RZP: Activate the Rachel Signal!

Posted on September 21, 2011

Last week on The Rachel Zoe Project: Ohmigod. Ohmigod.Ohmigod. You guys. Rachel showed her collection to a bunch of editors and buyers in New York. Ohmigod. Then – ohmigod – Joe Zee showed up to give Rachel a present. Ohmigod. T Lo missed all this because they were in New York for Fashion Week, having drinks with the real Joe Zee, who told them nonchalantly, “I think I’m on Rachel Zoe tonight.”

This week on the Rachel Zoe Project: Joey has made his move, not just to Los Angeles so he can ask Rachel questions that embarrass us as gay men (“Are you actually going to let it come out of your vadge?”) but to horn in on this Jeremiah person and to get himself the maximum screentime. It was all raised (and highly manicured) eyebrows and pursed lips with this one.

But Jeremiah doesn’t have time to worry about silly hairdresser queens with delusions of grandeur, he’s got a new assignment. You see, when you work for Rachel Zoe, that means you do pretty much anything Rachel wants you to do at any given moment, so hairdressers work as stylists and assistant stylists work as interior decorators. It’s not up to Rachel to remember your silly job qualifications; she need only to hand out assignments. We’re pretty sure Mandana will be on tap to perform the C-section, should that moment come.  So Jeremiah has two weeks to do a job that takes several months AND he’s not particularly qualified to take on a job at this level. Drama! Jeremiah says “I’m having a manic attack,” and we wonder if he realizes what he just said. Pay attention to him, he’ll throw out these weird non-sequiturs and unusual phrasing as if he just learned English in the past couple of years. He said “Yous’s guys” at least three times last night. Anyway, Rachel tells him she just wants people in her company that she likes, and that’s why he was hired. This is a roundabout way of saying, “I hire cute under-qualified people so I can push them around.”

Suddenly, the Fashion Phone rings! There’s an emergency somewhere in the city and Commissioner Gordon needs Rachel’s help! Kim Kardashian needs to be styled in less than 24 hours or THOUSANDS WILL DIE SCREAMING. “We’re going to have to go ALL HANDS ON DECK,” shrieks Marisa in a panic. Rachel quickly springs into action by never leaving her seat and delegating everything to her army of sycophants. She cunningly tells Joey and Jeremiah (which actually sound like henchmen names when you say them like that) they’re both on accessory-pulling assignment but only one of them will have the honor of seeing Kim Kardashian in her panties tomorrow. Say what you will about her, she knows exactly how to push the buttons of young gay men to get them to do their best work. Joey and Jeremiah exchange glances and raised eyebrows. She gives them the vaguest instructions possible. She tells them what she wants by defining the term “accessories for them:  “Just…get some jewelry and some shoes and some belts.” “Ohmigod,” says Joey about three hundred times in 45 seconds. It is unclear whether his repeated exclamations are distress over the impossible task at hand or excitement over the possibility of sticking his hand up Kim Kardashian’s skirt. Jeremiah briefly (and unwisely) tries to assert himself in the accessory-pulling process, but to his credit, he did shut up when it was pointed out that he really doesn’t know Rachel that well. In other words, Joey pulled the very best thing out of his arsenal first: rank.

Rodger cups his balls and asks Rachel if he can go to Vegas for the weekend. “I think you’re a horrible person to even ask me that and for all you know I could wind up giving birth right here on this white couch, alone, with no one to clean up the stains when I’m done,” she tells him. Rodger blinks and says “Sweet! Thanks, Babe!” This is why they’re still together after 2o years. They openly express their anger and disappointment with each other and openly ignore such sentiments.

It’s the day of the Kim Kardashian shoot and Joey has been picked to wear the Robin costume. Kim expresses wonder that you can’t tell Rachel is pregnant from behind. “The reason that I haven’t gained anywhere else is because I never sit down,” reveals Rachel. “Also, because the baby is on a diet.” Joey giggles and coos over Kim, who consistently ignores everyone else in the room when she doesn’t have a camera pointed at her, never once looking from her phone except to give limpid come-hither stares to the camera when asked to do so. Rachel and Joey declare her the Greatest Living Actress of Her Generation and weep at her  beauty and talent. Joey vows never to wash his hand again after he jams it up her skirt.

