Musical Monday: Funny Girl, Kittens!

Posted on February 05, 2007

Pour a cup of coffee and wait for the pictures to load, kittens!


Funny Girl is the story of an ugly Jewish girl from Immigrantville with a great voice and to-die-for nails who, with the help of her transsexual friends, sings her way into a Park Avenue apartment and fucks her way into a better wardrobe, only to lose the one thing she loved the most, thereby becoming an inspiration to an entire generation of ugly little girls and high-pitched little boys.

Or something.

Anyway, we open with the above shot, as a successful and fabulously attired Fanny Brice pouts her way through an empty theater, reminiscing.


Right after we’re introduced to Barbra as Fanny, we’re introduced to Barbra’s manicure which, let’s face it, is awe-inspiring.


Barbra demonstrates her “playing the piano backwards” technique, which she developed after her nails reached a length of eight inches.


Then she sits down to have a good talk with her nails and think about the past.


We know we’re in the past because Barbra’s breasts are bound and she’s wearing ugly clothes and her nails aren’t visible from across the room. She’s back in Immigrantville, listening to her mother and her friends sing about how ugly she is. Barbra doesn’t care. She’s got talent and a dream. And an eating disorder. She laughs off their concerns and runs off to rehearsal, secure in the knowledge that she only has to wear this shit a little longer and then she’ll spend the rest of the film looking stunning.


Other things happen which aren’t interesting because the clothes are ugly although Barbra does get to sing about how she’s the greatest star and damn, if she’s not adorable but then she comes out wearing this, quite possibly the ugliest dress ever made.

Despite that eyesore, she charms the crowd with “I’d Rather Be Blue” and they love her for it, which they have to, otherwise this would be a really depressing movie.


Backstage, before she can get out of the ugliest dress ever made, she meets Nicky Arnstein and totally makes an ass out of herself over him, causing even the ugly little girls in the audience to get annoyed and mutter “Damn girl, have some dignity.”


Unfortunately, Nick has a taste for the she-males and Barbra, penisless, just can’t compete.


Later, she meets Anne Francis, who for some reason is dressed up like a cake. They hit it off instantly, even though most of Anne Francis wound up on the cutting room floor. Before Anne was completely edited out, she managed to talk Fanny into a makeover by introducing her to a bunch of her drag queen friends.


Now, far be it for us to disparage a great film, but we’re pretty sure there were no such things as pre-operative transsexuals back in the early 1900’s.


Nonetheless, the film is loaded with them and we have to sit through their preening. Apparently the casting director had a taste for the chix with dix.


If we ever decide to have a wedding ceremony, we’re thinking of something along these lines.


Those are total manlegs.


Man.


Men.


Ugly men.

Anyway, Barbra and her tranny posse put on a showstopper and she’s the toast of the town. Or at least, of Immigrantville.


Sporting a fabulous drag queen makeover, she takes Nicky on a tour of her block, but he gets freaked out by her constant moaning and leaves.


She continues her moaning after straddling a lamp post.

In all seriousness, watching Barbra sing “People” is, in fact, like buttah. It’s a trite little song that she interprets beautifully, acting the most Barbra-ey at the moments when her eyes are closed and she’s just singing it.

Anyway, a year goes by, Barbra’s hair gets bigger, her eye makeup thicker, and she and Nicky run into each other again.


That night, he inexplicably takes her to a whorehouse for dinner and now that she looks completely transsexual, decides he wants to have sex with her.

Look at that outfit. Only a drag queen would think of an outfit like that. A drag queen named Periwinkle Pussy.


Omar Sharif tries to sing, but Barbra wisely attempts to get away from his shaky scratches. In the end, she gives in and discreetly loses her virginity, 1968-style. By dimming the lights.

Nicky decides to leave again, but apparently once Barbra got herself a taste of the man meat, she knew she couldn’t let it go.


