Cover Girl: Jennifer Lopez for Vanity Fair

Posted on August 02, 2011

Celebrities are not like us, darlings. Not exactly a profound statement but one that bears revisiting right now. Because you see, when non-celebrities go through breakups, they turn to friends and family to help them make sense of what just happened, get them drunk, co-sign on the Ben & Jerry’s, and tell helpful little lies like “You did nothing wrong” and “You’ll meet someone again.”

When celebrities break up, they have a cover, interview and photo spread ready within minutes so that the world can have a deep understanding of the inner workings of said celebrity’s soul, a good idea of what their body looks like, and also that the celebrity did nothing wrong and will definitely find true love again someday. In other words, people turn to their friends and family for support and celebrities turn to entertainment journalists for it. Non-celebrity breakup: therapy and casual sex; Celebrity breakup: Photoshop, borrowed clothes, and casual sex.

In that vein, here’s J Lo, apparently mere moments after deciding to leave her underfed sperm donor, having apparently ripped open her dress in Scarlett O’Hara like defiance:


Jennifer Lopez covers the September 2011 issue of Vanity Fair photographed by Mario Testino in Gucci.

See? “I remain an eternal optimist about love….It’s still my biggest dream.” Does that sound like what you said to your girlfriends after your last breakup, tears streaking your mascara and an empty vodka bottle in front of you? Oh, let’s not quibble on the wording. Non-celebrities say things like “FUCK THAT FUCKER! I’M STILL PRETTY, RIGHT, YOU GUYS?” but it essentially means the same thing as what J Lo’s saying, right?

Let’s listen in more:

On her divorce: “I am positive—determined to move forward with my life, bring up my babies, and do the best job I can as a mother, entertainer, and person. I now look forward to new challenges. I feel strong.”

On her relationships: “I’m a hopeless romantic and passionate person when it comes to love. It’s not that I didn’t love myself before. Sometimes we don’t realize that we are compromising ourselves. To understand that a person is not good for you, or that that person is not treating you in the right way, or that he is not doing the right thing for himself—if I stay, then I am not doing the right thing for me. I love myself enough to walk away from that now.”

See? JUST as irritating as your friend who just got dumped! Except, unlike with them, you can actually say out loud, “JESUS you’re a whiny, self-absorbed mess,” because J LO CAN’T HEAR YOU. Besides, if she could, she’d still ignore you.

Now, make sure to work the following phrase into your conversation today: “...as a mother, entertainer, and person…

We’ve said it about 15 times each already.

“Honey, as a mother, entertainer, and person, I really think it’s your turn to change the kitty litter.”

“As a mother, entertainer, and person, I think Dianna Agron’s dress looks like crap.”

“As a mother, entertainer, and person, what do you feel like having for dinner tonight?

Gucci Fall 2011 Collection/Model: Chanel Iman

Oh. Right. Fashion commentary. Okay:

Pretty dress. Great cover. As mothers, entertainers, and people, we like it better in the fuchsia but Jenny favors the white all the time.

[Photo Credit: Mario Testino for vanityfair.com, elle.com]

    • http://profiles.google.com/anplica Anplica Fiore

      She’s pretty in the white, but just think of what the color the model is in would do for her!!

    • Anonymous

      J Lo, you’ve made it abundantly clear that you’re a mother…so put the sideboobs away, please.

      • Anonymous

        Isn’t that what Marc Anthony said?  “You are a 40 year old mother of 2.  Please dress like it.” And JLO filed for divorce.  In short-shorts and a halter top.

    • scottyf

      As a mother, entertainer, and person: I think you guys rock.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2CNDPMVO4W23R5TVC2QMTJ5BZE Heather

        Plus, what is she, 14? Is she looking for her “soulmate”? Gag!

    • Anonymous

      As a mother, an entertainer, and a person, I want to puke when people talk in platitudes and sound bites.

      Love the fuchsia version of the dress.

      • http://aintbaroque.wordpress.com/ Ain’t Baroque

        Irrelevant, but — love your internet handle. :D

        • Anonymous

          “Good Omens” is never irrelevant! Thanks…I was Momsy on the old blogger site and was happy to swap out for something a little more fun when Disqus came along.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_NMIFZ6A7BHP66M546AO77BWVQ4 Bonnie

        As a mother, entertainer and person, I will buy this issue of VF and then puke rainbows as I read about JLO’s quest for her “soulmate”
        bitchybitchybitchy

    • Rachel Hewitt

      As a mother, entertainer and a person, I couldn’t agree with you more.

