Pairs Division: Alves and McConaughey

Posted on June 10, 2011

Ohmigod, you guys! Time-traveling Matthew McConaughey has come here from the year 2031! Do you think he’s traveled back in time in order to prevent some horrible apocalypse? Or do you think he just wanted to score some time with the 2011 model of his hot wife? Either way, the old boy has still got it:

Camila Alves and Matthew McConaughey at the 39th AFI Life Achievement Award Honoring Morgan Freeman in California.

Wait, no. That’s not right. The old boy doesn’t have it at all. In fact, what the hell happened to him? This post is from 3 months ago and he easily looks ten or 15 years younger there. Mattie must have gone on quite the bender after that last movie flopped. Matt, buddy, dude, you can’t be our age and go on benders anymore. What once took no more than an aspirin, a cold shower, and one carb-heavy diner breakfast to get over now wreaks its havoc on our faces pretty much semi-permanently. You look like a tent-revival preacher who sells pee-porn from the trunk of his car. We don’t care if the body still looks slamming under that tux and we don’t even care if the tux looks well-fitted and expensive, YOU have got to get yourself to a spa, shave off that lip caterpillar, moisturize that face, GET THAT SHIT OUT OF YOUR HAIR, and dry out that blood stream.

HE: See above. Score: 2/10.

SHE: Looks like she’s doing all the work here,  poor thing. Score: 8/10.

Combined score: 5/10. Mattie? You best get to work on yourself.

[Photo Credit: getty, wireimage[

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000060490093 Anita Freiler Palmer

    He’s starting to look like Robert Duvall…

    • Anonymous

      Oh my god, he does!

    • Anonymous

      He really does!

    • http://profiles.google.com/denise.alden Denise Alden

      Yeah, and not in a good way.  In fact, he’s making Robert Duvall look bad.

    • Anonymous

      Oh, good call.

    • Anonymous

      Without the talent or intelligence or integrity.

    • http://profiles.google.com/sara.e.munoz Sara Munoz

      I was going to say Sam Elliott, but no, Duvall is more like it. 

  • Anonymous

    Ha! I said to myself “he’d look OK if he got rid of that caterpillar on his upper lip”. “tent-revival preacher” indeed.

    I’d give Camilla a 10/10. Besides looking amazing, she deserves a couple extra points for all the heavy lifting.

  • Anonymous

    She does look stunning

  • Anonymous

    He looks like he smells really awful.

    • Anonymous

      Ever since I read an interview where he said he doesn’t use deodorant because “a man should smell like a man” or some such BS I swear I can smell his funk oozing off the page. He’s never appealed to me, always looks greasy/smelly/stoned.

      • aimee_parrott

        Heh.  Yes, I can’t look at pictures of him without thinking that he has BO, and I hadn’t even heard that quote about the deodorant!

  • Cydne Butler

    Yikes!  He looks awful here.  She normally doesn’t do much for me but she looks amazing (maybe because he looks so bad?)  Take a shower Matt!

  • MilaXX

    WOW! Harsh. Now I’ll admit Matt looks a little puffy, the porn stache needs to go and he needs to wash 90% of that product out of his hair, but he’s dressed appropriately, and the suit fits him well. I’d bump him up to at least a 5/10. Camilla is definitely doing all the work here. There is nothing I can faulty with her look. 8/10 is a fair.
    Final score 6.5/10

    • Anonymous

      Yes, from the neck down, he’s fine.

  • http://twitter.com/miggylol Miggy!

    If you tried to describe her dress to someone it would come off as pure Vegas camp. I’d also give her a 10/10 not only for the heavy lifting of carrying around him like a knapsack, but of somehow making that dress look fab.

  • http://twitter.com/VicksieDo Vickie Lord

    They aren’t married, are they?

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_3JSTXMWWVZN2QNP2UEKJMTWD7U Isabel

      Nope.

      Read somewhere that she likes to work.

      I think that she’s afraid of being left out in the cold with the kiddies

  • Delaney Davis

    Gah. Here’s hoping he sees pictures of this event and realizes he cannot wear facial hair again for at least 15 more years.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_RK5MAF2VNT32ULNYFIXDANTEC4 Terence

    Your hair does not look good wet.  Fluff.  Fluff the shit out of it.

  • http://twitter.com/aidanboleyn Aidan B

    Ugh. I have never understood why women found him attractive. This makes me want to say “told ya so!”

  • Anonymous

    He looks like a 70s porn star here, gross.

  • Anonymous

    OMG, Anita. I thought the very same thing and even went back to look at images of RD to prove myself correct. Matt’s looking a little too The Great Santini here. Very strange and frightening for someone forty-years his junior.

    • http://profiles.google.com/denise.alden Denise Alden

      Yes!  I don’t know what everyone is complaining about.  Robert Duvall clearly got his money’s worth from The Hair Club for Men, and is hot enough to snag McConaughey’s babe.  What the problem?

  • Anonymous

    After seeing an elegant Bill and Cathy, my first reaction to these two was. Ewwwwwww….. Ick…….. Very tacky. He is bringing her way down. I don’t really mind the gold dress. It looks fantastic on her, on her own she looks great, but next to the mess that Matt is, she looks trashy.

