Miss Albania attempts to jump on the Flying Stripper bandwagon with Miss USA. Unfortunately, her sad little wings are clearly non-functional. Besides, she looks a little bit like a gargoyle and that’s not hot.
Miss Angola will KILL YOU AND EAT YOU!
Miss Argentina does not have time for your silly costumes. Miss Argentina is here to find a husband.
As is Miss Aruba. Our money’s on her.
There’s nothing better than playing tennis in 4-inch heels with yards and yards of fabric trailing behind you. Really ups your game, we hear.
And in case you didn’t pick up on the subtle themes here, Miss Belgium kindly carried a tennis racket and stuck a tennis ball in her hair for the slow people in the crowd.
Miss Colombia will be accepting human sacrifices by the fountain outside the Mandalay Resort right after this photo call.
When did the national costume portion of the program get crossed with the swimsuit portion? When did all of these countries decided that the best way to represent their culture and accomplishments was to put a girl in a bikini? Because when we hear “Croatia,” a girl in a bikini is not the first thing to spring to mind. Or the 50th.
Even stranger than the ones whose costumes seem to have nothing to do with their country and everything to do with their tits, are the costumes from countries that have clear and obvious cultural references that the wearer simply doesn’t want to incorporate. The thinking here seems to have been “It’s gold! That’s kind of Egypty, right? Please don’t expect any more of our women to dress like Cleopatra. They’re all sick of it.”
Miss Finland wants you all to know she’s ready. Find her the rich man and she can get married at the drop of a hat. Ask her about the wonders of Finland and she’ll spit out “I’m great in bed and I’ll make you happy!”
The French have issued a fatwa and Miss France has gone into hiding.
Miss Georgia’s pissed that she went the traditional route. She’s all, “Shit. Even that ugly cow from Croatia got to wear a bikini.”
If she really wanted to be provocative, she should have shown more skin and had her sash say “BEEFEATER.”
So here are the only themes as far as we can tell:
3)Some sort of goddess figure
At first we were all “That’s a sad commentary,” but you know what? It’s the Miss Universe Pageant. The only “commentary” here is that silly girls will do silly things for fame and money.
Miss Guyana just got back from taking down an evil Tiger Lord. She will be returning to the jungle shortly, but she just wants to wear 4-inch heels for a little while longer.
Miss Honduras is a gigantic feathered cat creature and she will fuck your shit up if you piss her off.
If you’re gonna be all tasteful and appropriate, Miss India, you might as well stay in your hotel room.
“Faith and begorrah! The wee folke took my skirt and forced me into stripper shoes!”
“Italy! We kill people!”
That’s how it’s done, people. Go and get it, Miss Jamaica.
In Kosovo, their showgirls pay homage to cows.
She’s not really Miss Lebanon. She wandered in from a Ren Faire and someone slapped a sash on her. She’s not even Lebanese.
“The Netherlands! Where we all dress like Shirley MacLaine circa 1978!”
“COME TO PANAMA WHERE ALL OUR WILDLIFE IS OUT OF CONTROL!”
She looks like a wedding invitation from a bride with ADHD.
Miss Serbia wants you to check out her basket.
We’re not sure what this has to do with South Africa but we have to admit the colors are beautiful.
Her dress was packed in 30 small boxes, required a special child-sized tool to put together, and will fall apart the first time it gets humid.
YES! Trinidad & Tobago is not fooling around here!
“Come to Ukraine. We have wheat.”
[Photo Credit: gettyimages.com]