    • Anonymous

      As a mother, entertainer, and person, I strenuously object to her scary fucking eye makeup and strangely alien Photoshop cheekbones.

      And I am a mother, so I win.

    • Anonymous

      As a muthah, an entertainer and a person, I find it difficult to believe she didn’t love herself before!

      • Anonymous

        She seems like she’s always loved herself enough for the rest of us. Or maybe she’s just been infatuated with herself all these years.

    • Rebecca Johnson

      Ahahahaha!! ” “FUCK THAT FUCKER! I’M STILL PRETTY, RIGHT, YOU GUYS?” That was SO me after my last breakup, empty vodka bottle included. You guys are awesome.

      JLo needs to go away for a while, though I do like her make-up in this shot.

    • Susan Crawford

      Agree 100% that the color in the runway picture would have looked terrific on JLo, but I suppose she was using the white as some kind  of metaphor for her purity as a mother, entertainer and person starting life anew, blahblahblah. Meantime, does it strike anybody else that placing the copy for “How the US missed its biggest chance to stop 9/11″ in JLo’s armpit was a little – oh, I don’t know – TACKY?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lauren-Jean-St-Martin/504251897 Lauren Jean St. Martin

      As a mother, entertainer, and person, I’m sick of hearing anything about JLo.

    • Anonymous

      I like the magenta version better too, and is one of the few times when I don’t hate the granny panties look.  Also, the shoes that the model is sporting totally rock.

      Anyone else find it weird that they styled her to have a huge rock on her left ring finger???

    • Anonymous

      She has no neck, photo could be better, needs a less serious face.

    • Anonymous

      She has no neck, photo could be better, needs a less serious face.

      • http://www.facebook.com/marvin.nisperos Marvin Nisperos

        hi tyra banks. aren’t you busy taping for the next season of antm?

        • Anonymous

          I’m more critiquing the photo (and the photographer) than I am her. She’s pretty, this is just a lousy photo.

          • Anonymous

            Seriously? I think this photo is gorgeous.

            –GothamTomato

    • Anonymous

      In that vein, here’s J Lo, apparently mere moments after deciding to leave her underfed sperm donor, having apparently ripped open her dress in Scarlett O’Hara like defiance:
      As the heading says, it’s her first POST-SPLIT interview

      • http://www.tomandorenzo.com Tom and Lorenzo

        Um…yeah. THAT’S THE JOKE.

        • Anonymous

          Bwahahahahaha!

    • Anonymous

      As a mother, entertainer, and person she is vapid and self-absorbed. Good luck to the next spider she snares in her sequined web!

    • Anonymous

      This is some serious business fly girl face. And by “fly girl” I mean mother, entertainer and person-shaped PR blitz.

    • Judy_J

      As a mother, entertainer, and person, I say enough already!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1303837450 Lauren Dorsee Dillon

      I’m not a great fan of hers but she does look good here. I’d also love to see what the fuchsia would do for her coloring. On another note, I think Marc Anthony is an unappealing skank; two pretty, albeit self-absorbed, wives, and he can’t remain faithful. Or eat apparently.

      • MilaXX

        don’t forget the first baby mama that he never married.

    • Anonymous

      As a mother, entertainer, and person, (and really, I am only one of the three, tho there are those who consider me entertaining), I am consistently nauseated by celebrities who use their crises as so much grist for their money mill.  Of course, this is to be expected from a woman who used her children in a Gucci ad.  MUCH more interesting is TLo’s take on all of this.  I am glad I sipped my water BEFORE reading: “FUCK THAT FUCKER! I’M STILL PRETTY, RIGHT, YOU GUYS?”  

      I can stand all the nonsense so long as TLo continues to comment on it.

    • Anonymous

      My apologies

    • Anonymous

      Quick! Deploy the white version of the green dress that made my career as a relentlessly attention-seeking famewhore with, I grant,  some talent. but just some. mostly drive and focus and famewhoring. 

      Seriously, you can smell the desperation and fabrication off the cover. please girl! wake up and smell the cleavage! soon she’ll be singing the “as a single parent” tail of woe, as if. 

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_UCLO5V2YD36T7QMPKOC7YXPOFU Erica

      As a mother, entertainer, and person, if I were marching towards my 3rd divorce, I might keep my dreams about romance, but stop with the matrimonial dreams.  For whatever reason, that’s not working out for her.

    • http://profiles.google.com/denise.alden Denise Alden

      As a mother******, an entertainer, and nearly a person . . . I’ve lost my train of thought.