  • Amanda in Austin

    He looks like he could be Robert Duvall’s younger brother, by only 10 years or so. NOT GOOD!

  • Anonymous

    she is stunning. he looks like a serial killer.

  • Anonymous

    I like the iridescent quality of her dress.  Who’s the designer?  He looks like he’s been, as we say in the South, “rode hard and put up wet”.  Yuck.

  • Anonymous

    What is going on with this?  His lip!  The hair!  I’m frightened.  She looks fabulous.  And she should’ve hired someone to hold him down while someone shaved his lip and fixed his hair.  Or locked herself in the bathroom and refused to come out until he did something with himself.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=717883898 Glynis Fediuk

    “You look like a tent-revival preacher who sells pee-porn from the trunk of his car.”

    And this is why I should never read TLo at work. Fantastic.

  • http://visceralresponse.com Dina dV

    He’s a stoner moreso than a drinker, so he likely was too busy playing Wii/his bongos and eating Funnyuns and didn’t have time to shower or shave, so he just slicked back his greasy hair. 

    Doesn’t excuse how badly he looks, just my explanation for it.

  • Anonymous

    His suit doesn’t look that well fitted…

  • http://profiles.google.com/angelarosesarno angela rose sarno

    goodness, if she is only an 8 looking like that, what’s the girl gotta do to be a 10?  get him to shave?

  • Anonymous

    Wow. Compared to his “oh my Gawd no” Camila Alves looks like Egyptian royalty. I keep hearing Arnold Vosloo in “The Mummy” calling out for Anck-su-Namun, Anck-su-Namun. 

    and I love those BROWS, girl.  

    • Anonymous

      Arnold Vosloo… *swoon* …

  • scottyf

    I’m gonna pray that there is another post coming on this event.

    Please. PLEASE tell me Soul Brothers, that Camila Alves (as UNBELIEVABLY beautiful as she is) and Matthew McConaughey are not the only things worth talking about at an event honoring Morgan Freeman–especially after that beautiful piece you wrote in the Jennifer Lawrence post?

  • Anonymous

    Poor dear has Texas Face Syndrome; adorable when young but weathers like 60 miles of bad road.

  • Anonymous

    Oh my.

  • Anonymous

    Camila was right. Hair is important.

  • Anonymous

    Who made her dress? Stunning. 

    He looks like a pervert.

  • Anonymous

    He does look pretty dreadful but I would give her a 10/10, so much attention is she drawing away from the poor truck wreck she is accessorizing.

  • Anonymous

    That’s the best I’ve ever seen her look. Stunning. She should wear her hair like that all the time.

  • http://profiles.google.com/paigemano Paige Mano

    Ugh, he does look like he probably smells like pee.  I’m *loving* her hair, though.

  • http://twitter.com/_ignorantbeauty Dee

    She’s a 10.  She’s rarely less than an 8.   Only when she’s speaking. I refuse to comment on whatever happened to Matthew.

  • http://twitter.com/Briadru4 Britney

    It might have something to do with him playing Haymitch in The Hunger Games presently? Maybe? 

    I have no idea. 

    • Sara__B

      I thought Woody Harrelson was playing Haymitch. (I hope it’s not McConaughey. I have never, ever liked him, and I’m so looking forward to The Hunger Games movie.)

      • http://twitter.com/Briadru4 Britney

        Oh GOD, you’re right! I’m… ugh. Embarrassing. 

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2FXYZIJCBOTXXYBFGMESVTCVWM bradybutkus

    She is stunning and so clean.  He’s a dirty trainwreck.  I dont care how well your suit fits, put down the bong and take a shower, dude.  Sheesh!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2CNDPMVO4W23R5TVC2QMTJ5BZE Heather

    Just…. ew.

  • Anonymous

    “What once took no more than an aspirin, a cold shower, and one carb-heavy diner breakfast to get over now wreaks its havoc on our faces pretty much semi-permanently.” Sing it sisters, now if I overindulge if goes right to my face. He looks- as they say in Texas- ”LIke he was rode hard and put up wet” Camilla looks great.She is the only person besides Cher who I think looks good with straight hair parted in the middle, and maybe Jennifer Aniston . 

  • Anonymous

    Her hair looks a thousand times better than it did when she was on Shear Genius.

  • Anonymous

    No. You’re wrong. He doesn’t look *older,* he looks INFINITELY skeevier. Other than that, you have it to a T.
     

  • Anonymous

    He reminds me of the “lounge lizard” that lived in the same dorm I did in 1976. We made fun of the guy, because we could always smell his Aramis cologne about 5 minutes before he arrived. I think he bathed in it.

  • Sara__B

    All “this old boy has got” is a super hot wife, and he’s holding on to her for dear life! McConaughey looks rather sheepish and apologetic, as if he knows he looks lousy. (This is not a man who’s going to age well. Expect more of this in the future.) He IS wearing a nicely fitted tux, but that hair and mustache are so bad that the 2/10 is well-deserved.
    Only 8/10 for Alves? The gown is super shiny and a bit tacky, but she looks flawless in it. 10/10, since I don’t how she could have worked it any better.