Later, Rachel’s sister Pamela shows up and instead of taking them all to dinner, takes them to a doula to discuss the mechanics of childbirth, of which both Rodger and Rachel are apparently completely ignorant and happy to say so. “If I start watching videos, I will literally not give birth,” says Rachel, who’s under the impression that childbirth is actually optional when you’re pregnant. Rodger calls her a control freak (which is self evident, considering her expressed idea that she can decide whether or not her child will ever leave the confines of her body), but she emasculates in front of the doula, who shifts uncomfortably in her seat. That woman’s probably seen enough after-birth to last her several lifetimes, but having to sit in the same room with two sniping reality show celebrities finally triggered her gag reflex. “Well,” she says, trying desperately to find some way to end the conversation and get them out of her home, “You’re … lucky to have each other,” which is really just a nicer way of saying “No one else would put up with either of you.”

Who knew the doulas could be such stealth bitches?

  • Anonymous

    Omigod! You guys crack me up…

  • Anonymous

    So, I surprised myself and watched another episode of, “The Rachel Zoe Project”.  I’ll give it to the girl, she can style the hell out of anybody. And yes, I wish I could win the lottery and hire her just to say things like, “Rach (I sooo would call her that) I’m going to the grocery store, style me” or “Rach, I gotta a dentist appointment, style me”. You get the idea. But, between her annoying nasal voice and over usage of the words: literally, pregnant, baby, major and moment, I can’t stomach this show. Also, I find it hilarious that the whole Rach team treat all fashion issues as though they’re stopping World War 3. They have a freaking War Room!  Not to mention that minion/make-up artist/hair dresser, Joey scares the bejesus out of me. And lastly, that Roger creeps me out every time he says the word, “baby” in referring to Rach. Ewwww!  I Literally Cringe, Literally!  And Roger, CUT YOUR HAIR!  You Are A Grown Man. You Are Not Jason Bieber!! Now I’m finish. Literally.

    • Anonymous

      Justin

      • Anonymous

        LOL! Eh, Justin, Jason…whatever. :)

      • Anonymous

        Thanks! I don’t  know why I want to call that boy Jason(??) I do it all the time!

        • Anonymous

          I don’t know why I even bothered to correct you… I don’t give a fig about that little moppet!  And I loved your comment… war room..heh heh.  Watched this show once, and that was one time too many!

    • mrspeel2

      “But, between her annoying nasal voice and over usage of the words:
      literally, pregnant, baby, major and moment, I can’t stomach this show.”

      You forgot bananas!

      • Anonymous

        You’re right! Add bananas to the list.

        • mrspeel2

          You betcha. LOL!

  • Sobaika Mirza

    This show is becoming more about Rachel and less about her working in the industry. AKA boring.

    • Anonymous

      From the Housewives on down, al these ‘reality’ shows have become nothing but boring, screaming infomercials.

      –GothamTomato

  • http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

    I tried to refuse to give birth — it didn’t work.  Not once out of the 3 times I tried to get out of it. 

    • http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

      I do appreciate your dedication to the idea.

    • http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

      I do appreciate your dedication to the idea.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_GFMOZFM3WT3T56EZHVZFK7UXSI Ramon

    When Becky told Blanche Deveraux she was not going to have her baby and just carry it inside, Blanche just told her: Nooo, that’s a bad look!. That should do it for Rachel too.

  • http://twitter.com/susanpcollier Susan Collier

    I cannot wait until the Very Special Season-Ending Episode where Rachel gives birth to the baby. The baby opens its eyes and says, “Omigod! You guys, this is so bananas!” in the most deadpan baby voice ever.

  • Joe J

    Joey & Jeremiah?  Shall we call them the Degrassi twins?

    • http://profiles.google.com/sara.e.munoz Sara Munoz

      And give them matching fedoras.

  • Anonymous

    God, I am glad I quit watching this show last season!  If I’d been watching this pathetic excuse for entertainment and that Kartrashian thing appeared on the screen, my nice big flat screen would have gone out the window. These people have the depth of a shallow puddle after a day of heat and sunshine. *Shudder*

    But enough about celebrifools and on to the real story, hidden away in that big block of TLo text up there.  TLo, you had drinks with Joe Zee? Adorable, smart, adorable (did I say that already?) Joe Zee???  Wouldn’t you like to provide some more details to your drooling minions?….

    • http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

      Ditto. I want to hear all about it. I love Joe Zee so much. He was the best part of that awful reality show with that awful Anne Slowey.

      I hope there’s another season of All on the Line.

    • http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

      Ditto. I want to hear all about it. I love Joe Zee so much. He was the best part of that awful reality show with that awful Anne Slowey.

      I hope there’s another season of All on the Line.

    • http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

      Ditto. I want to hear all about it. I love Joe Zee so much. He was the best part of that awful reality show with that awful Anne Slowey.

