19th Annual ESPY Awards

Posted on July 14, 2011

Darlings, it was the 2011 ESPY Awards at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles! And all the stars in the sky who didn’t have other things to do were there!

Amber Heard in Vivienne Westwood

She’s got two scoops of boob in a single-scoop cone and the shape of the skirt makes it look like it’s stuck in an invisible car door, but it’s not bad. The shoes are uninspired but hair and makeup look great.

 

Kerry Washington in Jenny Packham

We love that pewter color so much more than a shiny silver. That’ll change at some point after we get sick of it, but right now we like it and Kerry’s rocking it. Not crazy about the shape of the dress up top and once again, we’re looking at uninspired shoes. Plus, and we admit that this is super picky, if you’re going to wear 3 rings on one hand, vary their size, shape, and style. Otherwise, your hand looks like a display on a jewelry counter.

 

Maria Sharapova in Alexander McQueen

It’s not our favorite dress in the world; it seems more Versace than McQueen to us. It doesn’t seem to flatter her body that much, even though her body is slammin’. We suppose one must wear shoes like that with a dress like that, but we tend to think a more downplayed shoe was called for here. Also, hair and makeup, honey. Look into having them done when you’re making appearances in front of cameras.

 

Rachel Nichols in Versace

Great look, top to bottom. We might have picked different shoes but that’s just a preference. She certainly didn’t get anything wrong here.

 

Serena Williams in Rachel Roy

Sweetie, congratulations on your boobs, of which you are clearly most proud, but your dress doesn’t fit correctly, causing it to ride up on you, giving you incredibly high shoulders, which, combined with your hair and your totally incongruous Cleopatra necklace, makes it look like you have no neck.  It’s a shame, because it’s quite the kicky little dress AND we agree with your shoe choice, but girl, you need to go up a size. And the last thing any Williams sister needs is shoulder pads.

[Photo Credit: PRPhotos.com]

    • Anonymous

      How fun would it have been if Cathy Cambridge chose THIS Jenny Packham (the one Kerry is sporting) for her Canadian tour (instead of the one she wore)??

      –GothamTomato

      gothamtomato.etsy.com

      • Anonymous

        I’d love this one if the skirt was longer. It’d be so elegant at floor-  or even knee-length. To my eye, it’s disproportionate as a mini, which makes it seem as if the wearer ran out in her tunic without remembering her pants.

      • lilibetp

        Would never happen without at leave six more inches on the skirt.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_T24URKJGBLJQPBWCRPU37IIHLU Krab Louse

        Wouldn’t happen.  The houses (fashion companies) know where their dresses are going and for a client like the Duchess of Cambridge, you aren’t going to see her dress in her particular incarnation on someone else.  If you do, then it is a mistake or it was a “day dress” which would have had a few made with no embarassment to either party wearing the particular style. 

    • http://twitter.com/annie_wonder Annie

      If Serena William’s dress had no sleeves and her shoes fit her, I think it would be the prettiest and most feminine she’s ever looked. But then maybe I’m just distracted by her giant BOOBS.  

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MNMVM2GPVUEIOJXBOSLCXKAW4U judy brown

        Monty Python sings for Serena:

        “She ‘ad A Lovely Pair o’ Coconuts,Bountiful, and standin’ pert n’ highBig ones, Oh yeah…Just as big as yer ‘ead’Couldn’t be missed, top o’ the listA real show piece, I saidShe ‘ad A Lovely Pair o’ Coconuts,Blossoming with cleavage, low and richOhh what a sight, best boobies of the night”

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_64HSRZWCSJ5RBFGCWDLFQOICYM G

        Giant boobs, yes.  But you need to search out a photo of this from the back.  Boobs aren’t the only part of her that is giant… and this outfit absolutely does her no favors.  I bet TLo are too respectful to show that view.

        • http://twitter.com/annie_wonder Annie

          Oh. My. 

          I take back everything I said. Jeebus, that dress is not good from the BEHIND, if ya know what I’m saying.

          • Anonymous

             Disagree.  That is an AWESOME ass! 

        • Anonymous

          Jesus, Mary and Joseph. That back view.

           If that woman’s got an ounce of acting ability somebody needs to write a series of films in which she stars as a warrior goddess. She looks like she’s got less than 10% body fat and I’m reasonably certain she could slay enemy legions merely by stripping down to one of those bikini-like get-ups that B-movies seem to think would work for warrior females and letting the sun glint off her oiled muscles.