  • Anonymous

    I give her 10/10. He’s 1/10, only because his trousers are the correct length. Average is same as yours.

  • Anonymous

    Ewww, skeeeeeezy! His wife looks like an award statue.

  • Anonymous

    Why, why, WHY do people think “the wet look” is OK?  IT”S NOT OK!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Juline-Débaul/100002426617563 Juline Débaul

    She looks really beautiful! Pity he is dragging them down.

  • Elaine Lang

    Oh, dear, don’t these two listen to their TVs? 

    “Hey-uh is Ibbpowahtent ”

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_BUKL3CV3Y66UWR7BWYJMPSDRR4 Annie

    he kinda looks like that porn guy who killed the Playboy centerfold

  • Anonymous

    This guy is not going to age well is he? “You look like a tent-revival preacher who sells pee-porn from the trunk of his car.” How do you guys come up with this stuff? Your snark is the best. Ever.

  • Anonymous

    For me, he’s the male counterpart of Cameron Diaz: fully and completely in the “WHY is this person a movie star??” category.

    Camila Alves – don’t know her but she is absolutely stunning.

  • Anonymous

    He sleeps in a coffin…

  • Erica Moon

    Is his head getting bigger?  

  • Erica Moon

    Is his head getting bigger?  

  • Anonymous

    I read that first paragraph and was about ready to haul out a can of style whoop-ass on you boys for overlooking how horrible he looks….but then you pulled through. Why do I ever doubt your brilliance?

  • Anonymous

    Okay, I agree that Matt has seen better days but I take issue with TLo for giving him a 2/10 when they gave Marc Skelethor Anthony a 4/10 earlier this week. Even with that deliverance inspired pornstache, Matt’s natural gifts should at least get him higher than Mr. JLo.

    • http://visceralresponse.com Dina dV

      Marc at least bothered to shower and shave and I couldn’t smell him, or his hair, through my computer monitor.  That’s worth at least two points.

  • http://diaryofaconsumerpunchingbag.blogspot.com/ Laura Ann Springer

    I hate that slicked back hair

  • Anonymous

    She looks fantastic.  I don’t usually like the shiny gold gowns but this has some interest to it, fits her perfectly, and she has the body and coloring to pull it off.  9/10

    He…looks good from the neck down.  Agree about the hair and ‘stache…horrible.  5/10

    7/10

  • Anonymous

    In addition to all that — which I agree with wholeheartedly; he looks dreadful — the tux doesn’t fit and his posture is terrible.

  • Anonymous

    Wow, she is gorgeous! I wonder what the 2 points were docked for. He…. makes me sad.

  • margaret meyers

    Daylight is the real enemy here, but so is the hair shit.  And he can’t grow a real mustache and sideburns?

  • http://www.facebook.com/sorana.tarmu Sorana Tarmu

    Good God, and I thought the Photoshopped dolphin M.M. in the D&G perfume commercial was bad! Who is this guy? I was living under the impression that M.M is a hottie. Or he found himself an adoring partner and he just let himself go. “Oh, she loves me, no matter how shitfaced I might look”. I loath mustaches as a rule, but that caterpillar under his nose is simply disgusting.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_UDBCEX7F43LCBKPOIVVVLQVILE Mary Nau

    She has the coloring to pull off that dress color.  That is one hard color to wear. 

  • Anonymous

    This couple is so hot,Camilla sure knows how to be more than his arm candy…

  • Lisa

    SHE looks gorgeous!  Love that dress!  HE looks like sleazy 70′s porn guy.

  • Anonymous

    The Hair, The Hair, The Hair! ICK! SUPER ICK!
    Maybe he’s prepping for a character part?

  • Anonymous

    She deserves 10/10–defines fabulous.  I think you were subtracting points from her because of her bedraggled arm candy.  

  • Anonymous

    She looks lovely (saying a lot, since she has annoyed me since Shear Genius), he looks awful from the shoulders up. Agreed, get rid of the facial fuzz and all the goop in the hair.

  • http://twitter.com/karenrubyleo Karen

    this is the most unnerving thing i’ve seen in quite a while!

  • Anonymous

    If he shaved, washed his hair and popped some Visine in his eyes, I’d give him a 6/10 – as is, he gets a 3/10. She looks stunning – 9/10. She loses a point because the gold is just a tad too Vegas for my taste.  

  • http://profiles.google.com/sara.e.munoz Sara Munoz

    Worst excuse for a mustache ever.

  • Margaret Schultz

    LOL remember hay-er is impor-dant.

  • Margaret Schultz

    LOL remember hay-er is impor-dant.

  • Anonymous

    He had some bad eye surgery!

  • http://twitter.com/MarieanneDH MarieanneDH

    Sistagirl is a werq of art.  What the hell happened to him?

  • Anonymous

    Matt, buddy, dude, you can’t be our age and go on benders anymore. What once took no more than an aspirin, a cold shower, and one carb-heavy diner breakfast to get over now wreaks its havoc on our faces pretty much semi-permanently.

    Truer words have never been spoken, TLo. :(