      I hope there’s another season of All on the Line.

  • Anonymous

    I miss Brad.  I find it funny that they dissed Brad in almost exact same way the dissed Taylor.

    Does anyone know if there are other employees of Zoe Inc. that are not participants in the TV show?

    • Anonymous

      I get the feeling that the Zoe Army is a pretty huge operation. Like, Rachel is more of the face now instead of the boss. Or maybe not. 

    • http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

      The dissing of Brad in the same way they dissed Taylor makes me think that neither Taylor nor Brad was the problem.

  • Anonymous

    Thanks, TLo! 

    You left me chuckling.   

  • mrspeel2

    I find it hard to believe that a couple, close to being in their 40s, can be so naive about life in general but when they top that with apparently not knowing the first thing about having a baby, it makes me wonder how they ever managed to accomplish getting preggers in the first place. Have they never heard of doing a bit of research BEFORE diving into such a life-altering decision??

    • Anonymous

      I would say they go through life being totally delusional, because if Rachel Zoe thinks anyone believes she isn’t even 40 yet, she is more delusional than I thought. 

      • Anonymous

        I agree.  Rachel’s so called “older” sister lookd seven to ten years younger than Rachel herself.

        • http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

          Rachel looks like she’s been tanning since she was old enough to get out of the crib by herself. And I would not be surprised to discover that she smokes. (No judgment. I smoke too. A lot. But, being whiter than the Queen, I treat the sun like an enemy.) Plus, she looks like she consumes no  more than 100 calories a day. No wonder she looks older than her older sister.

        • http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

          Rachel looks like she’s been tanning since she was old enough to get out of the crib by herself. And I would not be surprised to discover that she smokes. (No judgment. I smoke too. A lot. But, being whiter than the Queen, I treat the sun like an enemy.) Plus, she looks like she consumes no  more than 100 calories a day. No wonder she looks older than her older sister.

        • http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

          Rachel looks like she’s been tanning since she was old enough to get out of the crib by herself. And I would not be surprised to discover that she smokes. (No judgment. I smoke too. A lot. But, being whiter than the Queen, I treat the sun like an enemy.) Plus, she looks like she consumes no  more than 100 calories a day. No wonder she looks older than her older sister.

    • Anonymous

      But the really scary thing is the decision to have a baby in the first place. I watched some episodes last season and everyone around her was pressuring her to get pregnant, while she clearly did not want to have a child. I swear, these people think they’re on a sitcom and it’d be good for the story line to introduce a new tiny character. They don’t seem to understand that they’re talking about creating an actual human being – one whose mother wasn’t interested in having it.

      • http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

        Agreed, BB. Just from reading the recaps, it seemed obvious to me that Rachel wasn’t even remotely interested in being a mother. I had to give her some credit for 1) realizing it, and 2) being willing to admit it in front of the cameras. But now, here she is, with a kid.

        I suspect he’ll be spending more time with a nanny, and his father, than with her. So there’s that.

    • Anonymous

      But the really scary thing is the decision to have a baby in the first place. I watched some episodes last season and everyone around her was pressuring her to get pregnant, while she clearly did not want to have a child. I swear, these people think they’re on a sitcom and it’d be good for the story line to introduce a new tiny character. They don’t seem to understand that they’re talking about creating an actual human being – one whose mother wasn’t interested in having it.

    • http://phdoula.blogspot.com Rebecca

      Oh, you would be surprised.

  • Anonymous

    my only question is why do i watch?  then i had to put up with kim k.  am i the only one who gets irritated by people who can never leave their phone alone?  why is joey so irritating?  will jeremiah even last?  i guess i had more than one question.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Linda-Harris/1358701372 Linda Harris

    You didn’t mention the Zoes now have a 7,000sq ft house!!!!

  • Anonymous

    We want a COMIC BOOK! We want a COMIC BOOK! We want a COMIC BOOK!

    You guys write it, and Tim Gunn can consult. After all, he has been featured in one already and opined on the contemporary fashion of Modern Super Heroes!

    Todd McFarlane should do the panels and ink work.

    Of course, the Universe might implode and form a giant singularity made of pure awesome, but I for one am willing to take that chance.

    • http://karensbooksandchocolate.blogspot.com/ Karenlibrarian

      What comic book has Tim Gunn in it???  I WANT IT.  

      • Anonymous

        http://marvel.com/news/story/8204/marvel_tim_gunn_team_up_to_fight_crime.and_criminal_fashion_in_models_inc_1

        Actually, he would make an excellent “Professor X” type character a la the X-men, but he would be in charge of a team of stylists who would swoop down on fashion crimes in progress. His frowns of dismay and gentle disappointment would be his greatest super power.

