Celebrities are not like us, darlings. Not exactly a profound statement but one that bears revisiting right now. Because you see, when non-celebrities go through breakups, they turn to friends and family to help them make sense of what just happened, get them drunk, co-sign on the Ben & Jerry’s, and tell helpful little lies like “You did nothing wrong” and “You’ll meet someone again.”
When celebrities break up, they have a cover, interview and photo spread ready within minutes so that the world can have a deep understanding of the inner workings of said celebrity’s soul, a good idea of what their body looks like, and also that the celebrity did nothing wrong and will definitely find true love again someday. In other words, people turn to their friends and family for support and celebrities turn to entertainment journalists for it. Non-celebrity breakup: therapy and casual sex; Celebrity breakup: Photoshop, borrowed clothes, and casual sex.
In that vein, here’s J Lo, apparently mere moments after deciding to leave her underfed sperm donor, having apparently ripped open her dress in Scarlett O’Hara like defiance:
Jennifer Lopez covers the September 2011 issue of Vanity Fair photographed by Mario Testino in Gucci.
See? “I remain an eternal optimist about love….It’s still my biggest dream.” Does that sound like what you said to your girlfriends after your last breakup, tears streaking your mascara and an empty vodka bottle in front of you? Oh, let’s not quibble on the wording. Non-celebrities say things like “FUCK THAT FUCKER! I’M STILL PRETTY, RIGHT, YOU GUYS?” but it essentially means the same thing as what J Lo’s saying, right?
Let’s listen in more:
On her divorce: “I am positive—determined to move forward with my life, bring up my babies, and do the best job I can as a mother, entertainer, and person. I now look forward to new challenges. I feel strong.”
On her relationships: “I’m a hopeless romantic and passionate person when it comes to love. It’s not that I didn’t love myself before. Sometimes we don’t realize that we are compromising ourselves. To understand that a person is not good for you, or that that person is not treating you in the right way, or that he is not doing the right thing for himself—if I stay, then I am not doing the right thing for me. I love myself enough to walk away from that now.”
See? JUST as irritating as your friend who just got dumped! Except, unlike with them, you can actually say out loud, “JESUS you’re a whiny, self-absorbed mess,” because J LO CAN’T HEAR YOU. Besides, if she could, she’d still ignore you.
Now, make sure to work the following phrase into your conversation today: “...as a mother, entertainer, and person…”
We’ve said it about 15 times each already.
“Honey, as a mother, entertainer, and person, I really think it’s your turn to change the kitty litter.”
“As a mother, entertainer, and person, I think Dianna Agron’s dress looks like crap.”
“As a mother, entertainer, and person, what do you feel like having for dinner tonight?
Oh. Right. Fashion commentary. Okay:
Pretty dress. Great cover. As mothers, entertainers, and people, we like it better in the fuchsia but Jenny favors the white all the time.