    • http://profiles.google.com/scaponigro Sarah Caponigro

      Who isn’t a damn person?

      • Anonymous

        Marc Anthony?

        • Anonymous

          Dag.

          • Anonymous

            I was just channeling Jennifer.

    • aussiegal77

      “It’s not that I didn’t love myself before. It’s just sometimes I want to eat a cheeseburger or an ice cream.  But Marc was so weird about his vampire diet.  Sometimes we don’t realize that we are compromising ourselves. I mean, really – who wants to suck blood ALL the time?  To understand that a person is not good for you, or that that person is not treating you in the right way, or that he is not doing the right thing for himself because after a while, blood just tastes all iron-y and isn’t that bad for your complexion?  If I stay, then I am not doing the right thing for me.  I don’t really like the colour of blood on my lips anyways – I like white, all white, all the time.  I love myself enough to walk away from that now.  And embrace my all white all the time life.”

      There, fixed.  Also too….preferred the fushia.

    • Anonymous

      As a MEaP, I hate to tell her there is often a very thin line between eternal optimism and self-delusion.

    • Anonymous

      She’s ridiculous but damn, she photographs well.  The fuchsia would have looked awesome on her but I do love the white also. 

    • Anonymous

      You know, when I went through my break up earlier this year, I had the decency to dish the dirt to my frineds.  Come on J-Lo, you can tell us, it was the drugs, right?  He is totally Whitney& Bobby high all the time, isn’t he?  Tell us, we are here for you……

      Oh, and honey, wearing white will NOT make potential new men forget that you are now 3X divorced and god knows how many times f**ked like a banshee in heat.

    • Anonymous

      “Honey, as a mother, entertainer, and person, I really think it’s your turn to change the kitty litter.”

      I am so using this. I can imagine the look on my spouse’s face now: WTF?? entertainer???

    • Anonymous

      “To understand that a person is not good for you, or that that person is not treating you in the right way, or that he is not doing the right thing for himself…”
      Boy, they always find (she always finds) a subtle-but-not-really way to place the blame.

      But in all honesty, she looks good. And you can tell eyebrows are here to stay.

      It’s interesting though how JLo and her divorce can cover a magazine containing an article that claims to have the recipe to avoid 9-11. Whoa!

    • bookish

      When I read those quotes, in my head I was hearing them straight from Carrie Bradshaw. Seriously, she sounds like she stole all her lines from Sex and the City.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, one of the most self-absorbed characters ever on TV.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6PUVFQ7YCZZFZRIER6BEJ4HVYE Amye

      As a mother, entertainer, and person… I am SOOOO over JLo and her cleavage and her divorce, right now.

    • Anonymous

      Hysterical

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2FXYZIJCBOTXXYBFGMESVTCVWM bradybutkus

      As a mother, entertainer and person …I can’t.  She makes me tired.

    • MilaXX

      whatev, JLo. I like the white, but think the purple would have looked better on her skin.

    • http://twitter.com/#!/Space_Kitty Space Kitty

      I can’t stop giggling.  Well done.

    • Anonymous

      As a mother, entertainer, and person, I am totally bored with celebrity navel-gazing–in this case, LITERAL navel-gazing.

      But I never tire of the TLo take on it! 

    • Anonymous

      As a non-mother, non-entertainer, but hopefully not non-person, I loved your take on J Lo.  Almost as much as I love myself, or whatever the hell I’m supposed to take away from that interview.  

      And J Lo, you can’t control what other people do.  You can only control whether you marry them.  Three strikes should tell you something.   

    • Anonymous

      As a mother, entertainer, and person, I love you T Lo. You make me laugh. You know, like a person.

    • Anonymous

      As a mother, entertainer, and person, I think you kids better get out in the yard with plastic grocery bags and pick up all the dog shit before I, a mother, entertainer and person, mow the grass!

      I love it! I pinkie swear I’ll use it everyday!

    • Anonymous

      As a non-mother, only an unintentional-entertainer, and definitely a people, you guys cracked me up. This post brightened my rather crappy day. Thanks, guys. :)

    • Anonymous

      Pfft!  I could care less about JLo and her break up.

      But Tom.  Lorenzo.   Never ever ever break up.   Ever.

      As a layabout, dawdler, and a person, I need your laughs.

    • Anonymous

      The minute I read “as a mother, entertainer, and person”, I started repeating it, like a mantra.  I should have known that you would immediately sense its incantatory powers too, TLo!    Well, I guess this is the flip side of being named the World’s Most Beautiful Person–the gods giveth, and the gods taketh away.

