The A-List: Bitches and Botox

Well this won’t do at all. This was a mostly uneventful episode and the one thing that did happen was an actual real-life problem which made us – oh, we can’t even say it.

Fine. It made us feel bad for one of these little whores. There. Happy now? Shoot us in the face, please.

PinAustin and husband are riding horses (badly) in the Hamptons. “People are getting on me for my bad behavior,” says Austin, and we lean forward in our seats, because it sounds like the venal little snot might actually be attempting some self-reflection. Could it be? Could Austin really take this time to examine his “life,” (such as it is) and the bad behavior that literally everyone who meets him points out to him? Let’s listen in: “I just want to get away… eat, drink, and be happy with my husband.”

Apparently not.

Derek and Ryan meet with Edwing, his designer; continuing the trend on this show of queens with too many letters in their names (Rodiney, Francky, Edwing).  If you collect them all, you can make a new name with all the extra letters. “I’m not really one for yoga, but shopping centers me,” says Ryan as he comes out of the dressing room in red satin pants and admires himself. Apparently to be “centered” one must also be “blind.”

Derek figures that Ryan is weakened in his shopping state and pounces on him for totally not standing up for Austin in front of the mean girls in the cafeteria who were saying rude things about him. Ryan asks Derek if he thinks he should have spoken up. Cut to Rodiney:

“I was surprised when Ryan told me I should against doing the order of protect.”

Derek says that Ryan should have said something. Ryan explains it away by saying “It was better off for me to relax.” Oh, okay, Ryan. That’s a good explanation. That immediately makes you not sound two-faced at all.

Jake, Austin, and Husband all go to a back-alley Botoxionist, like all A-Listers do. Derek brings up his exciting new boyfriend, who is English, just like Austin’s husband. “Mine is older and richer,” says Derek, because comparing your boyfriend to your best friend’s boyfriend RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM is a totally classy, A-List thing to do. Austin responds with “I like them young and wrinkle-free.” Husband silently moves the ice packs over his eyes so the camera won’t catch him crying.

Rodiney pops up out of his ESL box again: “I don’t trust Derek as far I can throw.”

Back at the botoxionist, Austin informs us that “I don’t have these New York-style relationships with my friends,” and mentions things like camping to expound on this point. Yeah, the botox injections, designer boyfriend, and naked meetings with Playgirl directors don’t exactly help paint the picture that you’re some sort of manly man-of-the-people, Austin. To help illustrate this point, Austin screams like a little girl when he gets a needle. We could have watched another 40 minutes of Austin screaming in pain, but alas, the editors of this show had other ideas.

Mike and Reichen are working out together in an empty gym and talk like two people who barely know each other.

Reichen: I’m still kind of numb from the breakup.
Mike: I think you should lay low and enjoy being alone for 6 or 7 months.
Reichen: I personally don’t want to have a boyfriend.
Mike: I firmly believe Martin and I will be together untill the day we die.Pin
Reichen: The beautiful thing isn’t being together for life, it’s wanting to.

What? Did he get that last line out of a fortune cookie? Or is it something he heard Rodiney say?

Ryan is walking his very gay dogs and meets Austin in the park. The very second he sits down, Austin pounces on him. “Those mean bitches were passing notes about me in Calculus and you didn’t rip them up!” Ryan coolly scans the horizon, adjusts his sunglasses, purses his lips, checks his nails, and then plays his hand.

“Neither did Derek.”

Oh, this girl is good. This girl is verrrrry good.

Faced with new information, Austin’s brain pretty much shuts down for a while. As usual, this does not prevent him from speaking. “I’m a fun drunk!” he exclaims, and everyone who’s ever been in twelve-step winces just a little bit. “Fun for who?” asks Ryan sweetly. “The NYPD?” Do NOT turn your back on this one, girls. She’s clearly smarter than anyone in the group and knows how to play them all. Austin promises to be well-behaved and asks Ryan to come to his Rodiney-free cocktail party so he can prove it.

Derek is on a date with his father who says that New York is more alive than L.A. Oh wait. That’s the boyfriend he’s been gushing over. Didn’t he just say last week that he doesn’t like hanging out with Mike because he’s so old? Apparently that little rule goes out the window when Cartier boxes land on the table. Santa Bear gives him what he calls an “expensive watch” (because when you give a gift, it’s correct etiquette to imply that you spent a lot of money on it), but Derek acts like he just gave him a book of poetry. Santa goes on and on about how he deleted his Manhunt profile out of true love. Now, it’s been a while since we’ve been on the dating scene, it’s true. But it seems to us, when someone you’ve just started dating offers that kind of information, it would be smart to take it with a grain of salt the size of a softball. It seems that Derek’s neither as shallow nor as stupid as we’d Pinassumed, because for the first time he shows both good sense and good taste by being repulsed by the tacky narcissist in front of him. He could have handled old, so long as the Cartier boxes keep flying, but old, weird, and tacky simply couldn’t overcome Derek’s love of presents.

Nyasha is in the recording studio singing one note at a time and then cheering for herself for singing a note. This single is going to take years to produce.  TJ stops by because he’s unemployed and appearing on this show is all he’s got going on.  Nyasha informs us that TJ “keeps it real all the time.” And that’s largely true. Only someone adept at “keeping it real” would even think of appearing on camera doing the spasmodic jerks and twitches he calls dancing. When he’s done with his little fit, he breathlessly tells Nyasha that it’s the most amazing song ever recorded. Yes, the boys all decided she was broke-down and tacky, but TJ needs to pay his bills, so ass-kissing it is, apparently.