        Swinton would be an excellent addition in a modified version of her character Gabrial, in the movie Constantine.

        Rachel Zoe could be his nemesis who was creating an army of stylist drones, assimilated starlets and turning them into brainwashed accomplices in her efforts to create make-over the world into Zoebots.

  • http://twitter.com/warontara Tara

    I missed this episode, and am glad I did. The only thing worse than this show without Brad is this show with Kim Kardashin. 

  • Anonymous

    Never watched this show before and only happened to catch a bit of this episode while channel flipping.  The only thing that could make me tune in again is to see more of Jeremiah.  Shirtless.  That boy is beyond HOT.

  • Anonymous

    Anyone else get the vibe that Jeremiah isn’t actually gay?

    Something is really off about him and I don’t like it.

    • Anonymous

      I think the “off vibe” is the guilt of knowing that if Rachel catches him and Rodger Dodger boning in the mens room, there will be HELL to pay.  Fashion Hell….

  • http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

    “Joey and Jeremiah (which actually sound like henchmen names when you say them like that)”

    Joey and Jeremiah International, Inc. For all your styling and murdering needs.

    This show is like South Park and Saturday Night Live. It’s a lot funnier in the retelling than in the actual watching. I cannot stand Rachel, and the additional of Kim K. would have made this episode unbearable. But TLo’s recaps are required reading.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P2A3RYQVKJZKZNKS5W2ASCAKSI Lynne

    Again, your recap is better than the actual show… LOVE it… Thanks!!!

  • Anonymous

    “Tlo said: “If I start watching videos, I will literally not give birth,” says Rachel, who’s under the impression that childbirth is actually optional when you’re pregnant.”

    If you’d stayed in NYC a few days past the end of Fashion Week, and walked among the arrogant yuppies of the neighborhood, you would have found that this attitude is quite common among the yup-set. 

    –GothamTomato

    • Anonymous

      You know, her attitude towards the unfashionably icky process of child-birth (or any other bodily function for that matter) makes me wonder if she simply ordered Roger to ejaculate into a glass of champagne and she impregnated herself via champagne douche.

      That was evil and wrong of me to say.

      I feel contrite.

    • Anonymous

      You know, her attitude towards the unfashionably icky process of child-birth (or any other bodily function for that matter) makes me wonder if she simply ordered Roger to ejaculate into a glass of champagne and she impregnated herself via champagne douche.

      That was evil and wrong of me to say.

      I feel contrite.

  • Anonymous

    “Tlo said: “If I start watching videos, I will literally not give birth,” says Rachel, who’s under the impression that childbirth is actually optional when you’re pregnant.”

    If you’d stayed in NYC a few days past the end of Fashion Week, and walked among the arrogant yuppies of the neighborhood, you would have found that this attitude is quite common among the yup-set. 

    –GothamTomato

  • Anonymous

    I hate her more and more every time I watch this show.  I really just want to see what happens when she actually does have to give birth and then I’m gonna quit this show.. I mean it.  I gonna quit you Rachael Zoe.

  • Anonymous

    I hate her more and more every time I watch this show.  I really just want to see what happens when she actually does have to give birth and then I’m gonna quit this show.. I mean it.  I gonna quit you Rachael Zoe.

  • Anonymous

    Damn, I’m so glad you guys do this silly show–I think I only watch it to fully appreciate your snark.

    What I loved, also, is that J & J got all this air time for the accessories, while Jordan actually quickly and efficiently pulled the dresses and, of course, was at the shoot.  Rachel’s got her on-camera staff and then the staff that does the work that keeps her in business.  There’s some crossover, but less than there used to be.  But, whatever.

    I actually thought Rodg. was pretty obnoxious at the doula’s.  Like it or not, Rachel is going to actually do the work birthwise.  

    • Anonymous

      If she is as she’s painted on the show, what work? She’ll have a scheduled C-section (with at-the-same-time cosmetic abdominal work she’s too skinny to need but by god I know an actual real person almost as skinny as Zoe who did with her final pregnancy. But don’t get me started on doctors who cater to body dismorphic women.) & her recovery will be eased by a platoon of additional help (no doubt mostly off camera) to make sure she doesn’t have to lift a finger & gets her pain meds on time. 

  • Anonymous

    “Tlo said: There’s an emergency somewhere in the city and Commissioner Gordon needs Rachel’s help! Kim Kardashian needs to be styled in less than 24 hours or THOUSANDS WILL DIE SCREAMING.”

