The A-List: Moldavian Massacre!!!

Posted on October 04, 2011

This is it! The big fat finale! Storylines that fizzle out and/or don’t make a fucking lick of sense! Hit it, you ridiculous pack of rabid queens! And one black girl!

Austin, Jake and two awkward guys posing as their friends get into a pink limo that looks like a vinyl vagina on the inside. Austin, ever the doyenne of taste, declares it a “sick, sweet ride”and is rubbing his balls and bare ass on the fine Corinthian vinyl within seconds. The driver silently doubles his fee while checking to make sure he still has that bottle of Lysol in the glove compartment.

In Atlantic City, Rodiney, Reichen, Ryan,and Derek are at the hotel spa lounging around in fluffy towels and dishing on everyone who isn’t with them; namely, Nyasha and Austin. Reichen reveals that Nyasha criticized his attempt at launching a music career, with the worldwide smash “I Love You Up to the Sky.” Remember that one, kittens? How it sweeped the Grammys last year?  “I never said I was great,”offers Reichen weakly, which is probably the wisest and most accurate thing he’s ever said. The topic moves on to Austin and how they’re all going to make sure he knows that he is totally not invited to sit at their table in the cafeteria next semester. Everyone agrees that Austin is a horrible person and was never a friend to any of them, unlike the tight knit circle of love they all currently inhabit.  “This what I trying to tell people for so long!” says Rodiney. Suddenly, the deep bonds of friendship and respect show strain because Reichen and Rodiney are getting annoyed with each other for no apparent reason. Perhaps they both gave of some sort of pheromone or maybe their asses lit up like fireflies. Whatever set them off, it was subtle, complex, and known only to them.

In New York, Mike has a life and doesn’t give a shit about the others. He and Margaret Cho discuss uncircumcised cocks.

Nyasha is checking the venue where she’ll be performing, a shitty, generic ballroom which she nonetheless characterizes as having a “very sexy jungle lush feel” because she spots several plastic potted plants in each corner. “I’m from Africa,” she says, “So…” The thought remains unfinished, her meaning crystal clear only to herself. She rehearses with her backup dancers on a stage the size of a dining table. She tells us that this is her shot to “catapult my career.” Over a wall, dear?

Austin and Jake are taking a bubble bath. Remarkably, neither of them fart. Austin does, however, threaten to punch Jake in the throat.

Reichen and Rodiney are skateboarding on the boardwalk, an activity perfectly suited for their maturity levels and intellect. They decide to stop and talk because they can’t do both at the same time. Reichen asks Rodiney if he’s going to continue to date girls. Rodiney informs us that, “I can have both and he don’t. So, I’m win!” They then declare that they’re both perfect and that’s why their relationship didn’t work out. We imagine this is a form of reasoning they each utilize often. “I’m perfect, which explains why I have no marketable job skills.” “I’m perfect, which explains why “I Love You Up to the Sky” was such a joke.”

Austin, Jake, and their two awkward friends attend Cirque de Soleil. Hat friend starts squeezing Jake’s tits as a show of support for gay marriage rights. Jake pleads with Austin to not start hitting him.

Back in New York, Mike and Martin are crying a lot and shattering the last lingering illusion that they have any sense of dignity. Their bitchy gay waiter is just outside of camera range doing a finger-down-the-throat gesture and rolling his eyes.

Reichen and Ryan decide to have a summit meeting with Austin. They inform him that they are APPALLED and DISGUSTED to hear that Austin’s husband cheated on him and therefore, they don’t want to be friends with him anymore. The cameraman and sound guy look at each other, mouth

“What the FUCK?” and shrug. Austin hits his mark and starts sobbing. Or something. It mostly sounded like a car backing up over some sort of animal that brays and speaks out of its nose. “It hurts so ba-ha-ha-ha-had!!!!” says Austin. He checks out of the corner of his eye to see if the camera is on him. “It’s time to change,” says Ryan for some reason, closing with the old
parable of Whitney and Bobby in order to teach Austin an Important Lesson About Life. Are these two gum-smackers seriously telling Austin they’ll only be friends with him if he divorces his husband? Reichen’s afraid of what Austin is going to do next, but if he didn’t beat the shit out of the two of them after dropping that little bullshit bomb then it’s safe to say his motor skills left the building after his tenth beer.

It’s NYASHA LIVE! One shitty generic dance song performed on a stage about 18 inches off the ground and about 6 square feet total! With shitty choreography that makes all three ladies look like they’re in cage matches with imaginary opponents! Nyasha is dressed in a costume provided by the KMart Christmas department and the hot glue gun industry, while the backup dancers are dressed like Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. The show is over in 3 and a half minutes. The crowd is thankful for that. Nyasha’s career has been effectively catapulted.

Jake and Austin get faux-fucked by a stripper and the show reaches new heights of quality in the process.

Ryan, Reichen, Rodiney, and Derek go to a tacky restaurant and look at Austin’s Facebook page. They call all the other girls in the cheerleading squad and tell them to look too. They are all NONPLUSSED that Austin would allow a filthy stripper to touch him and then to post the pictures on the internet. “It’s almost criminal!” huffs Reichen, hoping that no one mentions his jerkoff pictures. They all decide that they totally can’t be Austin’s friends anymore. Didn’t they decide this about thirty times this episode? “By no means am I not saying I’m not Austin’s friend today” says Ryan, making absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Austin meets with Jake on the boardwalk with his serious face. What’s this “meet me on the boardwalk” nonsense? Aren’t they already spending all their time together? Did Austin slip him a note in their hotel room or something? They re-affirm their love for each other in a touching moment that they will look back on for decades to come. “Fuck those bitches,” says Austin tenderly in Jake’s ear.

[Screencaps: tomandlorenzo.com]

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