Take it away, Julie!
Meanwhile back at the abbey, The Reverend Mother hears that Maria’s off doing something whacky again instead of whipping herself and saying the rosary eighteen hours a day. Sister Bitchface is all “Get that slut out of here!” but Sister Lila Quartermaine is all “But she’s so cute and I don’t get to look at many cute girls anymore!” Other repressed lesbians join in on the conversation. Sing it, penguins:
The Reverend Mother calls Julie into her office to make her feel like shit about herself. It’s what nuns do. She’s all “Look, you clearly need to get laid before you marry Jesus, so we’re sending you out in the world for a while. Here, go be a governess.”
Tom loved that wallpaper as a little gay boy.
The nuns toss her out on the street in the ugliest clothes they could find, figuring that if she wants to get laid then she’s REALLY going to have to work for it. That’s the best they could do in terms of vagina hattery.
Upon meeting the Captain, she wants it bad, but he’s so appalled by her hideous clothing that he makes her stand ten feet away from him at all times.
The children are similarly disgusted by her attire.
Calling upon her preliminary nun training, Maria is able to make most of the family feel like shit about themselves and reduce them to tears within a couple hours.
Liesl’s all “Fuck this. I’m not gonna let some bitch who cuts her own hair keep ME from getting some action.” and she sneaks off to see her secret Nazi beau, Rolf.
We both had little gay boy crushes on Rolf but 30 years later, that lust has seriously faded. Cute ass, though.
Poor Liesl. Not only is he a Nazi. He’s a gay one, to boot. This girl’s got a lifetime of bad choices ahead of her.
Later, Maria comes to the realization that these are some seriously fucked up kids and does the only thing she knows how to do besides make them feel like shit about themselves. Sing out, Sister:
The Captain is pissed, but Maria’s all “Don’t give me shit, buddy. Your 16-year-old is off entering wet t-shirt contests with gay men and your 14-year-old is afraid of thunder. I don’t even think the 5-year-old can speak, let alone feed herself.”
Figuring they need to learn some harsh lessons, Maria dresses them in clothes even more appalling than her own and forces them to work all day at a fruit stand while whipping themselves and saying the rosary. When they’re good, she lets them eat and sings to them.
While this is all going on, the Captain is off cavorting with the Baroness and her gay friend, Max and thank god for that. Enough with these dreary nuns, we need some fabulosity and the Baroness is here to bring it, bitches.
Look at her. Fabulous. This bitch doesn’t need a vagina hat, choosing instead to wrap her vagina up in a giant bow. She tells Max that she should be able to manipulate the Captain into a proposal any second now.
Due to Maria’s negligence, the children all almost drown in a horrible boating accident.
The Baroness is thrilled at the prospect of dying children.
Sizing Maria up, she sees no competition and decides to hit the liquor cabinet while the Captain yells at her.
But she burns her with her cigarette on the way out. That’s just how The Baroness rolls.
Maria’s having none of it. “Look asshole, you’re off running around with that drag queen and that midget fairy with the creepy mustache and I’m the one that has to make clothes for them out of old drapes because you’re so goddamn stingy! Oh and P.S., your butler’s a Nazi, Sherlock.”
He moves in to beat her when he is stopped by the sound of … what? Why, the sound of MUSIC, darlings!
And as we all know, the sound of music fixes EVERYTHING. The Baroness is unimpressed.
Puppet show! And for no good reason, in ITALIAN:
The Baroness has had enough and unsheaths her claws. “My dear, is there nothing you can’t do? Oh, but of course. Dress yourself.”
Because they still can’t communicate like a normal family, all they do is sing to each other all day. Max and the Baroness proceed to get rip-roaring drunk to deal with the boredom.
Through a haze of liquor, The Baroness makes a shocking discovery.
That little whore is all soft-focus for her man.
“Sit back and watch the show, darling. I’m about to destroy a nun.”
The children are locked out in the backyard because Liesl is prone to strange fits during parties.
The Captain sneaks away for some illicit Lendlering behind the Baroness’ back.
But you’ve got to get up pretty damn early to fool Elsa Von Schraeder, bitches.
She arrives on the scene just as Maria goes all soft-focus again. Humiliated, Maria runs off to force the children to sing because, in this family, all uncomfortable situations are now dealt with by singing:
Elsa is FURIOUS when Max asks Maria to be his date and the Captain agrees.
Maria’s all “Little old me?” while the Baroness tries to figure out how to quietly strangle her with one of her opera gloves.
Instead, under the guise of “helping her pick out an outfit,” she takes the opportunity to point out all her body flaws.
Poor ignorant Maria, not realizing she’s getting played by a master, is overcome with embarrassment over her dirty, sinful body, shitty haircut and ugly clothes. Her work complete, the Baroness flounces out.
“What’s that I smell?”
“Burning nun, darling. Cheers.”
After whipping herself and saying the rosary, Maria puts on her ugliest outfit again and sneaks out of the house. For good? Darlings, tune in next week for the shocking conclusion!