    And isn’t that ironic? Kim Kardashian whole ‘career’ is based on her going to the Bat Pole.

    –GothamTomato

    • Anonymous

      I think of her more as a Bat Cave, personally.

  • http://twitter.com/karenwalsh Karen Walsh

    “Who knew the doulas could be such stealth bitches?”
    This is why we love you TLo! : )  We could care less about Rachel Zoe, but we’ll watch any show you watch so we can share in your opinions.

  • sweetlilvoice

    Rachel Zoe + Rosie Perez=awesome show. Please let that happen Bravo, it’s cross promotion!

  • http://twitter.com/thebestjasmine Jasmine

    This show used to be so fun; there were marathons of it on Bravo the week before the premeire, and I re watched some episodes and saw some older ones for the first time and was so entertained.  But that was when the show centered on Brad and Taylor, and had more about actual styling of celebrities — that was all so interesting and fun.  But now it’s just about Rachel and Rodger, and the more the camera is on them the more they both seem like terrible people who I have no desire to watch a show about.  And I can’t believe that Rachel and Rodger keep demonizing Brad for…striking out on his own.  That’s his horrible offense against the Zoe Family: styling for himself so that he can control his time instead of being under Rachel’s beck and call at every minute of every day.  Incredible.

    • Anonymous

      My take was that they were upset because he lied about the reason he was leaving.  We don’t know if they’d have been equally upset if Brad had been honest about why he was leaving because he wasn’t. 

  • Anonymous

    Tell me she did NOT say “the baby is on a diet” – because if she did, then Child Protective Services needs to be called.

  • Cheri Lee

     “If I start watching videos, I will literally not give birth,” says Rachel, who’s under the impression that childbirth is actually optional when you’re pregnant.
    HAHAHAHAHAHA!  I love this mess of a show.

  • Anonymous

    When I watched Joey during the second half of the show, two words came to mind: “Eve Harrington.”

  • http://profiles.google.com/sara.e.munoz Sara Munoz

    I almost never say this, even with batshit celeb couples– but I feel very bad for that baby. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1342900675 Susan Grisham

    All I can think of now is Joey Jeremiah from the show Degrassi High that was on PBS when I was a kid. http://degrassi.wikia.com/wiki/Joey_Jeremiah

  • Joshau Norton

    So what’s the over/under on the baby weighing more than Rachel does?

  • http://phdoula.blogspot.com Rebecca

    As a doula, I just realized I have been reading your blog for the past 3 years just for this line:
    “Who knew the doulas could be such stealth bitches?”

    All I have to say is, you should SEE us take on an overbearing nurse. We have to hone our stealth bitch skills constantly.

    • Anonymous

      Rebecca, I’m going to make sure that my daughters have a doula with them when they are birthing.

      Rachel’s attitude about giving birth was so damn depressing!  I’m glad I could take refuge in Spiritual Midwifery where I could read some stories about women who birthed with joy.

      • http://phdoula.blogspot.com Rebecca

        Everyone deserves a doula! Including Rachel. A lot of women have this attitude…it’s sad because when you’re so afraid of birth that you can’t even think about it, you can’t do any preparation to make the experience more positive (and it doesn’t have to be a romp through flowery fields, but it can be something that isn’t a lifelong trauma…so many women seem to go in actually EXPECTING to be emotionally scarred that it is honestly heartbreaking.)

  • Anonymous

    Let’s play a game: You show me a sample from Ratch’s new line and I’ll tell u the original designer. Ready? 

  • Anonymous

    ” This is why they’re still together after 2o years. They openly express
    their anger and disappointment with each other and openly ignore such
    sentiments.”

    Bwahahah!  This explains at least one couple I know. Their marriage counselor has the same philosophy as Rodger & Rachel’s.

    Actually, when I think about it, I do hope that at least some of the misgivings I feel over these two raising a child are exaggerated by the fact that the t.v. show is 1) heavily edited for drama and 2) peopled by individuals playing to the camera. Plus both Rachel and Rodger seem to have involvement with their families-of-origin, so maybe there’s some sanity lurking about somewhere.

    And is it just the checked shirt, or is Rodger looking more and more like a sideman (probably steel guitar) in a 1970’s country pop band?

  • http://www.facebook.com/jeannie.shmina.greenwald Jeannie Shmina Greenwald

    Your recaps are, “ba-nanas.”

    “Suddenly, the Fashion Phone rings and Commissioner Gordon needs Rachel’s help!”

    Reading it all, I died.

    xoxo TLo!