She decides to leave the tour even though Anne Francis and the boys try to talk her out of it. They look like a box of crayons wearing hats.

Barbra then sings her ass off — on trains, in cabs, and on boats.

Seriously, “Don’t Rain on My Parade” is the whole reason to watch the movie. The very definition of a show-stopper and she’s incredible to watch singing it. Then again, we’re pretty sure any woman wearing a mink turban and singing her lungs out would enrapture us.

Blahblahblah. The film comes to a crashing halt once she gets laid on a regular basis. She meets up with Nicky and they have even more sex and then he wins a lot of money and then they get married.


Then she sings a song entirely about her nails.


Her beautiful, beautiful nails.


Somehow during all this nail-filing and singing, she manages to move into a mansion and have a baby.

After the baby arrives, we never see it again. Barbra loses about 35 pounds of hair and starts dressing like it’s the twentieth century all of a sudden. We feel like we wandered into a different movie. No one sings and Barbra wears fabulous clothes while looking concerned, mature or as if she’s been crying.





Until finally, she has the gender reassignment surgery and Nicky leaves her. Seriously, she looks like a total man there.

Anyway, it’s all very sad and serious, and Nicky turns out to be nothing but a loser and a fuckup and he drops her like a bad habit. Barbra is heartbroken, but she steps up for ugly little girls everywhere and takes one on the chin.

And then she walks out on stage, blows the house down and inspires an entire generation of drag queens with one song. One note.

But don’t shed a tear for her, poodles. She gets to fuck James Caan in the sequel and he’s much hotter than Omar Sharif.

Whew! That was exhausting! Be here next Monday for Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Hot asses and Julie Newmar! Fag heaven!

[Screencaps: tomandlorenzo.com]

    • loyal kitten

      If you do have that wedding ceremony, boys, there better be a movie. And out of thanks to you for the best recap EVER, Babs better step up and do the reception.

    • Anonymous

      LOVE Musical Monday!!!!!! You boys are brilliant. 7 Brides/Brothers – can’t wait – my all time fav. Then, how ’bout Carousel? The dream sequence aches for you…

    • Jules

      OMG – spewing coffee with the first paragraph – what a way to start the day. FABULOUS recap!!!!!

    • madelineanne

      LOVED IT!!
      ANd if you ever do have that wedding ceremony oh pretty please can we pretend I’m a man and let me be one of the back up trannies, because those costumes are amazing!
      Oooo, Seven Brides, bran raisings, axe throwing, Jacques D’Amboise (whose daughter Charlotte is currently Cassie on Broadway in Chorus Line). I can’t wait!!!
      That was too wonderful and hilarious boys!! And now I’m feeling very insignificant because I have not to fabulous nails. *hides hands in shame*

    • PasadenaGuy1965

      OMG I was LMAO over ‘Periwinkle Pussy’. I must think of a way to incorporate that into a conversation today.

    • BigAssBelle

      shaking my head and looking at the nails i just attacked with a manclipper in order to work today.

      Babs is fabulous and I find it a little annoying that she is most often described as ugly, unattractive, etc. etc. etc.

      She has many beautiful features. She’s a little cross-eyed. Has an unusual nose for a woman. I think she is uniquely lovely. I wish that as a society we did not have such a constricted view of beauty.

    • BrianB

      Oh my Lord, just too damn brilliant! I have to admit my Barbra gene is recessive but you’ve given me a new perspective on this movie and Babs herself.

      Love Anne Francis! Once she was out of the picture the movie was a little less bubbly.

      7Bf7B next week? I have to admit my first thought is what a drab movie, but I can’t wait to read your take on it!

      BrianB

    • Anonymous

      This is positively eerie. I just watched that movie last night. I too marveled over the manicure seen round the world. Bravo on the incredibly insightful translation. Must go back and watch the tranny wedding scene again…

    • BG

      Ok, WTF? Seriously…why is she so into her nails?