      Oh, and I vastly prefer the dress in fuchsia, too.  Can’t wait for my issue of VF to arrive & see the rest of her virginal ensembles.

      • oohsparkley!

        As a mother, entertainer, and a person, “virginal ensembles” made me snort.

    • aimee_parrott

      As a mother, entertainer, and person, may I just say that I think the photo is lovely, but she’s a whiny self-absorbed mess and the fuschia would look better.  So there!  Oh, and that’s what happens when you marry Nosferatu.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1028942964 Bethany Waldrop Keiper

      I can’t believe she did not manage to get her lotioned-up legs in this picture somehow. Since they are now making her money in ads also. Remember, people, from her hairy head to her hairless legs, she’s smooth. No matter what.

      And I say this as a mother, entertainer, and a person.

    • Anonymous

      As a mother, entertainer, and person, I really think she’s trying to break Liz Taylor’s record. Three divorces at forty? Damn.

    • Anonymous

      As mothers, entertainers and people you guys are just too f*&%king funny.

    • Anonymous

      As mothers, entertainers and people you guys are just too f*&%king funny.

    • Anonymous

      As a mother, entertainer and person, I think JLo could stand to love herself a little less.

      –GothamTomato

    • Anonymous

      Jlo said: “I remain an eternal optimist about love….It’s still my biggest dream.”

      I don’t care what she says, Disney is NOT going to cast her in the remake of PollyAnna.

      –GothamTomato

    • http://twitter.com/democracydiva Democracy Diva

      “As a mother, entertainer, and person, I think Dianna Agron’s dress looks like crap.”
      HILARIOUS.

    • Anonymous

      “…as a mother, entertainer, and person…” HAHAHAHAHA! Now go away, dahling. 

    • Jill Roberts

      I think her face looks incredible and the white plays it up better than the fuschia would have.  I dearly wish she’d go back to her real dark brunette hair color.  Why do so many celebs need to be blonde-ish?  It just washes her out.

    • Anonymous

      As a non mother, entertainer(to my friends) and occasional person, you bitches are the highlight of my unemployed day.

    • Anonymous

      As a mother, entertainer, and person, I really don’t give a shit about this bitch.

    • Lauren Stanisic

      hahaha you two always crack me up :-)

    • Jolene Barnett

      Chinchilla killer, chinchilla killer, chinchilla killer. Karma’s a bitch ain’t it?

    • Anonymous

      Don’t you think her face is just a little bit Photoshopped to death?  I know it’s not revelation that people get Photoshopped on magazine covers, blah blah blah, but this seems particularly egregious to me.

    • margaret meyers

      As a mother, entertainer, and person I agree that she has been photoshopped to the max.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Elaine-Lang/100000366510311 Elaine Lang

      I like to imagine her staggering around her apartment (which, no doubt, has 5 inch deep white shag carpeting everywhere) swinging an empty bottle of booze, slurring, “FUCK THAT FUCKER! AS A MOTHER, AN ENTERTAINER, AND A PERSON, I’M STILL PRETTY, RIGHT, YOU GUYS?”

      And, then she pukes all over the white, baby bunny skin-upholstered sofa.   

    • http://profiles.google.com/ameliaheartsu Amelia Logan

      As a mother, an entertainer, and a person, the notion of finding a (romantic love) perfect person makes me want to puke.

    • Mary O’Neill

      As a mother, magazine editor and person, may I say that Vanity Fair has a three month lead time?!?!  This story was all packaged up and ready to go, wasn’t it, Jenny-who-loves-myself-enough?  Wasn’t it?  You had the cover photographed and the interview done while you were still walking some red carpet somewhere with Skeletor, acting so in love and doing your zoolander put-on for the camera.  Liar.  Your cunning never ever gets a rest, does it?  

      :: shudder ::

      • Anonymous

        As a non-mother, an entertainer, and a person, I thank you. I was wondering about the lead time. Didn’t this break-up just become public in the past couple weeks?

        And good goddess, what grown-ass woman believes in a soul mate?

      • Anonymous

        As a non-mother, an entertainer, and a person, I thank you. I was wondering about the lead time. Didn’t this break-up just become public in the past couple weeks?

        And good goddess, what grown-ass woman believes in a soul mate?