Austin goes to see his “friend,” celebrity stylist Phillip Bloch, who has morphed into a 21st Century Charles Nelson Reilly. Austin asks him whether he should do the Playgirl shoot and Phillip hems and haws, finally coming up with, “It’s a terrible idea for your career and tacky as shit, but it’s right up your alley.” Austin rather hilariously attempts to cast his ass-showing as an opportunity to bring the plight of bi-national couples to the masses. Someone’s been hanging out with Reichen a little bit too long. Boys, you’re unemployable attention whores. You’re not “activists” or even “models.” You’re on reality television screeching at each other because THAT IS ALL YOU’RE CAPABLE OF DOING.

Derek meets his assistant (HAHAHAHAHAHA!) Gina for a drink.Like a good fruitfly, she coos and pretends to give a shit about his endless made-up problems. Except… well, this is the first time we’ve ever seen a so-called “problem” on this show where we didn’t immediately shout “Oh, come ON, you little sociopaths!” Liking a guy, then finding out he’s weird and not a good match; that can be pretty devastating when you’re young. We can’t really fling too much poo at Derek for this one. To make matters worst, Austin and his husband have inexplicably (and suspiciously, totally off-camera)  become great friends with Santa Bear since Derek’s last date with him and now Austin is insisting on inviting him to his little non-Rodiney cocktail party. Derek keeps referring to Austin as his best friend but also threatens to never speak to him again if he doesn’t disinvite him to the party.

Reichen and TJ meet up somewhere outside where there are no people. If you’d never heard of Manhattan, you’d think it was a small town with only a couple dozen residents, going by this show. It’s pretty damning that in a city of over 8 million people, LOGO can’t find more than a half-dozen willing to be seen in the same places as the “stars” of this little circus. Anyway, Reichen asks TJ what happened with Ryan and the whole firing business. TJ responds like someone with Stockholm Syndrome. “His Pinwhole thought process is really beautiful.” Oh. Well. That certainly explains everything. Reichen doesn’t press for details because in all likelihood he wasn’t listening to a word and was using all his brain power to figure out when he should start talking again. He and his brain decide on a plan and he asks TJ to come with him to Hawaii because he’s “hosting an event,” which is one of those things unemployable attention whores do to pay the bills.  TJ is entirely too thankful for the offer and leaps up clapping his hands and shrieking in gratitude that a pretty girl asked him to sit at the table.  We just want to slip him a couple bills  and quietly teach him about dignity.

Reichen and Austin meet in an empty bar. “There’s definitely an energy between me and Austin” says Reichen for the 200th time. Austin bows and scrapes and begs Reichen to come to his Rodiney-isn’t-here cocktail party because thinks having a cocktail party will prove to his social circle that he’s not an alcoholic.  That’s like saying “I’ll prove I’m not an arsonist! Can I borrow your lighter?” For all our jokes about his dimness, if there’s one thing Reichen knows how to do (and there is), it’s how to use his looks. Keeping the panting Austin dangling, he doesn’t commit to coming, but tantalizes Austin with the possibility he might.  “Can I think about it and you can text me the address and time?” This would be the cue for normal, or at least dignified people to say “You know what? Don’t do me any favors.” But normal and dignified people don’t feel they have to throw a party to prove they’re not a sociopath, so there you have it.

Finally, the big day arrives and the much-discussed party is under way. Except it’s about a half-dozen people hanging out in a bar that looks to be otherwise empty. We love how these delusional queens always talk about their little soirees as the social event of the season and nobody ever shows up. You’d think at some point it would dawn on them, but no. Every time there’s a new gathering it’s all “My party” this and “My party” that. Running a bar tab is not a party, queens.

Austin goes around to the group of friends who all badmouthed him behind his back and loudly informs them that he doesn’t care if Derek, the only friend who defended him, shows up or not. Santa Bear shows up and Austin and husband greet him like an old friend and fall all over him. Reichen, sensing a new set of eyes that might want to look at him, goes into “coquette” mode, sipping his drink and batting his eyes. It’s fucking HILARIOUS. Especially since no one else paid him the slightest bit of attention. Then everyone starts badmouthing Derek because that’s what you do with this crowd; you hate the person who’s not present. Next party, it’ll be someone else’s turn and that person can act all offended and hurt by it, conveniently ignoring the dozens of times they’ve done the same thing.

Later, Ryan has Derek over for tears and alcohol. Derek is shocked and hurt that the sociopath he used to hate but later decided was his best friend has acted like an asshole to him. Ryan preens and shields her face with her fan so as to hide the smirking. Seeing an opportunity to twist the knife, he asks Derek, “How many times are we going to go around the mulberry bush with this kid?” Derek weeps bitterly into his cocktail, sniffs, looks to the sky and says, “Austin has no idea what he’s done to me.”

Okay, Scarlett O’Hara, hold it right there. Your “friend” invited someone you briefly dated to a bar. Shitty, but hardly the Grand Offense you’re making it out to be. Then again, any storyline that has people telling Austin he’s an asshole is good television, as far as we’re concerned.

[Screencaps: tomandlorenzo.com]

• Reality TV
• The A List