      In interviews I’ve seen of her, she always has her nails in the shot or gestures to show them off.

    • Yomanda

      I never saw the movie. Can you tell me, what is the last song, please? The one that inspired a generation of drag queens?

    • TLo

      Reload the post, yomanda. Now with YouTube clips!

    • Anonymous

      SO GOOD.

      I am already in love with Musical Monday, and after next Monday (SBFSB is one of my favorite musicals of all time–Howard Keel! Please tell me you’re also going to cover his other great musical, “Calamity Jane” with Doris Day!) I am sure I’ll be beyond thrilled!

      Keep up the most excellent work!

    • ToddNY

      You bitches are simply fabulous. I LOVE this post!!

    • macasism

      Not a big fan of Babs myself. I admire her for making it in a man’s world and for not having a nose job, but 3 hours of her horrific warbling would have me in the psych ward in no time.

      Great recap! I’ll have more to say about 7 Brides because my aunt was one of the chorus girls. And Jacques D’Amboise! Yum!

    • thombeau

      Girls, you have positively OUTDONE yourselves! I laughed so hard I almost spilled my champagne!

    • Suzanne

      There is that photo of Laura from the Entertainment Weekly cover…SOOOOOO Fanny Brice.
      I know, I have ot drag Laura into everything. Sorry…

    • Bill

      Brilliance!

      OMG – I almost fell out of my chair over the “If we ever decide to have a wedding ceremony, we’re thinking of something along these lines.” comment. And then following it with the ‘man’ comments about the chorus. Had to run to the bathroom giggling.

      I NEED you guys to review every movie musical ever made.

    • Anonymous

      BG said…

      Ok, WTF? Seriously…why is she so into her nails?
      In interviews I’ve seen of her, she always has her nails in the shot or gestures to show them off.

      BG, the answer is simple, she’s been biting her nails and had always ugly hands, but now with the help of manicures, she’s over it, and she has to show it to the world!!!

      Anyway, I think Omar Sharif is so sexy! And you guys are simply FABULOUS!

    • jenna sais quoi

      Eeeeeee!

      Okay, I have never seen Funny Girl- but now I feel as if I have.

      And I am afraid that the wait until next Monday is going to kill me. Seven Brides is my absolute favorite.

      Not just because I get to swoon over Jeff Richards. Even though he couldn’t dance, he made for pretty scenery.

    • DON’T RAIN ON MY PARADE

      I AM HIS FOOOOOOOOOOOOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVERRR
      MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
      OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
      OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE…..

      This woman is AMMMMMAZING!

    • Angie

      Oh man! That was great but Seven Brides is my favorite movie, in the world. This is really great, this musical recap thing, it’s where I live guys. I never knew it could be like this!

    • Sewhat?

      buttah

    • Miss Janey

      Not only did La Streisand inspire drag queens the world over, but she inspired ALL us ugly duckling girls dying to get out our small town ruts and BE SOMEBODY. Barbra RULES.

    • Anonymous

      oh musical mondays!!! now i have a reason to go to work in the morning!! reading about babs’ transexual makeover made my day… and i love seven brides… cant wait for next week!!!

    • Anonymous

      THE GAYBOYS said…
      But don’t shed a tear for her, poodles. She gets to fuck James Caan in the sequel and he’s much hotter than Omar Sharif.

      WHAT? Sonny Corleone over Sharif Ali?
      Put your specks on, boys and enter the correct dimension. Omar is style, sex and smarts over Jimmy Caan. The male version of Hair Harpy Cage Match is ON!

    • Miranda

      The Gayboys’ fabulous wedding … I can just picture it. Instead of a side for bride and a side for groom, there should be a side for hags and a side for fags … except that we hags wouldn’t be able to stay away from the fags’ side. :-)

    • Lucie

      This is the best blog I have read all day! I wanna run home now and watch Barbara… and hope not to watch it over and over again like I did when you wrote about White Christmas! So Funny!

