This program was just sad. In fact, the entire LOGO network is just sad. We finally get a network that, after three years, is still nothing more than infomercials and ruruns of Buffy. I must admit I only saw the Nyasha performance and that was enought. Went back to watching PAN AM via ONDEMAND,

    • Anonymous

      Don’t forget that the ads for vodka and the douche for your “backdoor”…..I was agog and agape after that ad…..ugh….more stereotypes..

  • MilaXX

    Nyasha is one hot talentless mess. Those plastic weaves just…I can’t. Ryan continues to stir shit. Austin continues to be a drunken cry baby. Reichen is stupid, Rodiney continues to mangle the English language. Mike is collecting a check and if the reunion previews are any indication Derek has decided to further uglify himself by dying his hair blonde.

  • Anonymous

    “THESE STRIPPERS HUMPING US ARE UPSETTING ME SO MUCH I NEED TO LEAVE SO I CAN GO BACK TO OUR ROOM AND POST THE PICTURES ON MY FACEBOOK!” 

    Also, “Facebook”.

  • Anonymous

    Well, I’ll miss the T.Lo recaps, which seem to be the only reason for this show’s existence.

    • Anonymous

      Another reason not to watch A List Dallas. I think TLo said they refused to cover that mess after this NY’s season which turned out to be downright ugly and depressing.

  • Joshua

    I hope for your sakes you aren’t going to watch the reunion. At least last season had some morbid novelty to it. I can’t believe I am still here watching it with you.

  • Anonymous

    Oh my GOD, I love how delightfully “butch” Ryan and Reichen look in that pic of them talking seriously (snort) to Austin.  “Your husband cheated on you so we can’t be your friends.”  YES!  That’s how friends are supposed to act when one is having a crisis, amirite?
    And I bet Austin and Jake DID fart.  Silly boys, that’s where the bubbles came from!

    And thanks SO much for that shot of Nyasha’s cooter.  That is exactly what I needed in my life.  Now where is the gasoline and the matches?  And who rented the warehouse?

  • http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

    “By no means am I not saying I’m not Austin’s friend today” says Ryan, making absolutely no sense whatsoever.”

    Oh wow. It’s the coveted triple negative! That’s not an easy thing to achieve.

    I’ve never watched a second of this show, but your recaps are addictive, TLo. And you’ve demonstrated your amazing dedication to your readers by sticking with this show through to the end, even though it appears to be the worst thing that’s ever been on television. Your sacrifice will become legendary.

  • Anonymous

    I am permanently removing the following sentence from my vocabulary:

             ” I am doing XYZ to show my support for ABC”

    Thank you for your support.
     

  • Anonymous
  • Sara__B

    What! No Moldavian Massacre! What a shame, but I can’t be too disappointed since your recap was so funny.

  • Michael Cornett

    I want so bad to do a parody of this like “Reno 911″ or “Police Squad.” Have Nyasha’s wigs made from mops! Have background characters literally gagging! Have them stop and stare at each other after incomprehensible dialogue! It would be a hit!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_L4IFPFFEDCL4PYWBU654VDA6OQ jjkalifornia

    What happened to Derek?  He’s all bloated and just AWFUL looking this season.  What a difference a year makes when you’re shooting yourself up with steroids apparently.  And make sure you check out his craptastic Tansxl website he tossed together in five minutes…how does he seriously think he’s going to have a NYC storefront that sells only one (overpriced) product?  Bitch you dumb!  

  • Anonymous

    Hey guys, was browsing another site and found this photo taken at the NYC HustlaBall:

    http://www.queerty.com/photos-porn-gods-galore-descend-upon-new-york-for-hustlaball-2011-20111012/5/

    Tell me if I’m wrong…but isn’t that Little Fluffer Dude whose name escapes me???

    Okay, on this one I might be seeing things, but this sure looks like that Duncan dude who dated Derek for about a nanosecond:

    http://www.queerty.com/photos-porn-gods-galore-descend-upon-new-york-for-hustlaball-2011-20111012/6/