TO: Her Serene Imperial Majesty, on the occasion of her royal fuckup.
We, the undersigned, have several points we wish Your Grace to consider when carrying out her Queenly Duties going forward. If it please Your Highness, we will proceed through the use of visual aids.
And if it doesn’t please Your Highness, we don’t care. You’re going to sit on that throne and like it.
Looks like someone thought a little too highly of herself this week.
If this was a case of, say, creative block, or an idea that turned out badly, or a lack of technical skills, or even just a big sloppy meltdown, we could understand and sympathize, to a point. But this wasn’t any of those things.
This was Your Serene Highness obnoxiously declaring himself above the proceedings the very second the challenge was announced. Girl, that’s just nasty. No one forced you to be on this little game show and you should know what’s to be expected of you once you sign on. And don’t even try the silly “I never really watched the show before…” excuse, because that gets lamer and less likely with each successive season.
Although we almost could believe Your Majesty had never seen the show before because for some reason the Royal Personage equated unconventional materials challenges with costumes, going so far as to declare “I’m not gonna make a costume.” Who asked you to make a costume, Your Bitchness? The whole point to these challenges is to make believable clothes out of the materials, you silly, stuck up queen.
Begging your pardon, mum.
Oh, Your Grace. Let’s not fight. The point is, this isn’t what you do when you have immunity, dear. It’s, in fact, the exact opposite reaction to have if you want to stay in the judges’ good graces. You don’t say “I have immunity, so I don’t give a crap,” the contenders in Project Runway history are always the ones who say “I have immunity, so I’m going to take this chance to really go crazy/do what I want/wow the judges.”
In other words, immunity is your opportunity to be even more creative and more impressive. To do otherwise – to actively and obviously do otherwise by throwing any old half-assed thing down the runway – pretty much boiled off any goodwill you got from the judges last week.
You really blew this one, Your Imperial Majesty. First-challenge winners can coast on that good will for another 4 or 5 challenges at least, so long as they keep putting the effort in and avoid any disasters.
And you could have easily done that, Your Highness. You can make simple, chic looks in your sleep; good enough to get you at least to the midpoint without too much strain. Now?
Well, now you’ve got an uphill climb. And since your attitude was so inexplicably bad this week and no one called you on it, we fear you don’t even realize this yet. Our fear with you was always that you’d be too set in your ways, too annoyed with your co-stars, and too cranky from lack of sleep to keep yourself in the game. If you’re like this in the second challenge – when you have zero pressure on you – we’re scared to think what you’re going to be like when things get ugly. And ohhhhh, girl; they are going to get ugly.
Assess the dress? Pfft. If you didn’t put the effort in, why should we?
Oh, fine.
The use of the netting was the beginning of a really good idea. A whole dress or even just a skirt entirely made out of tiers of ruffled netting would have been passably cute.
At the very least, it would have had more design elements than this bath towel with a dust ruffle attached to it.
And Your Majesty, if nothing else, you could have taken the opportunity this week to really wow the judges with your styling abilities, since it was the one criticism you got from them last week. That you didn’t even do that is a testament to how completely disengaged you were from the competition.
Now wipe that smirk off your face, get back in that workroom, and make middle-aged queens everywhere proud, you ungrateful thing. You are the QUEEN MOTHER. Now act like it.
Yours in Eternal Servitude,
The Duchess of Fabulous
The Countess of Opinions
[Photo Credit: Barbara Nitke/MyLifetime.com – Screencaps: tomandlorenzo.com]
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