    • Muse of Ire

      You made me laugh more than this movie ever did. Although I do still giggle when Babs says, “Schvans.”

    • frogboots

      this is the best blog post i have EVER, EVER read.
      EVER.

      and “Other things happen which aren’t interesting because the clothes are ugly” may become my new most-used sentence.

      yay!!

    • ThatBrunette

      Delicious!

      Please do the sequel of FUNNY LADY! A few mentions of Roddy would be nice, too.

      Oh, my fave comment? Box of Crayons with hats!

    • Amie

      OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD. You have me in STITCHES BITCHES! LOVIN’ IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you did these recaps of old movies every week on this blog, that would be the bomb.

    • Granite Janet

      That’s it. I’ve never seen Funny Girl but now I’m renting it. And Seven Brides, too. Can’t miss out on all the fun!

    • macasism

      anon 3:11 is really on to something with this comment

      The male version of Hair Harpy Cage Match is ON!

      Oh, let’s! We can just give Diahann the gold medal as far as I am concerned and get on to the hunkitude.

      And I agree, Omar over Jimmy any day.

    • frogboots

      i have never seen/heard barbra sing until i watched that clip. and…wow.

      is it possible to be a straight woman AND also a gay man????

    • brilliant

      The male version of Hair Harpy Cage Match is ON!

      Yes, please!

      (consider this another vote for Oh! Mar-velous Sharif over Jimmy Cannnot)

    • Anonymous

      “Other things happen which aren’t interesting because the clothes are ugly”

      Do I smell a new tee shirt…?

      OK, about Barbra:
      I lack the Barbra gene. I think that she sings beautifully, that she is very talented (a little overboard with the nails though and tends toward type-casting, neh?), and I also happen to think that she’s beautiful.

      I just can’t stand the sound of her voice.

      Does that make any sense at all? Do I need counselling?

      Help me.

    • Zara

      Dorcas was always my favorite. Rarrrr.

    • Anonymous

      Damn, those are men. How the hell did I watch this 700 times between the ages of 10 and 14 and never get that? Ah, naive youth.

      Great, great post, guys. Any chance of a little On A Clear Day action? Yves Montand, Jack Nicholson and lots and lots of period costume cleavage! It doesn’t get any better than that.

    • Anonymous

      this post made me laugh hard. it more than makes up for the Judy-bashing post, which injured my rather sensitive soul.

      I can’t wait till next Monday (never thought I’d say that). Promise me that someday you’ll do a recap of Flower Drum Song, Les Girls, and Funny Face.

    • potty mouth princess

      “Box of Crayons with hats!”

      Well, it WAS 1968 after all. It also looks suspiciously like polyester.

      I saw the close-up beading on those bridesmaids gowns. It's clear La Laura will be designing both the gowns and the sets for the T&L nuptials.

      xoxo

      PS: I’ve missed Musical Mondays before today…I better go back and check for West Side Story and the prancing gang boys. :-)

    • Vera

      Oh, honeys. I think I’m a bit in love with you. In a “It’s completely okay with me that you have no interest in my vagina” kind of way.

      This is not one I grew up with from childhood, but as soon as I saw it I went straight (ha ha, straight) to the vintage record store downtown and grabbed every piece of Babs vinyl I could get my hands on. The ridiculous costumes combined with La Streisand taking those songs and singing the mutha-lovin’ shit out of them, ending in ugly girl heartbreak? It’s overwhelmingly delicious.

      And followed by Seven Brides? SEVEN BRIDES? Howard Keel, the man who made things happen in my panties before I knew what those things meant, Jane Powell in Country Chic dresses made of quilts, the barn raising dance (a.k.a. 9 minutes of homosexual glory), the joyous testosterone explosion of “Sobbin’ Women,” that tramp Dorcas whoring it up in her skivvies, pretending she plans to get “married in June” before mauling Benjamin in a haystack? It may just be perfect.

