RZP: And I was like Baby Baby Baby

Posted on September 07, 2011

It’s a year later in ZoeLand. Rachel’s mildly pregnant, Rodger’s Bieber hair is even more Bieber, and Brad is the new Tay. How do we know she’s pregnant?

“Welcome to the world of pregnancy.”
“Baby, you know my pregnancy requirements.”
“I’m pregnant and tired.”
“I’m knocked up.”
“I’m super-pregnant.”

And that’s just in the FIRST FIVE MINUTES. She proceeds to remind us that she’s pregnant about 40 more times over the next hour. We don’t blame her for thinking people need reminding since she’s six months along and has a baby bump the size of a large pimple. As she sips her pregnancy breakfast of water with a splash of cranberry juice, she informs us that her company has expanded exponentially even if her stomach has not. There are four divisions now: Her styling business, her fashion design business, something called “Rachel Zoe Digital” and we kind of nodded off for a second when she mentioned the fourth. “Rachel Zoe Whining, Inc.” or something like that.

We also find out that she’s having a boy and she cried for a week when she found out because he won’t be going to couture shows with her in Paris. Moms, isn’t that just the way? Don’t you hate it when you have a child and he won’t go to the Paris  couture shows with you? One thing’s for sure, in defiance of all the science on the matter, Rachel’s gonna work like crazy to turn her baby boy gay. There’ll be a disco ball and a poster of Karl Lagerfeld over his crib for sure.

We also meet her new staff. Mandana, who looks just like Taylor except with black hair, is the Vice-President of the company, a role Rachel sums up as “Execubitch,” setting back feminism about 30 years in the process. Rachel uses the word “transitioning” in a sentence, which is just so very Rachel, isn’t it? She’s “transitioning from a stylist to a designer” and has a new collection coming out, which she will be showing to buyers and editors weeks before Fashion Week, because – did she mention? – she’s pregnant.

Then, Rachel discusses The Brad Issue. Apparently, Brad punched her in the face and stole all her jewelry before skipping out of town. Or maybe he burned her house down and slept with her husband. Whatever he did, it’s really bad and Rachel is really hurt by it and Rodger is really worried for her. Then we find out the horrible crime Brad committed is wanting to work, but not for her. People are supposed to take a job with Rachel and do it forever. And if they can’t hack it, they should leave town and work in a CVS somewhere but they should NEVER leave her employ and apply their skills to the same position elsewhere. You style for Rachel Zoe or you don’t style at all.

Brad’s upcoming Bravo show is curiously not mentioned. The fact that Brad hurt her, however, is mentioned about as much as her pregnancy is.

The Zoes have a photo shoot for Elle magazine and it’s supposed to be a “John and Yoko” theme, with “Yoko” in Givenchy couture and “John” in Tom Ford pajamas, proving that no one involved in this shoot has any idea who John and Yoko are. It’s just fashion shorthand for “take a picture of a couple in bed.” Rachel observes, “You can’t suck in your stomach with a baby.” Words of wisdom.

We meet Jeremiah who’s up for a styling assistant job. He’s cute and plays to the camera, which means he’s obviously got the job. Rodger pretends he’s Mr. Executive Man and Rachel laughs and cuts his balls off right in front of Jeremiah, who never once breaks eye contact with her. That queen knows which side his bread is buttered: the Rachel side.

Oh shut up. You try and come up with pithy phrases writing about this stuff.

Marisa, Director of Operations of Zoe Worldwide Ltd. is looking at houses with Rodger. A cute real estate agent takes them to a typical LA manse and Rodger complains endlessly because they’ll have to furnish the house. It’s all too much for him and he wants to go back to the office and play grownup again. He makes Marisa promise not to tell Rachel about the house because he knows her impractical side will love it. Marisa laughs and cuts Rodger’s balls off on camera by immediately going to Rachel and showing her pictures of the house. Rodger protests, Rachel threatens to take his Gold Card away, and the matter is settled.

Then: Disaster Strikes! A client has a film premiere in LA the same day Rachel is supposed to be in New York showing her collection. She quickly attempts to devise a plan that will allow her to be in two places at once. As she’s sketching diagrams of wormholes and working out complicated mathematical equations, Rodger takes her in his arms and tells her that the baby is all that matters. She looks doubtful and orders Marisa to build a time machine for her.

Rodger wants to interview more people for the styling assistant job because he’s a glutton for punishment and still hasn’t realized that Rachel’s collection of women and gay men working for her will never look at Rodger as anything but an affable sperm donor.  Ashley comes in to be interviewed. She kisses major ass. Rodger thinks she’s just like Rachel when she was that age. Rachel says the same thing. Rodger excitedly mentions that she looks like Rachel did at 24. He’s not too bright, is he? Suddenly, Rachel has doubts about her and hires Jeremiah instead, because it’s fairly unlikely that Rodger will attempt to sleep with him.

Rachel is shopping with her slaves to “get inspiration” for her line, i.e., looking for dresses to rip off. They head to a boutique, rip things off the racks, throw them together in the middle of the store, ooh and aah over how brilliant they all are, and then leave empty handed. Off camera, shop girls give the departing group the finger.

Later, Rachel is whining over her impossible schedule. “You have two babies,” says Marisa. “Your line is baby number one and number two is … your baby-baby.” Rachel looks confused but accepts that her baby comes in second to her fashion career.

Jeremiah shows up for his first day working at Zoe Widgets International, Inc. and is ordered to steam all the clothes, because “Rachel hates wrinkles on anything. It’s kind of like her condensation phobia.” This would be the point for any sane person to run screaming from this job, but Jeremiah’s cute and he gets to be on camera, so that’s good enough for him. Condensation phobias are a small price to pay for small-scale fame.

Rachel tries on the samples from her collection. “This is amazing,” says Rachel. “It is amazing,” agrees Jeremiah, quickly learning what his real job responsibilities are. The rest of the girls in the office roll their eyes behind his back and make “jerkoff”motions. Rachel continues her assessment of the collection and proves to the world that she’s moved on from “bananas.”

“It’s gorgeous.”
“It’s insane.”
“It’s not normal.”
“I’m not gonna lie, this really excites me.”

None of them will become her new catchphrase. Various assistants make notes.

Jeremiah describes his first day at Rachel Zoe International Consulting by over-using his adjectives: “It’s incredibly exciting, but also insanely terrifying.” Rachel asks him to drop everything and come to New York with her. “This is kind of a make or break thing for me,” says Rachel, a sentiment she has used to describe pretty much every single event in her life for the last 2 years. Will Rachel be able to be in both LA and New York at once? Will she drop her baby in front of a group of fashion editors? Will Jeremiah hurt Rachel’s feelings by having ideas and plans of his own? Stay tuned, bitches.
[Photo Credit: Bravotv.com]

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