          Too exploitative for a professional who’s worked hard since childhood to get to the top ranks of an extremely competitive sport? I’m not so sure she’d see it that way given that she chose to wear that dress.

    • narita_rayna

      i swear, at first i thought serena was whitney houston.  that look aged her severely.  which is a crying shame, cause shes got a killer body & this outfit could have been really cute. she needs to burn that necklace though – its for dowagers & drag queens.

      sharapova is another one who came really close.  perfect figure, cute (if a little short) dress, but she hasnt got the first clue how to stand for the cameras.  a little cross-over leg, lean back & pout… she could have sold it.  but who let her to a red carpet w/o a hair & make-up team?

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Linda-Harris-Foxwell/1520143324 Linda Harris Foxwell

        I thought it was Whitney Houston as well!

        • Anonymous

          No offense to Ms. Houston’s talented past but she wishes she looked this good today.

    • Anonymous

      That McQueen dress on Maria is so ill fitting in the bust area.  Awful…  I love Kerry Washington in her look, I loathe that Versace dress.  It fits well enough but I think that black appliqued detail looks shoddy and poorly done.  Pucker, pucker, pucker.

      And Serena – TITS!!!!  TITS, TITS and more TITS!!  We get it, you got ‘em.  Jesus christ, that is awful, head to toe.

      • Anonymous

        Pretty typical Serena look. She has a difficult time differentiating Ho from sexy.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_T24URKJGBLJQPBWCRPU37IIHLU Krab Louse

        Dear, that’s not “pucker” on those leather pieces up the back.  Leather does that because believe it or not, it CAN wrinkle even when it has been sewn to fabric.  Yes, the design looks cheap and tacky but there’s no puckering on that dress.  

    • Anonymous

      I love women’s (and men’s) tennis. I think both Maria and Serena are drop dead gorgeous women as well as phenomenal athletes, but they both look like crap here, and I’m so disappointed! They both look better in their tennis outfits than they do here! That dress does nothing for Maria, and Serena looks like she is a hooker doing paralegal role play!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1405004314 Cindi Tracy Aune

      At least the women are wearing designer dresses now and not shopping at “The Prom Shop” :O

    • Anonymous

      I can’t believe there is no commentary on Brian Wilson’s spandex onsie tuxedo look!!!

      • Anonymous

        I KNOW!!  I saw that pic earlier this morning and am dying for the TLo treatment by the bitter kitten brigade.  The pic I saw had him coyly covering his package with his hand.  I trust TLo to have a full package shot for us to comment on.

      • Anonymous

        Right? Maybe it’s just too obvious for comment? I’m still laughing at his penguin costume.

      • http://profiles.google.com/grubhooligan J. Owen Dickson

        Thank you!  I’m dying to read a Brian Wilson reaction from TLo!

    • http://profiles.google.com/sauchih Sau-Chih Feng

      Rachel Nichols’ dress is beautiful and has great design elements :)

    • scottyf

      Ms. Williams’ breasts just reached through the computer screen and gave me a black eye.

      You will be hearing from my lawyers.

      • http://twitter.com/apt9000 Tina O.

        Be glad TLo didn’t show pictures of her backside, you might have landed in the hospital.

    • Anonymous

      When your tatas look more like butt cheeks than boobs, you know you’re using waaaaay too much tape.

    • Anonymous

      Serena’s grapefruit looking fake breasts look ridiculous – especially in that “dress” 

      I have noted quite a few dresses out now that would be so cute if they were not cut so ridiculously low/open

      • Anonymous

        So agree with you!  First, it’s justs sad that a woman with a body as gorgeous as Serena Williams’s would feel the need to have her actual breasts transformed into bocce balls. I mean, SAD. And the purchased breasts look pathetic.  And I’ve noticed the same about a number of dresses/tops that are cut so low you can almost sense the presence of the good china, just a bit south.  They rarely fit well and ruin the overall look of the dress. 

        So, Serena, if your main fashion goal now is to display those puppies you bought, make sure you place them in something that fits.  Which the top of this dress does not.

        And Maria Sherapova, take note: Affixing bling, dyeing it black, and ripping the bodice does not change a tennis dress into evening wear. 