    • Anonymous

      Actually, she sounds a lot like my girlfriends – all of whom are non-celebs, I assure you.  She finally found it in herself to leave what she saw as a toxic relationship – and she remains hopeful.  I don’t see much difference between her and anyone else, to be honest.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lexynyc Alexa Chunis

      See, here is my problem with photoshop. Jennifer Lopez, like her or lump her or be like me and be rather indifferent while still enjoying her Jenny from the block days (hey- I’m a child of the 90’s! you don’t judge me), is a very beautiful woman. However, she doesn’t look like that. And I don’t even mean that she looks older than that. Her eyes are not that big, nor that color. Those are not human eyebrows (though that may be the makeup person’s doing) and boobs without bras, unless you are a perky A+ cup, do not sit like that. I’m mostly ok with the general airbrushing to make a 40+ woman look around 31. I’m aware of it and understand that people on the covers of magazines inhabit a different world than I do and I don’t need to look like them. I would at least like them to look like the 31 year old version of themselves. The photoshop problem goes so far beyond touch ups, it seems “we” don’t really know what a woman looks like anymore…
      Also- I tend to think that dress as it is (in purple) would look fabulous on Jlo as She is… The dress is super Miami, and so is Jlo on her best day…. I’d like to see a full shot of Jlo in that dress in the purple in all her curvy glory

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_C65IT4K6RYN4TWRMFJOI3VUDAI Olechka Milashka

      that fuschia is to die for!

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_TRYUOEZZC2IVUO24TCJMVTDNSU Gianni Rubino

      I’m sorry.  As a MEaP,  when I saw the abbreviation MEaP, all I could think of was PRS1’s Starr Ilzhoefer (crying “meep!”)   I guess Beeker the Muppet is coming to mind as well … and now Manila Luzon wearing that homage to the Cookie Monster in a recent episode of RPDU.   Okay, here’s where I stop and return to Ab Fab on Logo.

      Gianni Rubino

    • Anonymous

      As a mother, entertainer and person, I need a moment to gag and reminisce over the days when Vanity Fair had interesting cover stories….

    • Anonymous

      she’s annoying.  poor dear is too wrapped up in herself to know what love is.  yet, do i feel sorry for her?  no.  no i do not.

    • Anonymous

      My god, you guys always get me to laugh! Can you imagine if we all talked like that? Of course, she’ll never answer what I want to know, what the frick did you see in him in the first place?? I never got that at all. I guess there are people that think he’s hot, but he’s always looked like a gaunt insect of some kind to me, and I can’t imagine “it’s what’s on the inside” counts for JLo.

      • Alisa Rivera

        He’s a huge star in the Latino community and was famous for a decade before JLo’s star took off. I’m always annoyed by how the U.S. media writes about him because they don’t ever acknowledge that he’s a talented singer and performer. Hell, he even starred in a Broadway musical once (admittedly not a very good one, but written by Paul Simon). Apparently he treats his wives like shit, but given his fame outside of the U.S. and the fact he’s a Nuyorican like JLo, not that surprising that they hooked up. 

    • http://www.ilove-shopping.org fashion

      tinyurl.com/2bk3gkl

    • http://www.ilove-shopping.org fashion

      tinyurl.com/2bk3gkl

    • Anonymous

      As a mother, entertainer, and person may I just say that the photoshopping on her face scares the fuck outa me?!  She looks opaque and smooth and hard, like granite.  And you can see in her eyes that she is just about to tear your head off.  This whole cover scares me.

    • http://twitter.com/vintagesewing VFL Miss Helenes

      Sorry, but being one who is in the midst of an ugly divorce right now, her comments were spot on.  I know she’s travelled down this road a time or two before, but it sure looked like she thought this was the real deal………and even if she’s been through it before, divorce sucks.  It’s painful, and you do have to pick yourself up and move on.  Good for her for being strong.  She can say all the platitudes, but she knows of what she speaks.

      And I’m not normally a J Lo fan.

    • http://twitter.com/ShelfAfterlife Shelf Afterlife

      As a mother, entertainer and person, I gotta say that I am completely freaked out by her photoshopped frog face.

    • http://twitter.com/ShelfAfterlife Shelf Afterlife

      As a mother, entertainer and person, I gotta say that I am completely freaked out by her photoshopped frog face.

    • Anonymous

      As a mother, non-entertainer and person, I must ask: Whose face did they borrow for the cover? JLo is somewhere in there, but it’s so photoshopped it barely looks like her.
      JLo likes the white to show off the tan.

    • Anonymous

      after 5 years of reading your blog, you guys still make me laugh out loud!! as a mother, entertainer, person, and unborn fawn, i proclaim my undying fandom.