    • kora in hell

      movie monday – what fun. and so many gems:

      she sits down to have a good talk with her nails … Anne Francis, who for some reason is dressed up like a cake … we’re thinking of something along these lines. … those are total manlegs. … Barbra and her tranny posse … a drag queen named Periwinkle Pussy … a box of crayons wearing hats … she sings a song entirely about her nails … You’ve restored it to the way it was intended.

      And next week — I just adore Julie Newmar.

    • thombeau

      No question about it, you guys should have a commentary track on the dvd!

    • Vic

      Such a delicious recap. Babs in the 60’s and early 70’s was my favorite actress bar none. Mobile facial expressions, greatness in her voice, funny as hell, and so talented it hurt to see her. Well, I could go on and on. Funny Girl is the best, even though the second half of the movie doesn’t match the first half. Thanks for the trip down Mammary Lane.

    • Anonymous

      i can’t wait for 7 brides! that has to be the GAYEST movie i have ever seen. and Julie Newmar is like 7 feet of fabulousity!

    • Anonymous

      That was the funniest recap ever.
      “We know we’re in the past because Barbra’s breasts are bound and she’s wearing ugly clothes and her nails aren’t visible from across the room.” I can’t stop laughing at that. Thanks for making my day.
      ~kc

    • Anonymous

      I’ve always loved this movie, but not her singing. Ugh, makes my ears bleed! But she is so funny and so captivating to watch.

      Sorry, I have to go with the gayboys on the Omar/Jimmy thing. Yeah, I know James Caan is old enough to be my grandfather, but dang, I think he’s still hot now!

      7bf7b…yay!!!! My all time fave musical. Please, please, please, have an alone shot of Benjamin so I may drool on my keyboard. *puppy face*

      I also vote for Flower Drum Song, and Funny Face, but let us not forget the fun of Brigadoon…men in skirts, Gene Kelly frolicking in a field of flowers, and a whole town with a big secret. How much gay fun is that?! How about All That Jazz? Or is that just too easy?

      Thanks for making my Mondays not so sucky.

      Nancy

    • Anonymous

      That is the idea of this new century….GayBoys doing commentary tracks of a series of fabulous musicals…or movies…wouldn’t it be loverly….

    • therese

      well bless your beautiful hides. my mother played 7 brides in perpetuity when i was a kid, really looking forward to that.

    • Linda Merrill

      Anonymous said…

      WHAT? Sonny Corleone over Sharif Ali?

      Totally agree. Different movie, but Omar’s first entrance (long shot across desert on a camel) in “Lawrence of Arabia” was hotter than the desert itself. He hasn’t aged as well as James Caan, but in his heyday… yummy!

      Great post and looking forward to more!

    • katiecoo

      OMG on the trannies! LMAOOOOO!!!! “Men” “Ugly Men” “Man”.

      Ouch I think I strained my diagphragm! (the one under my rib cage I mean) LOL!

    • Embeedubya

      “Victor/Victoria” is just to easy — but would be fun! Everyone loves “Singing in the Rain,” but Debbie and Donald also starred in a little gem called “I Love Melvin.” Debbie plays a football in one memorable dance sequence. You could spend an entire Monday trying to figure out Eleanor Powell’s sexual identity. Looks gorgeous and could dance rings around anyone on the set. And I can’t even contemplate what you’ll do with “Million Dollar Mermaid.” This is a great idea, guys. Can’t wait!

    • Gorgeous Things

      I’m finally getting to read it and howling! My god, it’s like she left New Jersey in the 1910s and woke up in Manhattan in the ’60s. Brilliant! You guys rock!

    • mslizzie

      OMG, am at work LMFAO, tears pouring down my cheeks. You guys are SO hilarious! I LOVE YOU! And young James Caan was definitely way hotter than Omar Sharif.

    • LisaSabatier

      What can I say, except I love you two!! Thanks!