        Finally, Amber Heard. One beautiful woman. One major mistake of a dress.

      • http://visceralresponse.com Dina dV

        Fake?  HAHAHAHAHA.  Those are all natural, as any slo-mo replay of her running for a volley will prove. 

        Love her, but Serena’s never really known how to put those things away.

        • Anonymous

           Hey Dina  (isn’t that a song), anyway… I have have DD’s since I was in jr high.    That shape is NOT natural,   You can force large breasts up and to look rounder but NOT that round and not that exposed. 

          • http://visceralresponse.com Dina dV

            I know what fake boobs look like but I also know that Serena’s been rocking those knockers since she was 16.  The size hasn’t gotten larger so…did she get a reduction and then implants? Why not just a lift? 

            • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_T24URKJGBLJQPBWCRPU37IIHLU Krab Louse

              You’re right, they’re definitely hers.  She’s just more defined muscularly so her breasts just look rounder in some garments and underpinnings.   Just look at any woman who has lost a lot of weight.  Their boobs will look like they’re further apart and rounder.

            • Anonymous

               You think a woman’s breast look ROUNDER when she’s lost Weight?   Not that I’ve even seen

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_T24URKJGBLJQPBWCRPU37IIHLU Krab Louse

            Nope, sorry.   Her breasts are real.  If you’ve ever actually seen breasts of a large size pushed up in the right bras and the right tape and underpinnings, yes, they do look like hers.  Hell, I can get mine to look like that by wearing an ordinary “balconette” everyday bra.  You have to keep in mind that her breasts are surrounded by muscle and not much fat so they won’t be “tear dropped shaped” to begin with.  When I was 50 pounds overweight, my breasts went up to a double FF and they just looked like matronly blobs which is probably what you are describing here.  When I got back down to my long distance runner’s weight, they looked just like Serena’s  because they were no longer distorted by fat changing their shape.

        • Anonymous

           Hey Dina  (isn’t that a song), anyway… I have have DD’s since I was in jr high.    That shape is NOT natural,   You can force large breasts up and to look rounder but NOT that round and not that exposed. 

        • Anonymous

           Hey Dina  (isn’t that a song), anyway… I have have DD’s since I was in jr high.    That shape is NOT natural,   You can force large breasts up and to look rounder but NOT that round and not that exposed. 

        • Anonymous

          I’m with you Dina dV, I’ve been watching her play since she was a young thing and I don’t think those are fake.  I think it’s just an unfortunately ridiculous side effect of whatever she’s using to hoist those puppies in place.

          I’m no expert on boob jobs nor an avid follower of pro tour gossip, so I could be wrong, but my original comment for this post wondered why one would want to make real tits look fake ’cause that’s what I think happened here.

          • Anonymous

            Plus, I doubt a serious pro athlete would monkey with the mechanics of her body like that till after she retired.

            • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_T24URKJGBLJQPBWCRPU37IIHLU Krab Louse

              You are right and there was just an article recently (you can look it up because I dont’ remember her name) of a tennis player who jumped from the bottom to the top of her country’s league table after she had a breast REDUCTION.   Serena knows better than to get weight added to her chest which would distort her playing.  If anything, she’d have it removed but she didn’t have the same issues as this other tennis player.  Wait til you see her.   did a quick search and found it.   http://news.softpedia.com/news/Tennis-Player-Gets-Breast-Reduction-to-Improve-Game-143188.shtml

            • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_T24URKJGBLJQPBWCRPU37IIHLU Krab Louse

              No photos on that link but you can see her name and see after photos somewhere else.   Kind of irrelevant really – she had big boobs, that’s about it.

            • Anonymous

              Dang, that poor woman. At least the on Ms. Williams the curvature is proportional.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_T24URKJGBLJQPBWCRPU37IIHLU Krab Louse

        Her breasts aren’t fake.  Ask any woman over a “D” cup, that cleavage and lift is very easily obtained with a demi cup plunge bra.  She has had large breasts since she first hit the scene years ago but now that she is more defined and the  “puppy fat” is gone, one can see more of the outline.  They’re definitely hers.  The jury is still out about the nose job, though. 

    • Anonymous

      Back of Rachel Nichols dress is HIDDY! YUCK! And I agree-where’s my husband Brian Wilson?

    • Judy_J

      I’m not impressed with any of the fashions I’ve seen here, with the exception of the green Versace dress, which has a cute little ’80’s vibe about it.

    • Anonymous

      That first picture of Jenny Nichols (who is she???) looks as if the first thing she will do after the pic is taken is take off her shoes and put on flip flops… jeez, my feet hurt just lookin at hers!!

    • Anonymous

      I mean, how are you Serena Williams in that outfit and look in the mirror and say to yourself, this looks great??

    • Anonymous

      I think Serena Williams is wearing a suit, not a dress.

      (Or, more accurately: I think a suit, not a dress, is wearing Serena Williams.)

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know who Rachel Nichols is, but that is one cool Versace dress.

      • Alyson Lamble

        You might remember her from either Star Trek (I didn’t recognize her without the red hair and green body paint) and/or GI Joe.  (again, with the red hair)

        • Anonymous

          She was also in the last season of Alias (had to recruit another field agent since Jen Garner was pregnant that season).

    • Anonymous

      How the hell does Serena get them to, uh, do that?  Is it tape?  A really tight bra?   How? 

      • Anonymous

        Most likely chicken cutlets: http://bit.ly/ieO7sf

    • Alyson Lamble

      Serena and Maria probably would have been better off swapping dresses.

    • http://twitter.com/bfnh bee effin aye’ch

      we need to see the back of serena’s dress to truly appreciate the fit.
      http://img.ibtimes.com/www/data/images/full/2011/07/14/130670-espy-awards-2011.jpg

    • Anonymous

      Excuse me, I couldn’t quite see Serena’s boobs.  Could we get a close up?

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_REGR34EOZSEHNVYOTMKECIGYOE Nilda Albino

      When Serena came on stage, both my boyfriend and I shouted “BOOBS!” I couldn’t take my eyes off them the ENTIRE time she was speaking… they were like magnets!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=2235614 Mercy Garetz

      LOVE Kerry Washington’s shoes, sorry boys.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=2235614 Mercy Garetz

        Nichols’ shoes, otoh, make her look pigeon toed.

    • Anonymous

      One of the things that’s throwing me off Ms. Serena is her fake-ass weave coupled with the propped-up boobs! Makes her look like a cheap drag queen, especially with the necklace.

      I love that Versace dress, and you can tell she does too.

      • Anonymous

        The Williams preferences in hair, nails and jewelry do sometimes border on what the high school girls I know would call “ghetto-fabulous.”

        Apparently it is sometimes a good thing and sometimes a bad thing, but I am not adept enough at the arcane world of teen girl fashion to tell the difference.

      • Anonymous

        The Williams preferences in hair, nails and jewelry do sometimes border on what the high school girls I know would call “ghetto-fabulous.”

        Apparently it is sometimes a good thing and sometimes a bad thing, but I am not adept enough at the arcane world of teen girl fashion to tell the difference.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_COO4CCCPEVDT7IG5IOVGN3AZAM Its Yo Hipsta Treyshon

      Where is Brian Wilson!!!!!!!  

    • Anonymous

      Serena, darling, those are possibly the most fake boobs I’ve ever seen. Put them away, I’m eating.

    • Anonymous

      Oh Serena, Serena, Serena!
       

    • Anonymous

      Regardless of the provenance of Ms. Williams’ chestal accessories, she looks disgusting. The nails, hair and too-tight dress just help add up to ‘hooker’, not ‘successful and beautiful tennis champion’.

      I actually feel sorry for her – what kind of terrible self-esteem issues must she have if she feel she needs to go around looking like this, especially at a SPORTS award event? She’s not an ‘actress’ whose looks are her ‘talent’  – she actually HAS a formidable talent.

      And I think the back of Rachel Nichols’ dress is ugly. It looks like she’s wearing a giant black leather question mark. Can’t believe TLo liked this…

    • Anonymous

      Oh, Maria!  The dress is cute enough, but she could do soooo much better; she almost looks like she’s ready to go on court.  *sigh

      I agree that Serena needs to go up a size.  And she has boobs!  Who knew?  On the bright side, I was glad to see she wore someone else’s clothes.

    • http://profiles.google.com/sara.e.munoz Sara Munoz

      Congrats Serena on even being able to breathe. I’ve got big hair and big boobs (and a short neck) and I am freaking out just looking at that picture.

    • http://twitter.com/apt9000 Tina O.

      Are we going to see a men’s post too? There was a whole spectrum of crack in that department. 

    • Anonymous

      LOVE that Versace!

    • margaret meyers

      The halter top on the Alexander McQueen is doing strange things — it makes it look like Maria’s boobs have been removed.

    • Ella B. Mudge

      When I see the head-and-boobs-and-shoulderpads shot of Serena, I keep thinking “Joan Collins.”

    • Anonymous

      Huh. Ms. Kerry Washinton’s top wouldn’t look so wrong if there were more skirt. Longer and perhaps full. Then she’d look like an extremely flashy executive assistant, but at least there’d be some balance.

      Ms. Sharapova, no. Yes, you’re lovely and uber-fit, so you can. But no.
      You look like the extra that got to the costume rack last.

      It’s a mad, mad, world indeed where someone would intentionally make their real breasts look like bad implants. Serena, I’m looking at you. Dress is too small. I’m glad you enjoy being a girl, but you’re an imposing one to begin with, needn’t beat us over the head with it.

    • Anonymous

      Forgive me, but I just don’t understand the gyno-length hem (Kerry? Sharpie?).

      First, In terms of design, the proportions are almost always noticeably off.

      Second, you can’t reach, hug, gesture, bend more than a couple of degrees, or even sit comfortably with a skirt this short.  If you’re not standing still, you have to be on High Alert.  Who wants to spend an evening like that?

      (Or am I doin it rong?)

    • Anonymous

      Such pretty women. Don’t like anything but the green dress on Rachel Nichols. I’m tired of the stylists who dress their ladies all alike, though.

    • Anonymous

      Such pretty women. Don’t like anything but the green dress on Rachel Nichols. I’m tired of the stylists who dress their ladies all alike, though.

    • Nancy McDermott

      What about the men?

    • http://www.sineaddoyle.com Sinead

      Ooh, I have to disagree with TLo. Love Amber Heards dress. The structure is fantastic. It’s a very skilfully designed piece and she looks perfect in it.
       And I think Kerry’s boobs look a little melty in the silver, sorry.

    • http://www.sineaddoyle.com Sinead

      Ooh, I have to disagree with TLo. Love Amber Heards dress. The structure is fantastic. It’s a very skilfully designed piece and she looks perfect in it.
       And I think Kerry’s boobs look a little melty in the silver, sorry.

    • Anonymous

      Loves: Kerry Washington’s and Rachel Nichols’s oufits
      Needs Work: Senrena Williams’s, Maria Sharpova’s and Amber Heard’s-  the dresses are all fantastic, but dang at least get a proper fit.

    • http://phantomminuet.blogspot.com/ MinAgain

      That Versace dress is a fantastic color, and one that doesn’t show up that often on the red carpet.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_T24URKJGBLJQPBWCRPU37IIHLU Krab Louse

      Disappointed there’s no back photos of Serena Williams.  OMG!  You think the front ride up?  Wait’ll you see the back.

    • Lisa

      The Versace dress is amazing – she looks fabulous!

      Oh, and Serena, those are just the worse fake boobs I’ve seen outside of a Jenna Jameson movie!

    • http://needtherapy.tumblr.com skadi1

      The view of Venus from the front totally misses her very impressive giganticus booty.  I have to say, I was SERIOUSLY impressed.

    • http://needtherapy.tumblr.com skadi1

      The view of Venus from the front totally misses her very impressive giganticus booty.  I have to say, I was SERIOUSLY impressed.

    • Anonymous

      Too much boob on Serena

    • Anonymous

      How does she play tennis in those things? Ouch.

    • Kyle Henry

      I wish Serena Williams would crawl under a rock and stay there.  Her huffing and puffing during Wimbledon matches had me wishing, but instead she’ll catapult into red carpet stardom akin to Anna Kournikova. 

      It always freaks me out when she’s sitting next to Anna Wintour.  That’s a fight I’d pay to see!  Actually…Maria… grab your racquet and do some damage to both.

    • http://twitter.com/EBarkenbush Ellen Barkenbush

      Aw, no coverage of Lolo Jones or Allison Felix’s dresses? They were probably the only two athletes who dressed to fit their bodies and looked good!